realising it’s him not me

[ronialys]

i suffer with untreated borderline personality disorder which makes most things super difficult for me including relationships. i always thought it was my fault, i thought him shouting and intimidating and hurting me was always my fault, like i’d have a bpd episode and then he’d get angry because he ‘loves me’ and ‘it makes him angry seeing me unhappy’ but i’ve realised this morning that’s b******t lol, it’s not normal to get angry when someone you love is upset, especially taking it out on that person.
(detail removed by Moderator) he tried to kill me, the police came and tried to get me to press charges but i wouldn’t because i love him. i had a folder of pictures, videos, voice recordings for when i was ready to leave but i deleted it the other day because i thought i was stupid and being dramatic and attention seeking to even have it, he cut the f*****g tops of my (detail removed by Moderator) off and managed to convince me that it was for my own good. how does not having my (detail removed by Moderator) benefit me??
i’m in way too deep to get out, nobody believes me despite all the evidence i had and i really think he’s going to kill me one day. just feeling really hopeless today

[KIP.]

Hi, do you have support from women’s aid? Please contact your local branch. You could go into a refuge for a while and see if the police can recover your deleted files. It’s never too late to report these cowards. I understand how you feel, that moment of realising it was never you. Yet you spent years trying to fix a problem that was never yours to fix.

[Darcy]

Hi my beautiful angel … ronialys
Can I ask you what is it that makes you think you love a man who cut the tops of your (detail removed by Moderator) off?
This is not love on your part or his. You have no love for him and no love for yourself right now.
I urge you to get yourself out of this situation as soon as possible.
Kip’s advice on getting help is great so try and follow it. You need to alert someone that you are going through this, even making an excuse to go to your GP’s
I don’t usually tell people to just leave as I know from my experience that this isn’t always that easy to do straight away, and saying it, doesn’t help. You need to have done some self love work and strengthened yourself before you can take this step.
However in your case you sound like you are in a very dangerous situation, with a very dangerous man and you are at great risk and need to get out before anything else happens.
I speak from experience, my ex was a very nasty man and involved in the underworld … where anything goes so I do understand
My darling there is a better life for you out there, this is not love or how any relationship should be.
It is not healthy or balanced or loving, all of which you deserve
Stay in contact
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

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