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So he’s off work and has covid I’m (detail removed by moderator). I’m not being caring enough I have text enough while he’s upstairs. What am I meant to do I’ve tried my best offered him food and drinks etc just comes down and starts going on and on at me I’m depressed as it is trapped in here with baby.
He said I’m using my phone while he’s upstairs and after Xmas he’s leaving me which I don’t care about because he’s been abusive all Xmas silent treatment then explosions etc
That’s all I get and it’s always the same I don’t give him enough attention I have four kids I can’t and that I use my phone to much I actually try really hard not to use it when he’s here or text people. I (detail removed by moderator) so I have to use my phone he knows this.
Then he started shouting thag I didn’t post enough pics on my social media of him I do post but not much.
He walks in the room and I tense up cos I’ve always done something wrong in his eyes. I am so stressed in this situation he’s always so needy me me me. I just want to be free but nowhere to go it’s not bad enough for me to say I’m being abused but I know he’s abusive . Some women get beaten up I don’t so I feel like I can’t leave or where will we go 🙁 -
It is so interesting to me that many abusive partners have the same traits and behaviours. I am sorry life is so hard for you rainbow. Personally I feel the emotional abuse is worse for me even though I have been physically abused too.
It is so hard to break away from these relationships and I hope you can move forward with your little one. Sending love. -
Hi rainbowcloud,
I hear you, you are not alone.
I know why you don’t want to admit that you are being abused, I didn’t either. It took a DA professional support worker to inform me that I was, but I still felt a fraud because I wasn’t being abused that bad! Also, by allowing myself to believe I was being abused made me think I was weak, and I certainly wasn’t weak! However we like to think or label ourselves is up to us, but the good thing in your post is that you recognise your partner is abusive. You recognise he doesn’t treat you as you deserve to be treated, that he’s needy, moody, unable to be pleased regardless of what you do, and a whole load more of negative things. He’s probably ‘dying’ of Covid (he’ll have ManCovid!) and expects you to look after him and four children and run a business and take care of the house and shopping – am I right?
What is your home situation? Are you married, co-habiting, joint mortgage, renting? This will have different outcomes with regards to your rights and options. There will be a way out of this relationship if you really want out, it’s just not easy to do it, but it’s absolutely possible. It involves a lot of research and planning, but if you are in immediate risk of harm there is also a quicker way.
xx
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Hi beautiful Angel,
I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, especially over Christmas
Just because he is not physically abusing you, doesn’t mean its not abuse and unfortunately doesn’t mean it wont lead to anything physical
If his behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable in anyway it is not OK
While he is weak with covid start to gain your power, yes we have to appease these men to survive until we can leave but just start to use his weakness to find your strength
I cant imagine finding anytime for yourself with 4 children is easy but you must
Even if everytime you sit on the toilet or brush your teeth you tell yourself that you are OK and doing great… it may sound little but you have to start somewhere with selfcare
I don’t know how old your children are but at any age they will pick up on the energy of your home so it is important for them that you try and start to make changes, even if this is just to begin with in your head
Contact women’s aid for some more advice on what your options with the children are
This wont get better so you need to have a plan
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx -
Hi thanks for replies our little girl is (detail removed by moderator).
It feels like sometimes he is ok for a while but lately I went out on a night out I got a bew hair style I got down new clothes as after the baby I lost myself. He hated all of it and got it into his head I was going to leave that wasn’t the case I was doing it for me to feel better. He likes me weak feeling terrible about myself. I had one night out which I had fight tooth snd nail to go on because he was kicking off then the next day he went on and on asking if I spoke to any men all day I had this so draining.
We was ok at Xmas but he still kept saying I didn’t love him anymore or giving him enough affection it’s all the time. I feel like I’m a cold person now because he goes on at me so much sometimes I don’t want to show love.
He hasn’t done anything to help me while he’s been ill I’ve had to (detail removed by moderator).
I was on my phone doing stuff (detail removed by moderator) and he walked in the room and I just tense I’m scared of him and his reactions. I wish he would stop but I’ve been with him years and know he won’t Christmas is the worse time 🙁
We rent together I’ve tried to look to move without him knowing but it’s so expensive I can’t move or get a place by myself.
He’s like a big baby want my attention all the time he wants what I cannot give to him anymore I’m drained with his behaviour. I try to snap him out of the tense atmosphere by being so nice to him but it never works till the the explosion then he gets over it for a few days but all on his terms.
