22nd November 2021 at 6:47 pm #134469
If I could talk about the whole (detail removed by Moderator) years of my relationship with my husband I could probably write a book. Like many of us I suppose.
I know one thing. I didn’t know what was happening to me and all I knew it was my fault!! every time!! and I wasn’t trying hard enough!!. I was thinking “It must be me, he wouldn’t be so upset. If I only didn’t say or do this one thing he wouldn’t be so angry”
After few years I realised that no matter how much I would try he would always have problem with something I’ve done. And it was just getting worse and worse. My mind was such a mess. I thought “why does it hurt so much when it’s my fault?” Everything changed and started making sense when I found first article about emotional abuse. WOW, I thought. I’m not the only one. I’m not going crazy!?!
Yet I’m still here… I tried leaving few times. Its not easy. I am angry at myself for being weak, but there are many worries I have before I can finally close this chapter. People around you don’t always understand that and you feel the look on their faces. The simple “why don’t you just leave?”
At the moment I’m seeking counselling, just someone who I can talk to and don’t feel the judgement. Hope it helps. After (detail removed by Moderator) years, even though I know what he’s doing I still feel the need to ask for advice and make sure it’s not me that’s wrong. Like I’ve lost the ability to think clearly. I’m constantly wondering if people actually like me because of the things he have told me in the past (or shouted out in my face – some horrible names) I can’t help it anymore. The doubt was created by the man I thought was my world… then my wold turned upside down and I can’t recognise myself anymore.
I’m sorry for such a long message. I just wanted to share this with someone who might understand.
22nd November 2021 at 7:26 pm #134472ChickadeeParticipant
The Emotional and Psychological of that mess in your mind, where you can not determine up from down ……………….IS WHAT HE IS DOING TO YOU. It is abuse. Get Out!
Stop wondering if people like you – also another thing he is doing to you. Degrading you, making you feel unlikable, unworthy, that something is wrong with you. It is a Control Tactic. You loose who you are and are weakened.
Lots of love and hugs 🙂 Chickadee
23rd November 2021 at 8:41 pm #134549
Sorry. I didn’t notice there was a reply button above the posts. I was posting replies under normal post. You learn every day. Thank you for your post.
22nd November 2021 at 7:52 pm #134476
Thank you. I know it in my heart it’s wrong. And to be fair I feel better about myself when I can identify this bad cycle. I don’t give in anymore. But problems still stay the same. And he denies any wrong doing. He actually never apologises for anything. If he called me anything, it’s because he tells me the truth and most people like to hear the truth so should I. Oh and I don’t like to hear the truth because I am hypersensitive to criticism lol that makes me laugh now…
He’s just never wrong..
But thank you again, it means a lot
22nd November 2021 at 8:06 pm #134477M1dn1ghtParticipant
Hello! I hope you are safe and doing well.
I am going through an exact same thing as you! I am constantly blamed for all of our arguments he keeps saying how everything is my fault. And I always thought the exact same thing ‘what if I did this different or said something else instead, maybe he wouldn’t be so angry’. Him cheating – my fault. Him calling me nasty names just because I didn’t wash his shirt after 5minutes he put it on the floor somewhere in the corner of the room – MY FAULT. Him smoking or drinking – my fault. Him stopping going out and losing his friends – MY FAULT. When in reality he keeps losing them only because he is being abusive towards them too. Him texting other women and talking to them about sex or meeting them – once again, MY FAULT. Because he is ‘missing’ something from me. And when I ask what it is, I get an answer that I should know, because a NORMAL woman knows. So my fault that I am not a mind reader.
It is so exhausting. And even if you do realise and know that NOTHING of this is your fault, you still keep thinking about it at the back of your head with all those ‘what ifs’. But I can assure you it is not your fault. They are extreme n********tic gaslighters. And whatever you do, no matter how hard you try to be the best for them, they will never stop bringing you down and each time will find other ways to do so.
We are worth and deserve so much more than that! I hope you will be able to get out of it soon and just know that none of it is your fault. It’s him who has problems, not you. And DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.
Big hug x
22nd November 2021 at 8:16 pm #134478nbumblebeeParticipant
Yep i feel your pain. Ive been on this forum for about 6 months now and time and time again i post and ask is it me what have i done and the amazing ladies on here calm me down and tell me over and over again how its him not me.
