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    • #119842

      I was reading an article earlier about DA, and it mentioned about abusers sometimes hiding our personal items. I hadn’t ever even considered that doing that was abuse but he used to do that to me all the time. He hid my laptop when he knew I needed it for work, he hid my glasses when he knew I get headaches without them sometimes. He would scribble on my work and turn my laptop off too when I was out the room. He’s hidden other things over the years too but those are the two that pop into my head. When I used to ask him why he would do it he’d say “because you p*ssed me off”. I had absolutely no idea that what he was doing was another form of abuse. I guess because I was used to it and it wasn’t shouting or screaming I didn’t even twig. He would even make a joke out of it sometimes saying I shouldn’t wind him up.

    • #119845
      Hetty
      Participant

      I’ve just remembered how my ex would hide and/or rip up family photos or cards. He’d also hide stuff of his that he knew I needed to use – like once I needed his laptop for work so he hid it. I had to ring him to ask where it was. He told me in the end but still… how messed up is that?!
      The scribbling on your work makes me think of something an infant would do – “so and so scribbled on my work today in class”.
      These men will really use any means possible to hurt us and mess with us. Xx

    • #119846
      Numbnumb
      Participant

      I don’t think mine hid things but he must have. He did PLANT a pair of knickers that were not mine in my draw…madness He eventually admitted doing it but I couldn’t even quiz him too much about where they came from ,scared of his horrible he would get. That phrase really chimed with me .I can hear myself saying so many times “why would you do that?” About something and him saying ” cause you missed me off”.

      • #119874
        gettingtired
        Participant

        When mine has been back to love bombing after saying some really horrible things to me in an argument I couldn’t just act normal again which I could sense annoyed him. I’d say well you called me such and such or whatever and he’d shrug it off saying “Ohhh I just said it to p*ss you off”. I accepted that for a while but then started to realise that’s just not really a fair or normal excuse for calling me those things.

    • #119847
      KIP.
      Participant

      Blaming you for his behaviour is another form of abuse. Minimising your emotions and reactions again another form of abuse. Hiding abuse behind a joke, another form of abuse. Veiled threats ‘because you p****d me off’ again designed to control you into not challenging his behaviour. All these things taken in isolation don’t amount to much but when you add them all up it’s a sure pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour and it creeps up on us and becomes normal to us. All the while, he’s destroying your sense of self, self esteem and self confidence. Making you question reality. Soul destroying. Living with the Dominator is a good book and I’m sure you will recognise much more of his abusive behaviour x

    • #119850
      iliketea
      Participant

      Oh yes, I had this, once when I realised because I’d taken a photo of one of my children, and the item was in the photo, I didn’t say anything to him but it clicked something and I suddenly started seeing all his weird behaviour, the casual lies over nothing, the ease in which he just said things that weren’t true. It was like someone had put xray glasses on me, its amazing how much we sort of “don’t see” because of trust and thinking someone is “normal”. Great post. x

    • #119860

      It’s like all these abusers have been to the same club on how to hurt people! Reading your replies it’s scary how alike they all sound! One time I’d taken my (detail removed by Moderator) ring off because I was washing up, left it (detail removed by Moderator) high up so only an adult could reach it. I accidentally forgot about it and went a few days till I noticed I hadn’t put it back on. I went to (detail removed by Moderator) and it was gone. I immediately felt sick because I knew if I’d lost it he would of gone mental. But only an adult could of reached (detail removed by Moderator) so I was confused. That evening he asked me where my ring was. I said well it was on (detail removed by Moderator) and explained why I’d taken it off. He didn’t become angry which made me suspicious. Turns out he had taken it off the (detail removed by Moderator) and hidden it.

      • #119901
        Iwantmeback
        Participant

        Hi there, I’ve not been on in ages, months really. I just wanted to let you know that my oh not going off on one when he hid something of mine , was what alerted me to his behaviour. I’d lost this item for a good few weeks, had advertised it loss.i only found it when I got so fed up with his side of the couch being so messy and dirty. I found the item under all his papers. He didn’t know this so it’s not identifying me. I then piece missing money, things turning up in weird places.
        There’s no logical reason behind this behaviour, they do it cos they can.
        IWMB

    • #119861
      Hetty
      Participant

      My ex would also accuse me of moving his stuff or going through his stuff when I categorically hadn’t which I think was just something made up to have a fight. He’d also always blame if anything got broke, damaged or (genuinely) lost in the house x

    • #119863
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      My husband recently did something similar, preventing me from working from home. Thank goodness I’d recently read Why Does He Do That? It all made sense – he’s angry with me for not meeting his unrealistic expectations so he’s trying to control me by punishing me. I would have got caught up wondering why he was doing it in the past. Now I’m starting to see things more clearly and seeing how crazy and unreasonable it is. I think when you realise it’s abuse you almost wonder why you didn’t see it before. But of course keeping you confused and wondering/guessing is all part of the abuse so not at all surprising that it takes us a while to see what’s going on. X*x

    • #119865
      Hetty
      Participant

      For me it was the drip, drip, drip effect. Until he used to shout and swear at me almost daily. Always snide comments, name calling belittling, expecting me to wait on him hand and foot without even a thank you. If that’d happened in the first few years of the relationship I’d never have moved in with him. Of course there were other red flags though that I ignored and he was busy acting mr nice and love bombing. These men are master manipulators xx

    • #119943
      Cecile
      Participant

      So glad I came back on here tonight and read these posts. Things like all those described that he did to me have been running through my head like old movies for the last few days. When we moved once a I asked him to be careful with an item with glass parts essential to its use. Guess what, when we unpacked it one part was missing. I ignored this and a few months later he asked me if I has noticed it was gone. He smirked when I said I had indeed noticed. I also “lost” something of immense value to me, irreplaceable, during the move, I was very distressed as it was all my work from a course, originals. I searched every where to no avail, distraught. He presented it to me weeks later with a smirk, telling me I was always losing things. He did this all the time, telling me I needed to be more careful, ought to look after my belongings, I was always breaking things etc. Only when I saw the light before I left him did I understand that I am not careless. Months after leaving him I have not lost or broken anything.

    • #119958
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Funny how once we leave we don’t lose our break anything or burn the dinner. I’ve only misplaced things when I’ve had too much contact with him, and it agitates me so much.
      IWMB 💞💞

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