Wish I knew what to do for the best. I think things are ok for a bit but it always goes back if you know what I mean. -
Please don’t give up … you know this is not right and a situation you want to be in anymore so hold that thought
Keep getting stronger … from the inside so he doesn’t overly notice that you are
It might take time but by doing this every day you will set the wheels in motion
I never thought I would be able to leave my ex, he hardly let me go anywhere without him … but by strengthen myself and believing it was possible it happened
D xx -
Yes he even seems to time me at the shops as sometimes I will reply to friends msgs at the shop as I can’t Infront of him so then he starts asking where I’ve been and if I’ve been on my phone it’s not a life to live. I just feel like it’s not that BAD sometimes it’s ok and things I feel a fraud saying hes abusive.
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My ex use to time me at the shops to … believe me when I say this is not normal behaviour for a person
You should be able to go to the shops for as long as you want to without anyone telling you how long to be and when to be back
Who else in your life has ever told you how long to be at the shops … apart from maybe your parents when you were a teenager!
It is not acceptable for another human being to tell a grown adult what and when to do things
We get conditioned to think that them telling us what to do is love in some f***ed up way … but it is not love … it is control and it is unacceptable!
If you truly love someone you want them to be free and trust they will come back to you -
Your right I’m just used to it so think it’s normal. I’ve been used to just explaining myself over and over the night out I had since then he’s got worse because I hadn’t been out for (detail removed by moderator) snd he hated it but was a (detail removed by moderator) so he kind of had to let me go but made life misery everyday leading up to it then afterwards too.
Just wish he would stop but never will 🙁 -
They are ‘black hole’ people … however much you put into them it just wont be enough
They will take and take and take until they have bled you dry and then they will try and take some more
I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, am I going to allow him to take anymore?
Please my darling start filling yourself up so you are strong enough to free yourself of this misery
D xx -
I told my mom she just said all men are like this snd it will be ok soon. I said but he’s controlling she said he is well your allowed to go out he’s not controlling he doesn’t seem controlling lol she knows full well he is controlling but he puts on an act so then she makes me think this is normal.
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All men are NOT like this, your mum is really not being helpful by condoning his behaviour! Ask her to read up on domestic abuse and do some research, if you think she’s going to take this as criticism word it as if it’s doing you a favour as you haven’t got the time to do it. Once she starts reading up on it she may change her mind.
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I know I agree with you I don’t think it’s right what he does to me and how he gives me anxiety like this. My mom I think just worried I will be alone with four kids and won’t cope so she doesn’t want me to leave him because she’s worried of me being alone.
I said to her I wish he would go I’m so unhappy but she said you don’t mean it you would be upset and yes I would but doesn’t stop me being unhappy.
He bought me extra Xmas presents this year because he’s been a nightmare all month I think.
Even Xmas eve I tried to give him affection as he was moaning I wasn’t then he wouldn’t hug me back and said everything is on my terms and that he didn’t want to hug me so I cannot win in the situation it’s very confusing at times .
I need to speak to my mom another time about it but she doesn’t understand or doesn’t want to hear it. -
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Yep it seems these narc partners of outlr i guess the abusive ones all sing from the same sheet they do all react like this.
Mine had covid in bed for 3 days whilst i waited on him and still he moaned at me for working for not being home for apparently having an affair then i get poorly with covid. I ruined xmas i didnt have it as bad as him. I couldnt stay in bed i had nobody to look after me. It was xmas i still cooked cleaned and tried so hard to make it a nice day even though it was just us and kids.
I worked my arse off and was exhausted and poorly. But still there were small digs small moans hes bored as im still positive he wont go out alone.
I too blame myself i feel cold and unloving towards him. This is hard really hard but sweetie you dont have to live this way there is help out there if you ask for it. Lksten to your gut you know this isnt right. Trust and believe in yourself x*x-
That sounds exactly like me and how he would act I was ill in (detail removed by moderator) not covid but really poorly snd he gave me sympathy for two days then when I wasn’t getting better fast enough that was it I had to just carry on and try and cope even though I was so unwell . I will probably get it but just have to carry on he’s on day four of being in bed now.
Such hard work it is they make it worse they make life so much harder than it needs to be.
But he keeps saying I don’t care I do care I’ve asked how he is and been the shops to get him (detail removed by moderator) etc what more can I do sit at the door talking to him all day. He even said I am the covid carrier and I’ve bought it into the house even though I don’t have it lol.