I am slowly realiaing hes a narc hes not a nice man at all. Im still not able to see it at abuse that word to me seems too harsh even now.
I see a counsellor and together we arw trying to help me find myself the person i lost after so many years of people who were supposed to love and look after me not doing that years of abuse as a child and young adult and now living with a narc Im lost. But im not giving up not yet and nor should you they take away so much of us dont let them keep taking.
Find a counsellor, use womans aid talk things out get a support network and find yourself find your strength and courage, self confidence its there its just been burried deep and qhilst you may need help and thats ok its so good to have help in the end only you can get it out, you deserve a better life one where you are loved and are free.
Big hugs sweetie stay safe and hang on x
23rd November 2021 at 8:45 pm #134551
I’m sorry. I didn’t hit reply button. Didn’t realise it was above the posts. Thank you so much for your reply.
22nd November 2021 at 9:00 pm #134482
Absolutely true. You wouldn’t even think you can be blamed for some ridiculous things that are happening around you and him. I had in the past argument because I didn’t move something out of the corner while we were decorating. I was supposed to read his mind too, or when he was annoyed when I said his name when waking him up with a cup of coffee (you just wouldn’t think it might cause any argument). Hearing things like
…all normal people would do/say/think…but not you!
Everyone else has that humanity in them but you don’t have any emotions inside you. You just dont get social interactions and how to sympathise with others(basically I didn’t feel bad for what I’ve done wrong) I didn’t do anything wrong…
If I have done anything wrong. I can admit to it and put my hands up but not when it’s something in his head.
And you are right. Its exhausting. I’m feeling stronger every day though and I can’t believe how many similar situations I read about here.
It makes me feel so supported. Everyone is so kind and understanding.
Reading about narc is something I’m fighting myself in my relationship. But it’s him that accuses me of being one(but a covert one) I’ve had this for a year now. He is so convinced I just can’t argue with him. Whatever my reply is its typical n********tic move from me.. I don’t know why I bother. But I feel so angry, I said to him I won’t let him talk to me in this way anymore and he’s sometimes backing off. Maybe I just don’t care anymore what he thinks of me? But thank you for all your kind words. I will get there one day…
Big hugs to you all
You are just awesome!!!
22nd November 2021 at 11:42 pm #134502M1dn1ghtParticipant
This is so true, I was same blamed many times before because he forgot to actually say what he wanted me to do. I just kept arguing that he didn’t tell me anything, but all those times he was convinced he did and that I am the dumbest person in the world. I know for a fact that he didn’t tell me anything because just to simply avoid arguments and to avoid being abused more anything he would ask me to do I would do it first. There’s been also numerous times when HE misplaced some of his things and I would get blamed for putting it somewhere even though I didn’t even touch it.
It is definitely good to know there are other women out there that knows what you’re going through and that you’re not alone. Even though I wish nobody would have to go through any kind of abuse in their life. To me personally, writing in these forums and sharing my experiences kind of help a little bit to get that ‘heavy’ feeling of my chest even if it’s for a little while.
22nd November 2021 at 9:08 pm #134484BananaboatParticipant
I was in my car today and saw a random lady buying a bottle of wine. I thought to myself how I wish I was her, she looked happy not a care in the world and two thoughts entered my head. First, am I being too harsh on him but instantly countless examples of his abuse when drinking / high sprang to mind, secondly I’m sat in my car with my kids scared to go home, that’s not normal. I think we stay because the rational part of us expects him to react in a ‘normal’ way, like we see everyone else around us being, but we’re not dealing with people who’s brains are wired like ours. Then I also think a part of it is a survival instinct, I know it’ll get nasty when I leave, I know he’ll make life hell and abuse me in anyway he can, so sometimes you think better the devil I know, I can cope. It’s not leaving a ‘normal’ relationship with yes some emotions/hurt flying about but also sensible discussions, no our world is about control/power. I read somewhere probably on here, that if you’re asking if you’re the abuser, or in the wrong – you’re not. They aren’t capable of asking themselves that question. So many of us on here feel stuck, hope for a release, so take comfort in knowing a) it’s his issue and b) you’re not alone. One day you’ll reach your limit and it’ll end xx
23rd November 2021 at 8:42 pm #134550
Sorry. I didn’t notice there was a reply button above the posts. I was posting replies under normal post. You learn every day. Thank you for your reply
22nd November 2021 at 11:25 pm #134500
These are powerful words. Yes its true. You constantly try and show them how you never meant to hurt them or if they understood what you mean it wouldn’t be that bad. Difference is you are the one that considers his feelings but he doesn’t do it for you. Like you don’t matter.
