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    • #104764
      Bumblebee3
      Participant

      Just as we see a light at the end of the tunnel for this lockdown, sadly I don’t see much change for me.
      I’ve reached out to my local woman’s aid, sent an email to ask for help with how im feeling asked to see if I could have access to counselling or just someone to talk things over. No reply.
      Tried to call the helpline in the small opportunity I had. Phone line busy.
      Tried the online chat, but rushing so much the message looked as if I spoke Pigeon English. Then had to log off as being a busy mum I’m never off duty.
      I know these seem minor set backs but I honestly just need to email so I can read it when I can and reply when I can.
      It’s nap time so I know have at least ten minutes to get this out there.

      I’m reaching out for help as my head is in a whirlwind and I’m confused constantly.
      I have posted before and found that you all do speak sense but I still can’t make a decision and stick to it.
      The situation is that my OH is controlling. But also I’m accused of being controlling. I’m mostly numb to emotions now and communication between us is poor. I avoid conversations or asking him most things as I can’t tell how he will respond.
      I’m exhausted.
      But now this is the hard bit………
      I know I have two options stay and get on with it. Make my bed and lie in it.
      Or I leave, get up go and start a new life with me and my child.
      He will always be involved as we have a child together. So there won’t be the closure or so long, farewell, never see you again.
      I’m scared that leaving him will create a whole new monster.
      That I will always feel like I’ve failed, that I’ve walked away from the what ifs and maybe I’m just overthinking everything.
      They life without him seems to be a lonely, unsettling one. A life full of upset and regrets.
      Plus it seems that all these helplines or organisations are too busy, covid19 has really taken its toll.
      I’m hoping you guys can offer some advice to stop this whirlwind, I’m dizzy.

    • #104768
      iliketea
      Participant

      Hi, there are women here far more experienced than I am so please wait for them to come along soon, they will, I promise. In the meantime I wanted to say, I know how you feel, you are not alone, I am in the same situation. I do have an IDVA but she’s totally non-contactable since lockdown. It is seriously hard to find the time too, I get that too, as a mother, you get zero head space. Really good idea posting here, and reaching out. If you can take some time, in the evening, if its safe, try and read through old posts. You will probably find similar situations, experiences, feelings, I honestly think my OH is with most of the other women here! Truly. The same behaviour is repeated time and time again. Stay strong. Find some healthy coping mechanisms for the moment whilst you try and understand and get your head around what you can do, and what you want to do. Deep breathing, getting good sleep at night, exercising, fresh air, healthy food and lots of water! Could you talk to your GP too. I’ve always rejected the suggestion of anti depressants but as lockdown looked like a reality I re-discussed it with the GP and they are seriously amazing! They have really helped with the exhaustion and mind fog which it sounds like you have. And finally, if its any help at all, it isn’t forever, when your child is 18 you never have to have anything to do with him again. I keep that close to my heart. Sometimes I work out how many days that is and count it down. Nothing is forever. Sending a hug. And hopefully the more experienced posters will be along shortly too. xx

    • #105066
      Hazydayz
      Participant

      Hi Bumblebee3. It’s been a few days since you started this thread hasn’t it, I saw you had a reply and hoped for you that you would have many more by now? Thinking then that Someone more experienced on here than me would come along offering support and advice to you just as iliketea had promised, I didn’t leave a reply sooner because I didn’t think I was one of those more experienced women on here? I now realise that although I haven’t been on here as long as others to offer advice, I perfectly relate to what you have said and just want to offer the support you may still need? Let me start with…Yes! This lockdown IS really taking its toll on everyone and everything. Advice and support is harder than ever to access isn’t it, it’s becoming very clear how many more women are posting new threads on here daily in recent topics, asking for support and advice because they are struggling too. They quickly vanish out of sight being replaced by so many more. If your still looking in here? still dizzy in your whirlwind thinking? I hope this helps? It seems to me you have actually clearly thought out what your options currently are/arnt? even though your struggling with everything and worrying understandably about every possibility? I understand. Unfortunately no-one can advise on what might be? So it really boils down to what you want? And what is available to you to make changes you might want to make? When the time comes? If it is safe for you to continue in it for the time being? It sounds as though you need to use this time in lockdown to gather yourself if possible, though things are very much more difficult to live with including the other halves! You don’t sound controling to me! You also sound very sensible avoiding any possible conflict but what I do need to stress is that you shouldn’t think of yourself as a failure, now or in the future. Whatever happens! It is true you will always have to live with who your child’s father is, you can’t change that, but don’t forget, if your starting a new life away from him with your child, he will be less in your life/lives than he is now. It’s going to be different! Maybe a new monster will emerge in him for a time after, but you won’t be living with that. And if he is to you a monster now? he won’t have that control over you forever, will he. If your choice is to try succeed in changing your life, its not going to be easy you know that, but try not to think too much; what Your already thinking… Worrying about what ifs won’t be helpful to you. Totally understandable! But what is the alternative? You don’t! have to lay in the bed that’s made for you to lie in? you can make your own bed in your own place to lie in if it’s what you really want? think of it that way, if it helps? just one more thing that might help? I brought up my children alone rather than stay in a bad marriage years ago. It wasn’t always easy, it was a brave thing to do looking back, but I had to do it! I see it as a success not a failure. I’m on here because I married another loser! A coercive controller do I really do understand. Hope all this helps you💞

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