Just dread him coming downstairs I’m scared of him even though he’s never touched me. -
Yep mine said id brought covid in by working even though he works and he had it first. Its what they do everything is always and will always be our fault never theres.
You have to somehow find a way through saeetie coming on here is an amazing first step well done you, baby steos foward now.
Read through posts on here keep talking keep learning stay strong xx -
Yes everything is usually my fault I’m the carrier. I said I don’t want to catch it because of the kids when he was moaning about (detail removed by moderator) I don’t want her to be ill if I can avoid it. He’s choosing to sit upstairs now he told me today there is nothing between us snd he’s Leaving soon but I’ve heard this speech so much and but he never does leave.
He used to make me cry saying all this stuff but not anymore I just get bad anxiety now when he’s in this mood which could last days.
I tried to look for houses I can’t go into a refuge when so many women are going through way worse and I’m just stuck in this weird relationship so I don’t know what to do . If I said he was abusive no one would believe me. -
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You can go in to refuge, it actually may be the best way out for you if you are prepared to go, there are lots of women who absolutely refuse to go no matter how bad it gets. If every woman didn’t go because she thought there were others more deserving then they would all be empty.
I went as a last resort too. As I said earlier, I felt a fraud, but my support worker told me I absolutely deserved to be there because I was subjected to physical, emotional and financial abuse – and she was right. That stereotype of the 70’s and 80’s that they are a place for ‘battered wives’ is long gone. No one has to be ‘battered’ to go there anymore, domestic abuse is about lots more than violence. Violence is just one of the six aspects of it. The only issue for you to consider is that they won’t place you in your home town. This is for safety reasons. However, if your work is online and not office based would you be prepared to move to another area? It’s only temporary until they can help you find alternate housing.
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What do you mean financial abuse ? He gives me money each week (detail removed by moderator) and that is it I have to pay for every thing else it isn’t half each it’s (detail removed by moderator) of I ask for anymore he shouts so I don’t ask. He buys stuff for our daughter but moans a lot so I end up buying most of it to stop the looks and the strops. He thinks (detail removed by moderator) is enough for all our outgoings rent is over six times that.
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That’s financial abuse. I have the same, I pay (detail removed by moderator), he pays ‘rent’ to me which isn’t much more than yours pays, nothing extra for food, not a penny more if bills increase, nothing extra for baby, I’m expected to buy (detail removed by moderator) etc, but he’s got all the money he needs for drink/drugs. In the supermarket he’ll say to the kids put whatever you want in, my treat, then get to the till and vanish to leave me with the hefty bill. In a ‘normal’ relationship money would be more equal, what excuses does he give? Mine tries to say because I have a child from a previous relationship I should pay more (but so does he), that I’m a woman and we wanted equality, empty promises to pay more etc. Others on here have experienced credit card abuse, or been forced to put debts in their name etc. This is all abuse.
The other point I was going to raise was about your older kids, don’t underestimate what they see/feel too. Or ways he might be abusing them. My teenager definitely feels the eggshells and he does sarcastic noises/threatening looks, or forces them to get up at his time/speed. If you get the chance read Lundy Bancroft’s book it has a chapter on children.
Finally, have you spoken to your local council? I rent too and have been told Domestic abuse can be a reason for being classed as ‘homeless’ on the council housing register, so might be worth exploring. No guarantees and I’m only at the very start of the process but just an option to look into
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He only gives me that shouts if I ask for more. Sometimes though he can switch and be generous and buy me things on a whim mainly stuff I haven’t asked for but he buys stuff we don’t need like (detail removed by moderator) when my daughter needs (detail removed by moderator).
I kept asking for (detail removed by moderator) and he was moaning she (detail removed by moderator) I kept saying can I have the money for her (detail removed by moderator) for weeks then one day (detail removed by moderator) after he fell out with me and wouldn’t speak for days then he took her for the (detail removed by moderator) without asking me what ones it was her first (detail removed by moderator). I felt like that was a tactical thing he did aswell like games all the time.
It’s so hard to explain isn’t it but you guys understand.
He got better with the money thing after I told his mom and she had a word but he slips back to his old ways and pays me like a 1940’s wife when I work too.
My sons aren’t his so he never helps toward them he has lots of money in the bank has a good job he isn’t short at all. He will watch me struggle to get the rent money though one month a few months ago he said he would give me more that month to my bills as Xmas coming up I kept asking for it after he offered then he give it me but threw it on the floor like I’m a dog it’s horrible behaviour.