I am a mother myself and I’ve got to admit that it is tricky. Our home should be where we want to be.
In early years its been a lot worse, there was some degree of violence and threats. I left and it improved but he would never change the way he spoke to me. I don’t know why I went back. It is better but I don’t feel happier. I’m still being insulted when he’s not pleased with me. I wouldn’t go back to the past, I get flashbacks. But back then I was thinking if he hits me, I’m going. So in a way I look at positive side all the time but not thinking about it from outside I suppose. He’s still trying to have some control over me but presenting it in a very clever way to make me think that this is what every good wife would do. Well, maybe I’m not that good wife anymore and I start seeing it as it is. One day I will be ready. And I can’t wait !!!
23rd November 2021 at 10:50 pm #134566GerbilParticipant
You are all being so strong and positive and reading your posts is helping me so much. Our daughter said (detail removed by moderator) that she didn’t want to go into the house. This is making me stronger. I know I need to tell him how I feel but I am trying to build up the strength as I know it won’t be easy and he won’t react well. Our daughter didn’t ask him how his day was (detail removed by moderator). She was told (detail removed by moderator). When I stuck up for her (detail removed by moderator).
27th November 2021 at 9:03 pm #134830
I’m with you on this one. Your children often see it clearly, and when you might have your doubt you know when they are upset and telling you how they see it. It’s like a light bulb has switched on. You can’t be wrong and you know it’s affecting them too. You are stronger than you think. Believe me. What we need to do is stop worrying about what that person who is abusing you is feeling, they will never think this about you so you should be kind to yourself and start looking out for YOU. Yes maybe it sounds selfish but our time with them was always about them and not us. Time to break that cycle. I’m trying to think like this and I feel stronger within myself. He will never change the way he thinks and I can’t constantly explain myself to him. Even though I’m still here he started backing off since I stood up for myself, for financial reasons I can’t leave yet, but I hope one day I will be able to say that’s enough.
Sending you lots of hugs and stay strong x
29th November 2021 at 2:13 pm #134901MiniParticipant
Hi Everyone, I can relate to what you are experiencing. I’m just beginning to come to this realisation myself, one of my friends, sister and counsellor have suggested I am suffering emotional abuse, but I still think that I’m partly responsible, I say things back to defend myself that must hurt. I wonder if I should just just toughen up as I’m lucky, I have no children, my own money and a good job, so question is it really abuse when he blames me for all our arguments, blames me for when he threatens to leave, picks an argument everytime I plan something for me, then says he doesn’t care what I do. He says he has to walk on egg shells, but threatened to smash up the dishwasher and washing machine if I touch anything in it he has put there. He accuses me of making secret phonecalls and wonders why when he criticises things I say to my family and friends. I now don’t have my phone with me on an evening or answer calls as there will be a comment or question about what I am doing.
1st December 2021 at 6:01 pm #135041
Hope you are well today?
This is definitely abusive what you are writing about. Think about it from other perspective. He makes comments about your conversations so you become concerned every time you talk to anyone because he might listen. I had same situation. Why should you hide from him? Shouldn’t it be comfortable to live with your partner and have a good conversations with your family? It isn’t right and you have this feeling in your stomach. When we start avoiding situations because the perpetrator is constantly on our case then we stop being ourselves and decide to avoid something that might mean a lot to us for their sake. The worst thing is we don’t see it until there’s so many things in the day that we avoid and we just end up doing everything for them. It’s madness.
Threatening is definitely not right, I’ve had them too and I had some items smashed at home because I would argue back. That’s all it was. I had a different opinion.
There are always options but you need to decide weather you want to live like this for the rest of your life. It always is your choice at the end.
But know you are not the only one and you have my full support on this subject.
Take care and always find time for yourself, you need it. At least to breathe for a short while.
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