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There have been too many reminders of the abuse recently. Today a family member who had no idea about the abuse told me that they had bumped into my abuser and that he seemed to be doing well. I wanted to tell them that I hoped he burned in hell, but settled for saying that that I hoped never to see him again. They said they understood it would be awkward. So I gave a tip of the iceberg explanation of the way he treated me. Still found myself almost covering for the b*****d. I didn’t want to tell my lovely innocent family member that I was a victim of domestic abuse, and that I had been hit, sexually abused and gaslit by a man who had charmed them so convincingly.
For the first time in a long time I am angry that he damaged me so badly and basically walked away Scot free.
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Yep Tiffany, just horrendous so sad for you feeling this, but it is a healthy thing to feel so furious about being treated that way.
I would n want mine dead woulbt want him arrested, yet he destroyed me and our family.
Don’t I feel the stupid one asit completely doesn’t make sense. I trust his version more than mine, still.
What was their reaction once you said about more? What if you said he assaulted you. Maybe you could go further another time if you felt you would get some validation from that and have someone in the family know what you have been through.
Warmest wishes ts
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I don’t feel stupid. It just feels so awful telling lovely kind men how other men behave towards women. I don’t want the world to be like it is. So when I am with men who believe that the world is the way I want it to be – because they can’t imagine men acting misogynistically as it is so far from how they would ever act – it’s hard to shatter that illusion. It makes me sad and angry all at once.
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I’m so glad you don’t feel stupid… I said ‘don’t I feel the stupid one…’
This is the world and men need to be just as aware of it as any, iñfact I’d say more so, to really have their eyes opened likewe do here, so they no longer condone the funny jokes about erindoors, the ball n chain, the nagging missus, that they see what’s behind it all. It all not taint them, it will open their eyes to what is going on around them.
He’s an adult and aware many have awful lives.
Well done for saying anything, I’m not sure I could have. It can be so hard to put into words.
Warmest wishes ts
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I understand your anger and pain. My Ex was so handsome and charming that I had a real struggle with my family that I was doing the right thing ending it. I told them about the abuse and initially they all said he can change, after years of giving him a chance to change I had to tell them it was my choice. It broke my heart that even after Physical injuries and an emotional break down, these people thought I should give him another chance. He’s stopped drinking and abusing substances now but no chances can be given, for I need to put my own sanity first.
I have spoken to another lady in a similar situation and as soon as she said ‘was he violent?’ I said ‘yes’ and her response was ‘mine was too and you just feel so ashamed don’t you?’. That hit me hard because I was initially so ashamed I let it happen. I feel angry too and some days I feel so overwhelmed by everything I don’t know what I’m feeling and what wonder if I’m mentally unwell. My therapist confirms that I’m not but it’s difficult. -
I have been spending time with an old friend this week who I haven’t seen since I left my abuser and who knew him before she met me. I find it interesting that even she hasn’t questioned that there was abuse. Mostly people believe me unquestioningly and support me that I left. I think I am very lucky in that. Although interestingly my mother thinks I exagurate what happened and that we were just a bad match, which makes me wonder if it is a generational attitude problem. The cousin I told believed me too. I just hadn’t wanted to discuss it. It frustrates me so much that it impacts me so badly. I am back to struggling to sleep again. That a brief mention of where and how he was could restart this level of anxiety just seems so b****y unfair.
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Hello Tiffany, i believe it is a generational thing too. Until woman abuse stops being the butt end of jokes, til it stops being swept under the carpet, til men start speaking up against the mate who’s always slagging off his wife, til society stops making a big issue when men do ‘womens work’ and saying how good he is to give up his job to look after their children, til men start taking responsibility for their actions and stop blaming everyone for their bad behaviour. Society can change it just needs to get out of the oldways first.
Its interesting how many of us come across family members, mutual friends who we know ‘knew’, but did nothing. Until ignoring domestic violence, woman and man abuse becomes illegal,until then nothing will change, . It has to be more seen in society whether through tv programmes, adverts or magazines, it has to be seen for it to be fixed. Until then, we have our forums and WA and refuge, but without enough government funding we are still hitting against the proverbial brick wall. Until women are seen as an equal presence in courts (as judges,) as surgeons. Until that glass ceiling is well and truly smashed, then and only then will woman abuse be recognised and stopped.
There has to be a drive in education from the cradle upwards. Too many times it’s still the womans fault.
I just had to rant, its exhausting being a woman. -
Iwantmeback just wanted to say your post really resonated with me, you are absolutely right and it is exhausting being a woman!
I think it is a generational thing when women are not believed, I was made to feel that I should accept my lot and be grateful for what I’ve got, don’t make a fuss, blah blah blah!
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The post above is so true, well said I want me back! I think we have to believe that change will happen. Especially for our young ones growing up xx
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