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Light bulb moments that sting like a b***h.
I shared a secret a dark hidden secret, one that I carried for most of my life. Why? Cause I trusted him, I felt safe, I thought he would take the pain away and I would feel better. How wrong was I.
I was assaulted at leasted once or abused memories are patchy ,as a child, sexually, by an (detail removed by moderator).
I told him, he seemed to care, encouraged me to seek help which I did, and it did help but during this process of counselling he proceeded to mirror the abuse.
He would do the same to me as had happened as a child even when I told him not to, that it brought back memories, it made me freeze and my body would stop feeling anything, like I was there in body but the rest switched of. Sometimes I gave up telling him to stop as he almost enjoyed my discomfort. My skin would crawl, and I would end up in tears while he went to sleep like nothing had happened. How could he care so little after everything I told him? Cause he did enjoy my discomfort, his power over me. He blamed the Councillor from dragging things up, for making me worse, when it was him that caused it. I’m ashamed at times that I gave up, that I didn’t try to stop him more, as it’s only me that suffered more. My body defends its self by switching of, but my mind remembers. The times he forced himself on me, took what he wanted, verses the times he was so loving, kind and considerate, all designed to mess with my head. And it worked at times. I hate him. For what he did. My outwardly perfect ex partner is an abuser and a rapist. That last word still seems daunting and unreal, but oh so very true. That is my reality and the fact I am not sure has really sunk in. So I write it here to see if it will.
I am out, and “free” and trying to make sense still. A rollercoaster of emotions. Disecting the remains and trying to find myself again. I’m in there somewhere, I see someone who looks like me staring back from the mirror but unsure who she is right now. She will be me again even if it’s a slightly different version. A stronger better version? thats the hope or the dream for now. -
Wow Sleepypigeon, what a moving post. I’m so sad to hear of what you suffered as a child and thoroughly dismayed at the incredible cruelty by your ex. Knowing how abusers use what they can to wield their power, I’m not very surprised, but I am saddened that somebody would go to such depths.
It sounds like you have a good understanding of how abuse works and I can feel the strength and hope in your words. It’s so inspiring to see that after everything you’ve been through. Thank you for sharing with us. Sending you love and hugs xxxx
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Hey,
Sorry, that really is awful what you had to go through. Don’t punish yourself for wishing you’d put up more of a fight. He should only have needed you to tell him once that you weren’t comfortable with something for him to stop. That really was dreadful of him.
I was also sexually assaulted once as a child and like you, thought it would help to confide in the person I trusted and loved. He seemed to care at the time and was nice to me (this was years ago). However, he’s never mentioned it since until recently when he made a very hurtful comment about it against me in an argument. Then on an occasion after that denied all knowledge of me ever telling him then accused me of saying I’d had a harder life than him!
You absolutely will be stronger away from someone who could do this to you. Hugs to you xx -
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Hi SleepyPigeon,
I’m so sorry you have had to go through this, it sounds so similar to me I could have written this post. I cant say out load that my husband was rapeing me it hurts too much but the reality is I said no and its taken talking to rape crisis to learn that is what he was. The first few times it happened when my child was asleep next to ne so I didnt put up a fight as I didn’t want them to wake up, so I thought it was fault for not being clear enough that I didnt want it, I would say no and he would just climb ontop and continue. Like you I was also touched inappropriately as a child several times and my coping mechanism was to block it all out but I am triggered by (detail removed by moderator). I too told my husband and I think abuseres use your weekness against you as mine did. I just wanted you to know your not alone and you have done the best thing for you in ending your relationship. I did find rape crisis very understanding and supportive.
Sending you love and support x*x -
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Thank you for your responses, im still trying to get my head around these facts that were staring me in the face. It took talking to a lady at wa to point out what I was actually describing. It’s perceived that a rapist is someone we don’t know who jumps out of dark alleyways and attacks strangers not our partner or husband. Unfortunately it’s harder to prove and leaves us dealing with the emotional scars xx
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Same 😥 – sending love and support to you all. But like emerging butterflies it’s ok to cocoon before we emerge a butterfly. It is part of our experience and we must learn to grieve honour it and be gentle and compassionate to our wounds – but it doesn’t have to completely define who we become. We get to choose x
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Hi Sleepypigeon,
I feel so sad that this happened to you when you were a child and it’s terrible that your ex did the same thing, almost just to taunt you.
The realisation that you have been exposed to something so traumatic again can be really difficult to deal with. It does take time to sink in. You are saying the word “rape” and that is incredibly brave as putting the proper name to it can be very confronting and re-traumatising.
When you feel ready, it would be a good idea to try and access specific rape counselling. You’ll have a lot of emotions surfacing now that may be difficult to deal with so please seek help from rape crisis, the Samaritans or your GP if you need it.
Sending love. xx
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I’m not dealing with it, that’s the problem. It took so long to tell someone, him, then he did that. I’m great at blocking and disasociating but this realisation which hit me like a train after talking to WA has shaken me. It has brought out feelings I’m struggling with, and trying to keep a lid on at the same time. Things are all still raw and doing my best to keep going day to day. And lots of anger. But no proof, and he gets away with it, that’s hard to get past. Trying to concentrate on me but it’s difficult. Thanks for your reply x
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How u doing sleepypigeon? Be gentle with yourself – it’s so early days for you emotions have motion – they pass name them as they come up it helps the brain heal. Mindfulness is good. Carolyn Spring is amazing on dissociation – her blog and resources worth a read . Great on shame too. Sending a hug back
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