Really need someone to talk to

[gladtobefree]

I haven’t been on here for a long time. After leaving an emotionally abusive relationship and being alone for a (detail removed by Moderator) years I met with an old friend and we have been together over (detail removed by Moderator). He hasn’t been great and I had had enough. (detail removed by Moderator)I picked him up from a friend’s and he had too much to drink and looked as if he’d taken something so I refused to let him come home with me and took him to his Mums where he lives. The (detail removed by Moderator) I went round and found he had choked on his own vomit and was then in a coma, he is awake now and is disabled physically and still in hospital. I am the only person he has who could care for him and have stayed in the relationship and visit him everyday. I am so down and I am doing the right thing by him but I feel I have no choice

[Eggshells]

Oh wow! So many things going through my head. This is such a horrible thing to happen, even if he wasn’t good to you. I can understand why you feel that you have to care because its so tragic. But this really isn’t your problem.

If you loved him and he treated you well then ofcourse you would care for him. But that isn’t the case and you don’t need to do this.

Don’t volunteer to be his carer, there will be state provision for him.

I’m guessing he’ll be in hospital for a while whilst he is assessed for independent living. Perhaps use the time to spend time away from him and take stock.

You did the right thing taking him back to his Mums that night. He wasn’t your responsibility then and he’s not your responsibility now.

[gladtobefree]

Thank you for writing.
I am so torn because my little girl adores him. He has been an a*se to me and selfish beyond belief but him and my daughter are so close. I am also very close to his Mum and stepdad and my head is all over the place. He is very remorseful and is apologising for not treating me right and says he will never act like that again and I saved his life but inside I still feel so much pain and his behaviour that night had been argued so many times and he still chose to go out and act like that after so many promises that he wouldn’t x

[Wants To Help]

Hi gladtobefree,

So sorry to read what you are going through and the dilemma you are facing. This does seem to be a very sad and difficult situation for you and his family and I’m not sure what I would do in these circumstances either.

What I am confident in saying is this man may now realise that he needs ongoing care and is likely to feel terrified of being alone now. Of course he will apologise to you, promise he will change etc, and do everything to guilt trip you to remain with him. With the nature of the incident, regardless of whether he was an abusive man or the ‘perfect’ man, the dynamics of your relationship has changed due to his disability. It is also likely to change the relationship between him and your daughter as he may not be able to do things with her that he used to do for example.

I can also predict anger. Rather than him take responsibility for his actions that night he will likely blame you for taking him to his mum’s and not to your home. There are bound to be a lot of “if only” thoughts that will be going through his head, and rather than ever admit to himself “if only I hadn’t drank so much, or taken drugs” it will be “if only you had taken me back to yours”.

You may also think this, which is completely normal. However, you had every right not to take him back to your house, but rather than leave him stranded you did take him somewhere where he could be looked after. What has happened is a tragedy and no one is to blame. I bet his parents are also blaming themselves too for what has happened. Guilt in situations like this is a natural response but there is no blame on you at all.

It is early days with what has happened and I fully understand the turmoil you are facing. However, you are NOT responsible for his welfare going forward, but you can be if it is what you WANT. Don’t do it out of guilt or obligation. The journey ahead was always going to be a hard one even if he wasn’t an abuser.

[gladtobefree]

Thank you so much for your reply. I have spoken to him in regards to what ifs and as you said, I already thought he may blame me for taking him home and already said to him that although if I hadn’t had found him then a few minutes later he wouldn’t be here, I’ve also said I’m glad I took him home so that my daughter didn’t find him that way. I am just going to take one day at a time but I needed to speak to someone/anyone who wasn’t involved in the situation. I am very sad that even if he means the sorries and will change, that it took something like this and wasn’t a change he made for us. I have had several arguments arguments him about being selfish and not thinking how his actions make others feel and now we are all in such a horrible situation x

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