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Yes I just worry about my eldest he’s (detail removed by moderator) don’t know how he would cope being moved thats one of the reasons I’ve hung on because of him he’s (detail removed by moderator).
I know what you mean but I feel like people would think I’m being a fraud if I left. He is a good dad most of the time snd smiles at everyone that kind of person. But you know he gives me one of his looks and that’s it so hard to explain he reminds me of (detail removed by moderator) acts a bit like him but not as tense in public but that kind of persona.
It’s so expensive for me to move I know I couldn’t do it or get away with it he woukdnt let me if he knew.
I need to think about things and ahah I’m going to do if I can live like this. I haven’t been properly happy for ages I have better weeks but I know it will not last till he starts again it’s horrible . -
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I can relate to this so much. I was in such a similar situation this time last year with covid. We both had it, but he had it much worse. I was over it after a few days so I was literally doing everything. Full time job as we needed the money, having to look after the little one while trying to work from home. Cooking and cleaning. While constantly being told that I was not being concerned enough about him. It was so exhausting. I can’t imagine how it must be with four kids and a partner like that.
However I am concerned… when you talk about explosions, what do you mean by that?
My husband would get so angry he would switch – his eyes would completely change and he would literally scream in my face.
Like you I always kept thinking there are women out there who get beaten up. This is nothing compared to them. He will never hurt me… However the reason why I finally found the courage to leave once again was because he unexpectedly switched in front of our baby. One thing led to another which resulted in him grabbing me and pulling me to the ground, leaving me with a bruise. This was the first time I thought, actually, this could turn into something physical.
Please don’t downplay emotional abuse. It can eat you up slowly and surprise you in so many ways.
What he’s doing is wrong. You should not be living like this questioning yourself, living in fear, feeling trapped.
Big hugs, sending you lots of love and support. Xx
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Hi yes he shouts in my face rages in my face a lot he explodes. He threw a (detail removed by moderator) over my head before my daughter was born that was horrible made me cry.
He’s threw me on the bed and held me down bes massive because he was trying to smash up my phone he bruised me all over but he hasn’t done them things since my little girl was born but he still shouts in my face. I can’t argue back he shouts in my face so loud.
I don’t want my daughter to think it’s normal or my sons but my sons know what he is like now.
Like I said sometimes things are calm for weeks sometimes snd it all feels normal then a cycle starts been in this one a month on and off now.
It is scary because he doesn’t hit me but he doesn’t need to then he gives me silent treatment won’t look at me when I try to speak or totally blanks me but speaks to our daughter. -
He really sounds awful. You mention that he has not been physical in one of your previous replies in this post. But throwing you on a bed and pinning you down… yes it might not be a punch or a kick that we commonly associate with abuse… But it’s still physical. He’s left you with bruises. What happens for example if he threw you on that bed but in the process you hit your head on the bedside cabinet? It could potentially be serious…. That was an example I was given when I said that he only grabbed me…
Like you I did not want my daughter to think this was normal and after a series of events that followed my side after I left, I did some research on how anger can affect a child… it was not nice to read.
Please start thinking of an escape plan. He’s abusive full stop. You and your children can’t live like that, you all deserve so much more.
Call the support line. You don’t have to give your real name. And you can leave a time for them to call you back if it’s busy and you get to voice message. They are so helpful.
Sending you so much love and strength, I hope you got through today ok. Xx
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He came down and started shouting because I had one of his (detail removed by moderator) this morning as I have non and can’t go to the shops.
Then he started shouting that I don’t show love that I’m (detail removed by moderator). I’ve tried to be nice he blanks me and ignores me then when I stop being nice and stop speaking I’m a cold hearted person who’s (detail removed by moderator).
He said he’s leaving after Xmas he won’t it’s all a lie. I’m just trapped in this house with the constant torture daily when he comes down and he sneaks down to so quietly so I can’t hear trying to catch me on my phone.
Hate living like this I really do it’s the worst I’m so so depressed -
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Rainbow you have been so brave to talk to us on here now its time to be a little bit braver and contact womans aid you can chat or if its safer email them. You dont have to give your name or any details you dont want too but as you have said you cant go on like this. Its not a life its not fair on you nor your kids you must now stadt thinking about you and them not him.
Just talk to them reach out and talk to them.
One moment of insane braveness is all it can take to maybe just maybe start a change in you and this way you are living. X*x
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