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My life has been an abuse free, peaceful, drama free zone for several years now. I am having a quiet cup of tea looking out onto the garden and my mind wandered back to the past and I have found myself re-reading some of my posts on here, written when I was living in fear and my mind had been turned to mush.
Wow.
I forgot how broken I was and how I literally had to claw my way out of hell. It took years. I guess to anyone reading this, who is back where I was all those years ago, broken and without hope- please know that there is every chance that you can really enjoy a totally different life. That you have the power inside of you to move through this, that you can overcome this pain and find peace and happiness.I finally went full No Contact and I kept it going, as painful as that was. I educated myself, I got a job where I could use my kind nature to help others, I stepped away from anyone who made me feel rubbish. I discovered these things called “boundaries” 🙂 It takes time but just point yourself in the direction of a better life and you will most certainly get there.
It’s not all been plain sailing. My children are now teenagers and their trauma has come out, but I am in a strong place to help them deal with the fallout. We are doing ok.
If you are reading this right now, here is a big virtual hug. Don’t give up hope. Go and get the life you deserve. X -
Hi Alicenochains,
It’s lovely to read your post and to hear you got out.
You have done well to move on and find happiness.
Coming back and reading your old posts, that must have been very emotional.
Please could I ask, how you managed the no contact and sharing custody of the children?
I’m recently out of an abusive relationship, it went on for a number of years.
The most difficult part for me is handing over the children for my ex to have his time with them, without having contact with him.
I’m happy to private message if you are, I understand on the forum, we can’t discuss much detail x*x-
Footballfan1 thank you for your message. My situation involved 2 abusive exes. One I had kids with, one I didn’t. No contact with the ex with no shared children was easier when I finally fully committed to it.
However the children’s father used child contact to continue abuse in any way he could, he used child maintenance payments and the withholding of payments as a weapon, he used the fact that I loved and cared deeply for the children as a way to torment me as he would do things with them and to them that he knew I would find distressing. The children had a terrible time when they went to stay with him but I mistakenly thought that I was doing the correct thing by allowing them to go, I didn’t realise how bad things were at the time. He played tricks with the kids minds, being really nice and then really nasty, but they adored him until they became older. In hindsight I feel I should have protected them more. So he continued to be very tricky to deal with and then one day, he really overstepped the mark with one of the children and they told me they didn’t want to see him again as they didn’t feel safe and that has just continued. He hasn’t fought to see them as I guess he knows what he has done. My advice from my experience would be to pay close attention to what is going on for your children. My kids are older now, both traumatised by what they went through- both having therapy. Child maintenance payments stopped totally years ago and I have just let that go. Perhaps that was the financial cost of being free.X -
Hi Alicenoichains,
You are extremely brave to go though what you have been though.
Please keep enjoying your freedom.
I am at an advantage that I think most victims haven’t had.
I am the main earner and due to his bad behaviour, he got excluded from our house with police conditions.
I did not plan for this, I desperately wanted us to work out and get better.It’s took a number of months for me to finally realise he was not going to change.
I am fortunate enough to earn enough to pay all the bills myself and be there for my kids.
I understand this is a rare position to be in.One day, I want to help support women and children to stay in their homes, rather than having to flee.
All the advice I received for months was to leave, flee, stay in a refuge.
Why does the victim have to leave, to flee?
When my head is straight, and I’m on the other side, I want to campaign and support victims so they can stay in their homes.
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Eyesopening, well done and keep going. It feels never ending at the time and it does take a lot of time to heal, but just keep going and perhaps one day you will be reading your past posts and feeling like it all happened to somebody else. I still have the occasional nightmare but they have become much less frequent.
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Thank you so much for posting this! It gives me so much hope for the future & that one day I’ll be able to say I haven’t dealt with any drama or abuse in years. Sipping tea while looking out at your garden sounds so perfect and peaceful. So happy for you and your kids!!
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SingleMomSurvivor- thank you. Sending you lots of positive vibes across the miles. I used to tread on eggshells. Every single moment that I was awake for years and years. I used to spend all my energy trying to keep him happy and calm whilst waiting for the next rage.
And now every day, every single day is peaceful, free of drama and life is great. I can highly recommend it 💕
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