This topic contains 6 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Braelynn 3 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #101909

    Today I want to share a realisation I’ve just had which has helped me so much. I’ve been struggling with making sense of an abusive family member’s behaviour because they had a lot of mental and other health issues, and often used these as an excuse/justification for their behaviour. Anyway, I’ve been reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft as quite a few posters on this forum have recommended it. Seeing the sections about the mentally ill and substance addicted abusers helped so, so much. I’ve been reflecting on the idea that abusive men are entitled, want deference to their views and ideas, want control and freedom from accountability, and I see them all in him. I can also see a pattern in the abusive behaviour from doing the freedom programme. It wasn’t because of illness, or anything that was going on in life, it was wanting control, feelings of entitlement and anger because I wasn’t deferring to him. Those other things just potentially made it worse, they didn’t make it happen. I finally get where Lundy Bancroft says “he isn’t abusive because he’s angry, he’s angry because he’s abusive”.

    This feels like a weight off my shoulders because I finally understand that I have no obligation to excuse his abusive behaviours because it’s his entitled and controlling behaviours which sparked everything.

  • #101910

    Isn’t it great when that lightbulb 💡 goes on. Entitlement is a buzz word now for violent behaviour. I watched a documentary and that sense of entitlement was found in lots of violent people. It’s all him. He chooses to behave that way and there is never an excuse for domestic abuse. Knowledge Is Power. KIP x

  • #101915

    So glad to hear this!! I call it the moment I hear the “click” in my head, when all the pieces of the puzzle fly together! They like someone to torture and that’s about it really. I think a great many of these personalities are actually very jealous of those who have empathy, can really love, receive love, create, etc. Jealousy is a very dark and dangerous thing. But I don’t really care anymore why they do it and trust me, I have studied these little monsters for decades, had to, needed to. All I know now is, they are not allowed in my world and if I absolutely have to deal with them for some legitimate reason then I will have strict controls and boundaries of my own in place and they will be rigidly enforced. Yes indeed knowledge is power. It guides us out of the darkness and into the light!!

  • #101940

    I’m very pleased for you. Enjoy this milestone, it’s a great relief isn’t it to see it’s them not you. thx for sharing 💕🌸

  • #102897

    Thank you all, it is indeed a wonderful lightbulb moment. I’ve recommended the Lundy Bancroft book to quite a few people now, I find it so helpful. I think I’m probably at the stage now where I don’t really want to analyse why my dad did and said what he did. I think that was a bit of a defence mechanism for me, I spent a lot of time trying to work out what was “wrong” so I knew how to react to stop the abusive behaviour. I also think he likely had so many issues with his mental health that he didn’t know what the truth was, so how an I supposed to know? I also know that isn’t an excuse, and the entitlement etc were separate from the mental health and other stuff going on.

    So now I’m trying to focus on living my life without that influence and learning how to protect myself from other abusive people.

  • #102898

    Hi starqueen, its nice to hear from you again. I believe we do get to a stage in our healing/ thought process where we no longer care enough about WHY they did what they did. It just takes us as individuals to grey there in our own time and way.
    Enjoy your new life
    Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

  • #102927

    Starqueen…’s so lovely to hear all this from you, very healthy path that you are on. We really do have to do a certain amount, which is different for everyone, of sorting out the manner of snake that bit us. It’s necessary because how else are we truly going to know what, why, how and who? I haven’t ever really quit doing that because I am inquisitive by nature and I like to learn things. However, we can look into the void too long and too hard at times. It starts looking back at us, as they say. It’s all about balance and once the lightbulb has turned on, which it has with you, then you can be about cleaning out the cobwebs, furnishing your life with what “you” want and love, opening up all the windows and letting the sun and fresh air in so you can heal, grieve if you need to, but most of all so you can celebrate “you”. So very happy to see that you are in this space now. It is indeed time to do some dancing, yes?

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