Recovery seems almost impossible

[Scared and sad]

I haven’t posted for a couple of weeks and I have now been living away from him for a few weeks, although I have broken the no contact advice. I feel very much as though I am making small steps of progress and then something will happen to make me realise I am so far away from this. I feel that if I had bruises those around me would understand more. There are no bruises for emotional abuse, there is no evidence other than my word against his. He pulled a priceless move by crying on the shoulder of a number of our friends just after final split. Now whenever I speak with anyone they remind me of how upset he is. I don’t want people to take sides, I just feel frustrated that the plight of an emotionally abused individual is tougher than anyone can imagine, unless you too have been emotionally abused. It makes me so frustrated when I think that he has never shown any emotion to me regarding discarding me let alone cry. He never cared if he made me cry, in fact it made him even angrier. The only thing he has ever done when I cried was to close the window so the neighbours could not hear. I am doing my best to cope, I try to keep busy, I try to exercise, I immerse myself in my work but the reality is I am destroyed and I just hope that one day I will wake up and this nightmare will be over.

[Watersprite]

Hello there sending a hug. Recovery takes time – be gentle with yourself. You are doing amazing have left him working even though it feels so so bad. Slowly it will get better pour your energy into you not him or people who now associate with him. A lot of us had to leave friends and family on here. No contact is really the only way to heal – otherwise it’s like picking at a scab. Maybe read up on trauma bonding? You are not alone x

[Scared and sad]

Hi watersprite, thank you for your support xx

[Eyesopening]

Hi sacred & sad.
Well done, really this is a tough time, and my heart goes out to anyone who has to go through this, i know it’s not so long ago i left.
It sounds like there is still alot of focus on him though. I was like this also after leaving, mutual friends said he was a mess etc. It’s all his games, they are his flying monkeys though unconsciously. I have literally cut off every mutual friend, this can hurt sometimes. But ultimately, I need to be complete no contact from him and anyone he is in contact with, because i can’t stand to hear anything about him. My ex’s words he had said to me before would be coming to me through a friend, that’s when i realized, i had to cut them off. Also i deleted all social media.
No one else matters apart from you. People who love you will be caring for you no matter what the situation actually is. I have only told one person in my life the whole truth so far, otherwise people who love me know i need support but that I am not ready to talk about it. It doesn’t matter what they think, it doesn’t really matter if they understand, they can still be there for you. Abuse is so complicated, it took me years and the experience to understand, I don’t think anyone can truly understand unless they have been through it. I think that’s why local DA services are really important and this forum, that’s where you find people who understand.
It does get better, it really does, the first few months are the worst, then it’s only uphill from there. Remember its like waves, its like the cycle of abuse, some days you will feel fine, then other days you will feel terrible. Each time the terrible wave gets shorter and less intense. I know that it does feel like your back to square one sometimes when you have a bad wave, but once you ride through that wave, you’ll come out stronger for it.
Keep reaching out
You can do this
x*x

[Anonymous]

Scared and sad he’s triangulating, my sister and a few ex’s did the same to me it’s where they get other people to feel sorry for them so they pick sides get you isolated and made to be seen as the bad person so they get all the attention and be made to be seen as the poor heartbroken martyr, abusers are actors (but you already probably know that) it also may come under character assassination and he may be painting you as everything he was and telling people things you did to him (which was actually things he did/said to you) they basically flip to script, so if you find people not wanting to know you anymore that’s the probably cause, but it may be a good idea to separate from people you both know anyway in case it ends up like a toxic soup, abuse has more cause and effects than just the trauma of coming out of, it’s like a bomb blast where more people are affected because of one disturbed individual, take care (emotional trauma is horrible, I know) 💜💗💜

[Scared and sad]

Hi,thank you, all. Your messages are of great support to me. This time of year was always going to be difficult. I take comfort in your words. I know I have a long road ahead xx

[Lazarus17]

It is hard – the hardest thing I ever did was leave. And it was all emotional/psychological abuse – he never raised a hand to me – he knew had he done so, I’d have left years ago.

But it does get easier – especially so when there’s zero contact. I’m afraid cold turkey is the only way. One day at a time. And avoid/cut off all those “friends” who report back to you about him (in some ways, even harder to do) I found I had to write a short “speech” so that I could say to the “friends” how I didn’t want to know about the ex, that it was traumatic and that if they were telling me about him, then they must be telling him about me – and that would put my physical and mental health at risk. Maybe you could do something similar?

Stay strong – you really are stronger than you think! Honest!

[Scared and sad]

Thank you @lazarus17, my heart is broken. My head is a mess, I’m failing miserably at no contact. I can’t see an end to it. I need to be stronger and stick to what I know I should do. I feel so very sad.

[Lazarus17]

I know @Scared and sad. I truly do.
It’s like an addiction – you know it’s toxic and bad for you, but it seems impossible to give up.
It’s not impossible. As much as it seems that way .
Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from the urge to get in touch? In my case, it was walking (especially finding an empty field and screaming/crying out loud!) And my family (the kids especially were a distraction). Just taking it 1 minute/hour/day/week at a time. There will be setbacks, until you realise how relaxed life is without the abuse. (You don’t realise at first)

Or maybe set yourself a goal – nothing too unattainable. (Sort out your underwear drawer – something like that!)

It does get better, I promise 😊

[Scared and sad]

Thank you @Lazarus17. I have had a very good cry and tomorrow is another day 😌.

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