Really really needing help with this one

[littledove]

How do you ladies deal with your abusive ex making you out to be a horrible person to everyone and playing the victim?

How do you deal with thinking that other people think badly of you?

I am so sick of being made out to be a horrible mother and that I use my child against him, when really it’s him who uses my child against me. I’m sick of being such a wonderful mother and a good person and my name being trashed by him.

I know I shouldn’t care what others think at all. As long as the ones closest to me know the truth. But I overthink a lot, and it really gets to me that some people may think that my behaviour is “shocking” and not doing what’s best for my daughter etc etc.
I wish they all knew the truth.

It bugs me even more that he makes me out a monster and a crazy person to his new victim.

Just horrible after everything you’ve been through that people can’t open their minds to the horrific things that went on behind closed doors.

To be honest, most people know my ex isn’t the nicest of people anyway and most people do see that I’ve done right by my daughter, but just the select few it upsets me.

How do I manage this? Any words of wisdom? How you cope with it? My anxiety is just really bad and it makes me anxious around people in public places of what they might be thinking about me…

[diymum@1]

I have the same thing I’ve been criticised and judged by mainly his side of the family and friends. This one is tough and it’s anxiety provoking. No one wants to be judged on their parenting and we all know dealing with an abuser an co parenting is really difficult. They twist it round on you. I’m the same I’m quiet wouldn’t harm a fly and looking at me it shows ! But still I got judged too! All you can do is hold your truth. You know lots about how domestic abuse works. Tell the people who you trust about projection and how these men gas light and manipulate. They lie they twist and project. When I see someone on the street and they look down at me like I’m the bad parent I say to my self you obviously don’t understand domestic abuse. That there is ignorance and that is up to them it makes them predjudice. They are in the wrong not you. I’ve been victim blamed on this experience too. It makes me angry and anxious all rolled into one. There’s no easy answer with this but I’d say keep the good people close I can confide in and the judgmental people keep them away as much as possible xx victim blaming is for the weak people who can be bothered to look at a subject because they think it’s contagious xx 💋

[Eggshells]

It feels horrible doesn’t it. We don’t like to be judged but being mis-judged is a whole new ballgame and when you are already vulnerable because of your past experiences, it hurts even more.

I tried telling people about what he was like and what he was still doing but they chose not to believe it. I can see now that I just helped him in his abuse because my claims, when not believed, make me look like a madwoman.

Personally, I’m cutting all ties with anyone who has contact with him (except my children) If I don’t contact them, he can’t use them to hurt me anymore.

[Wants To Help]

This may sound a bit off the wall, but when celebrities get ‘bad press’ some want to try and defend themselves and get their side of a story across, and others stay silent and dignified and feel they never have to justify themselves because people will believe what they want to believe anyway.

Not sure how old you are, but you may have heard of a supermodel called Kate Moss? Many years ago at the height of her career there was a story in the press about her snorting cocaine. She refused to respond to it in any way, neither to confirm nor deny. Her attitude to the stories were “Never complain, never explain.” I thought that was a very dignified way of handling the matter. No matter how many people wanted to hear her account she never gave one. After a while, it all died down and people lost interest.

Now look at Prince Andrew. He did his best (or what he thought was his best!) to try and get his story across that he was no way involved in child abuse with Jeffrey Epstein, he really wanted everyone to hear him out, but it backfired on him big time.

You know your truth, sod everyone else.

[iliketea]

Thanks for asking this question. It feels like mine is grooming people. And I just want to shout really loud “watch out” at them and send them books and educate them. I’ve tried in the past and I’ve just got the “you’re crazy, he’s so nice, are you sure?” “Its probably just work stress, he works SO hard” and all this other BS…
This is one of my biggest fears for the future but I like what WTH says about “Dignified silence” however much you know the truth, keep silent. If they can’t see it then they’re not worth it. Im sorry you’re going through this though, as basically it sucks. xx

[littledove]

Thanks everyone for your replies they’ve all been so helpful in looking at it 💞

diymum@1 and eggshells – I’ve kept all of his friends and family as far away as possible, as some of them are just as nasty as him in nature, and like to manipulate things too – well saying it runs in the family, and his choice in friends *yawn*. All my social media’s are private too, only the people I trust are on mine, thank you ladies💕 xx

@WTH – This is such a good way to look at things. I look at countless celebrities who get bad mouthed by the press and they just live with it and accept that people talk. Come to realise that the people who talk about other people have nothing better to do with their lives and try make themselves feel better about their own lives anyway. You are so right, sod everyone else, thank you 💋xx

@iliketea – I’m getting better at not caring what others think, I have to remember that it doesn’t really affect my life with what other people choose to talk about/believe…someone will always have something to say no matter what you do, have to remember this. The alternative to a few people buying into bull**** is far worse. And one thing that IS hard is when friends don’t really “get it” when you try explain what you’ve been through, they just see it as a bad breakup, but no one can know what it is like unless they have experienced it themselves so I try not blame them, at least they try be there for me ❤️xx

[Wiseafter]

Hi littledove. My ex is smearing me to my sons and his sons and anyone who will listen and has become the victim and knows this is confusing everyone and making me out to be flaky and crazy. I have blocked him but he is still in my thoughts and in my dreams. He is making me paranoid that he has spies everywhere to the point where I only have private conversations in my car now. Everything bad he has done, he has projected onto me and the rest is made up lies. You can’t win with an abuser, it is impossible. I feel that if I come out of this with my sanity and my health and nothing else it will be a miracle to be honest. You don’t have convince anyone because it is just fuelling their power, it will get back to them and they will feel that they still matter to you. Better to let it go. My dad said the same thing about never explain, never complain. He also used to say if you live with integrity and know and speak your truth, that is enough. When I tried to convince others about his lies I just sounded whiny and like a victim so I have stopped now. I am now starting counselling because friends and family can’t handle this level of mindf**k they just can’t, its too much to ask, too much to cope with.

[littledove]

Counselling sounds like such a good idea, I hope it helps you ❤️ do you see Women’s Aid as well? They are so good for a confidential chat and are very understanding and know exactly what you’re talking about ❤️

Yes sometimes after I’ve told someone something I always worry that I’ve shared too much and that it will get back to him. So I’ve stopped talking about anything to do with it really x

[Author]

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