Really struggling

[TrappedButterfly]

I’m really struggling. It’s my first Christmas without him since I left and I feel so guilty. I feel like I am the one who has torn the family apart.

My husband sent me a text the other day saying how much he loves me, how he regrets the day that forced me to leave. How he wishes he could go back in time and change things. How he now realises he did things wrong and for me to tell me what I need for him to be a better husband (he doesn’t want to be a better man for anyone else because no one can replace me or our daughter)

He said he wanted to meet up just us and I said I’d let him know. However I got so caught up sorting things out for Christmas I lost track of time and left it too late. (detail removed by Moderator) he texts me having a go saying I said we would meet and how annoyed he is that he could of made other plans. I am so sure I said to him over the phone that I would let him know.

Because he was so nice in that text the other day I agreed that I would go back for a day after Christmas so we can spend a day as a family with our daughter, but now I feel so uncomfortable.

I always keep thinking that he’s not that bad. There are women out there who are experiencing so much worse. He’s not the typical abuser.

However this is a man who would get so angry over small things he would literally scream in my face.

Who would snatch my phone out of my hands after he had broken me with this spiteful words.

Who belittled me on so many occasions.

Who’d only ever came to bed when he wanted sex. And would get so stroppy when I said no I ended up having to give him something so I did not have to deal with him going off in a strop.

Who would the majority of times push me away when I needed someone. Or be “too busy” to listen.

So why do I feel like I am so close to going back? Wanting to give us another try? I know I deserve better and I know I can’t allow my little one to ever witness a rage attack like she already has. Next time she will be older and will start to realise things more.

I guess I’m writing this to get this all off my chest as I feel so low right now. I am a mixed bag of emotions trying to stay strong for my daughter.

If you have read down this far, thank you so much. I hope you had a lovely Christmas xx

[KIP.]

It wasn’t one day he forced you to leave and he’s says and you lost the things he has done to you and There will have been so many occasions that you will have lost count of the times he abused you. The comment about not wanting to be a better person for anyone else is a veiled threat to get you thinking that he might. It’s psychological manipulation. We crave what is normal, even if that normal is abuse. Don’t meet up with him and cut contact. He’s lying and manipulating you. Can you use a third party for communication. You’re still very vulnerable and zero contact is what’s needed to gather your strength now, you owe him nothing. It’s child abuse to abuse you like that x

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you so much KIP for talking some strength into me.

My mind seems to want to try and block out so much of the bad stuff and only see the good in him.

Its only since I have been away from him and spoken to people that I realise how many red flags there were so early on and how much I have changed into a shell. It’s just so hard not being won over by his words.

The fact I was so on edge (detail removed by Moderator) after he contacted me says it all. And the texts going from really nice to really nasty so quickly is so him. He’s such a Jekyll and Hyde.

You are right. I do need to look at getting a third party involved. I have a little girl to think about now.

[KIP.]

The less contact you have with him, the quicker the fog of abuse will clear. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. Zero contact gives your mind a chance to work out what’s going on. Just now your mind and headspace will be full of staying safe. Contact your local women’s aid for support and read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft x when dad hurts mom is another good Lundy Bancroft book x

[Hereforhelp]

Trappedbutterfly, it is normal to have the feelings you have described and KIP’s book suggestions are really helpful.

When I feel as you do I re read my journal (of his behaviours and why I separated from him, we have been married for decades) and it helps, keep reminding yourself why you have left him and try not to doubt yourself, you left because of his abusive behaviour which is all on him, you have no responsibility for him whatsoever.
Get as much support as you can from your local WA, CAB (I found them helpful as have a project to help women who have/are in a DA relationship), get the books KIP suggested and as much knowledge as you can on DA/DV so that you start to recognise the red flags and signs of abuse.
Keep posting ❤ we will not judge you on any of your decisions, we have all been where you are.
Lots of love ❤

[TrappedButterfly]

Thanks Hereforhelp. I will definitely be reading KIPs book suggestions and thanks for sharing how you cope when you feel like this.

I used to keep a record of all the things he did when I first realised what was happening. Unfortunately I stopped when I went back a couple of years ago. I guess I was trying to convince myself that we were a normal couple.

I will have a read back of what I wrote and will look back at my old posts here again. It’s just so hard because I was advised back then to stay away. Definitely will be getting as much info as I can this time and will be posting here for support if I wobble.

All you girls are lovely, thank you xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi TrappedButterfly,

Christmas is a time of nostalgia and is hyped up by the media as ‘perfect families’ everywhere. Even abusers can get nostalgic at Christmas time for a few minutes, especially ones who feel sorry for themselves and are lonely… but his memories of your relationship are clearly very different to yours!

Yours has tried to hoover you in again, probably so that he doesn’t have to spend Christmas on his ‘own’ because he is not happy living as a single man/father. But true to form, his act hasn’t been able to last long because as soon you have not behaved in the way he expected he has returned to his normal ways and the Cycle of Abuse has lived up to what it is.

You have not torn your family apart at all, you have saved yourself from a life of misery and protected your children from being exposed to awful things. He was clearly abusive from the examples you have given.

Christmas Day is the main day of the year that highlights loneliness and sorrow for many people who are alone, depressed, struggling etc because they believe they are the only ones feeling this way, but they are not. Although I am out of my abusive relationship, Christmas and New Year is not a time I enjoy either for certain reasons and I will also be glad when we get to January 2nd and this is all over. Actually, if I could go to sleep on 22nd December and wake up on 2nd January I would!

I’ve seen your reply to Kip and I’m glad you are feeling a bit more perky today and back on track,

Big hugs for getting through yesterday

xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you Wants to Help. You are so right about Christmas and I think you are very right as to the reason why he texted me being all nice.

I’m the one who always made a big deal about family time and Christmas. I think he was probably half expecting me to give in and go back before Christmas. He knows how upset I get when people are alone.

I always used to love this time of year but in recent years it has filled me with dread. Especially New Year’s Eve. The last (detail removed by Moderator) years I was on my own upstairs crying myself into the new year because he always wanted his own space.

I thought I would be enjoying it this year being away from the eggshells and surrounded with family and friends. I wish I had realised that it wouldn’t be so easy.

Thank you so much. Here’s to January the 2nd! Xx

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