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I guess I probably already know the answer to the question ‘was it abuse?’ But I really struggle to accept it. The guy was lovely, my first boyfriend, helped me out of my depression, I know I don’t owe him but I feel like I do. He had an awful family life and so had issues with his temper. He never hit or threatened me but did punch walls and shout. I can’t stand shouting, it always makes me cry. I woke up several times to him having sex with me, I wasn’t turned on and it hurt. I once during the day mentioned it, I can’t really remember but I think he got upset and said he never wanted to hurt me. But it happened again, I always felt dirty afterwards. He also had a rule that I had to say no or stop twice before he would. I think I only once did and it led to him being upset and me feeling bad for not being able to satisfy him.
It has affected me ever since, I can’t gave sex from behind without having flashbacks, outside of my family, any guy who is bigger and stronger than me scares me and I don’t like coming too close, even if it is in a perfectly innocent situation and I know they won’t hurt me. I never told him later how he had affected me because I thought it would kill him, he said when I broke up with him that he would end his life. But I feel like I should have to protect other girls, I also blame myself, I didn’t tell him, I kept quiet to keep him happy so he didn’t know I didn’t like it. I still care about him and want to know he’s ok but in the end I was flinching whenever he came near me. I’m sorry this is so long, everything has been going round in my had for a long time and this is the first time I’ve reached out. Any advice would be great
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Hi dear,
First very brave of you to post on here and put those confusing feelings into words for the first time.
It sounds like deep down you know, but you struggle to listen to yourself, to trust yourself. I find this feeling very relatable, and it’s a tough one because it ends up with you questioning your reality, and makes an easy target for gaslighting from others.
However, you left (perhaps not completely but you did nonethelss) this relationship, that’s a great show that you can listen to what comes up within you. If it feels wrong, 99.9999% of times, it is wrong. It takes courage and faith in yourself to listen to this feeling.
Understanding that this person might have suffered in the past and giving him a free pass to be abusive towards you are 2 completely different things. What you’ve been through with this person was tough, but would you ever use it as an excuse to mistreat someone else again and again? He needs to take responsibility for his behaviour, though from what you’ve writteen, this will not happen. This is when the tough reality breaks in: you also need to take responsibility for yourself, I am sorry this one is such a tough one. What I mean to say is he will not make you feel safe/change his behaviour, he will not make it easy for you to remove yourself from the situation. Taking responsibility for yourself would probably mean removing yourself from this situation.
From what I’ve read, I am sorry to say that what you’ve been through is most definitely abuse. That’s a tough pill to swallow, I wish I could help beyond writing on this forum but this isn’t how this works. If you can, though I’d understand your reluctance to share this with friends, try to get some support from close ones. If you’re uncomfortable sharing your story, you don’t have to, you can simply tell them you’ve had a tough time and are not ready to talk about and you need support.
Also don’t sweep what you’re feeling/have gone through under the carpet, it might come back out in the future! You seem so incredibly brave, again, congratulations on taking your distance from this as*hole and on posting on here.
Trust what you already know even if it’s hard to admit, that’s how you can show respect and compassion for your experience. Be careful how you deal with this person though, pulling further away could potentially make him more agressive. But from what you’ve written, you need to eventually completely cut contact, this guy is crazy, mean and manipulative.
Sending you much love and take care of yourself!
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Hi CameraGeek 4217,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand. You’re right that it was abuse and I’m so sorry that he’s put you through that. Behaviour like punching walls is threatening, the clear message is that he could have been punching you if he chose, it doesn’t need to be spoken, it controls with fear in the same way as a direct assault. How he treated you wasn’t okay and it wasn’t your responsibility to tell him that. He could see the impact he had on you and he chose to treat you that way. Try to be kind to yourself, none of this was your fault.
If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
Best wishes,
Lisa
(Forum Moderator)
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