Viewing 4 reply threads
  • Author
    • #144714

      Hi all,

      I have been with my partner for (removed by moderator) years and we have children together. Earlier this year our relationship broke up because he told me he had feelings for another person at work, someone he’s known a matter of months and who is 10 years younger than him. When he told me I suddenly saw all the emotional c**p he put me and the kids through. The next two days involved lots of discussion and he moved out. He started seeing the other woman straight away, because (removed by moderator) is long enough after a (removed by moderator) year relationship right?!

      Anyway since he’s gone I’ve realised how much I adapted to his behaviour and how he abused us. He shouted ALL the time. He made us feel guilty if we didn’t show him enough love. He sulked repeatedly if he didn’t get his way. He humiliated myself and my oldest year old daughter. That was his emotional abuse and it was constant but worse since his (removed by moderator) died (removed by moderator).

      Also, I followed him around the world in order to further his career. The kids and I moved again, and again, and again for him. He was the main earner and I sacrificed my career. He never told me how much money there was. Not truly. He kept me in the dark and was always surprised when I requested more money to clothe or feed the kids. That was his financial control.

      I have a long-term illness. He convinced me it was worse than it was and I couldn’t possibly work so needed to always rely on him but he swore he’d always look after me and didn’t need to worry. That was his gaslighting.

      The other day I realised a big one. He sexually abused me. Over the course of our (removed by moderator) years together he initiated sex whilst I was asleep. He said he was asleep too and didn’t realise or that he thought I was awake because I made “(removed by moderator)”. Sometimes though I didn’t wake up until the act was nearly over.

      I’m kicking myself that I put up with all this for so long. A lovely therapist told me it’s not my fault and that he took advantage of my love, commitment and loyalty. I’m in the middle of moving so can’t properly process this yet. But it’s like walking out of a fog. A (removed by moderator) year long fog where I adapted and adjusted and protected the kids as I could. I still can’t believe I was with a covert n********t for so long. I knew some things in his head were broken because of his upbringing. But the full meaning of what he did has still not sunk in.

      One day I’m sure I’ll be grateful that he developed feelings for someone else and left our lives. One day. But right now I’m still hurting and whilst I can see the light and the love of my friends and family the fact he did this to people he loved appals me. He doesn’t even think he did that much wrong.

      Thanks for reading my long post.
      Love and light.

    • #144715

      Hello, I don’t have much to say apart from. Right there with you have similar time lines and I have 1 more child.I also didn’t realise the abuse till he left. I do have a career but he has done his utmost to stop it in the last (removed by moderator) years which was while I was training. I cannot do it currently due to our son being out of school. He used his illness to control me. I just want to say watch put for him coming back and trying to get you back mine has been sooooo convincing and harassing I have allowed it (removed by moderator) times and each time it turns out he’s still with the other woman… you are not alone. We are not alone.

    • #144727
      Main Moderator

      Hi RoastBeef,

      Welcome to the forum. Know you are not alone in how you are feeling and in what you have been through. As you begin to see through the ‘fog’ and process all that has happened in your relationship, know that you are not alone. You have come to the right place to be safe and supported.

      Perhaps when/if you are ready, for extra emotional support you can speak to your local domestic abuse service who may have support groups running. They are also there to provide practical advice and advocacy if needed.

      The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.

      You could also try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200 or visit their website at

      Do keep posting here to let us know how you are moving forward. Prioritise your well-being and get all the support you can. We are here for you.


    • #144804

      It’s so easy to get caught up with their excuses and forgive them (like any kind caring forgiving partner would do) but your therapist is right he did take advantage of your extremely good traits (like all abusers do) we assume there’s reasons for their behaviour and they make all the excuses in the world blaming everyone and everything and we accept because of shock,trust,self esteem, fear, loyalty, wanting to make it work……. but they do take advantage in every way possible, it’s horrible when you realise exactly what’s happened and what’s been done to you, abusers abuse and manipulate everyone they have relationships with, sometimes we think the next person is gonna be better treated, better cared for, have more/better but it’ll be exactly the same, they go onto the next victims and they’ll suffer too cos abusers are just abusers it’s what they are, have you thought about pressing charges, if you can’t or don’t consent it’s not consent 💗💞💗

    • #144996

      Thanks all. The advice and general love is gratefully received.

      I haven’t considered pressing charges. Mainly because I think our eldest is punishing him enough. Our kid reported him to social services so now he has a very awkward interview coming up with them. I figure that’s the best punishment. He won’t take any charges from me lying down and he would think it was just petty revenge. Plus I don’t think I’m yet strong enough to press charges. I promise I’ll think about it though.

      • #145012

        That’s ok understand completely 💖🤗💖

Viewing 4 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs


Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content