This topic contains 17 replies, has 18 voices, and was last updated by  EbonyRaven 5 hours, 39 minutes ago.

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  • #87008

    Can you remember the first red flag? ⚑

  • #87010

    Yeah,there were so many minor ones but the first major one early in the relationship was over an innocent comment I made in the car. He turned really nasty (ranting and full of poison) and it was like sitting next to a different person. It was a total over the top reaction. That’s when I started to feel fearful of him. Why oh why did I carry on?

  • #87016

    Only a matter of weeks into our relationship he brutally raped me. Yet I carried on being with him. Pushed it to the depths of my mind. I was young and I believe he groomed me. So don’t be concerned that you missed any red flags. I had a huge one waved in my face and I still didn’t act x

  • #87040

    Absolutely I can remember the very first red flag clearly. We weren’t living together yet, we were spending the evening at his place, he told me I could use his PC then after an hour he suddenly started screaming at me telling me that’s enough, it is his turn now. No-one had ever screamed at me in such manner before, I didn’t say a word, I took my coat and left. He calmed down immediately, ran after me and asked me not to go, to pls stay, I told him this isn’t fair you told me I could use it and secondly if you wished using it yourself why didn’t you ask me politely? This isn’t fair nor civilised.
    He started to tell me how he wasn’t aware about his voice being too loud and intimidating because he grew up in a household where his parents were always screaming and fighting with each other. He apologised. I went back in.
    Yes I remember that very first red flag.

  • #87073

    Looking back one sort of stands out. I’d been asked to go out with the girls in our group, the men were watching footie or some sport. When i came back he told me I’d wasted the weekend as he’d planned to take me away. none of this was said nastily more in a hurt tone, like you chose them above me. He hadn’t it was because I’d went out. It’s a red flag now but at the time i felt so bad for letting him down.

  • #87078

    When I first met my ex, he came across as self-centred and I detected a slightly superior attitude, but I liked him so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Since then I’ve learned to my cost that self-centredness and a superior attitude towards women are characteristics of abusers.

    In the beginning he love-bombed me, but he also made the occasional disparaging comment which I dismissed at the time because everything else was so positive.

    From now on my mantra is never to give the benefit of the doubt!

  • #87215

    The first one that stands out is when I refused to stay at his house for u know what and asked him to take me home. He did.. at at least 90mph. I was tricking it. Needless to say I felt so bad for not staying over.

  • #87216

    We were clothes shopping, he suggested stealing an item a cant remember what. When i told him it was stealing he called me a stupid fat b***h. And laughed at me for being so stupid to believe he would actually steal. He then stormed off and said dont f*****g speak to me. Stupidly i hurried behind him apologising for thinking he was capable of stealing. He gave me the silent treatment, which looking back was the first red flag of silent treatment which turnt into him getting sex as a form of everythings okay now as I can shag you.

  • #87217
     [email protected] 

    he asked someone for my number and repeatedly called my mum and dads house asking me to go out dancing. i said no four times (i had been dating his friend for a short time and we ended up being just friends) so once he finally got me on that date only four or five hours in he told me he loved me i didnt say it back and thought hmm thats strange should have walked then. the charm is a red flag now too looking back. his infatuation made me feel really wanted. i mistook that for something else i was actually a possession.just a peice off meat xx

  • #87218

    He threw a controller across the room screaming at the top of his lungs and storming out of the room because he wasn’t as good at the game as he hoped. I still remember watching the snow out the window shaking from every joint completely frozen. That was the first of many instances of phisical anger directed at the world around him… A few years later he strangled me because I needed him to help preparing the flat for guests…

  • #87228

    Wow. What a good question and some interesting replies. I wish I’d listened to my head not my heart. On holiday with friends second visit since I’d met him there where he was living. He was performing at a concert I was taking photos and momentarily left my bag unattended and my phone was stolen. It was like world war 3… all my fault I’m stupid and careless, he cornered me in the hotel room yelling at me while I cowered in the corner. I told him I didn’t want us to be together after seeing “that side” of him. Cue the tears and begging and I believed he was sorry and it was a one off. How wrong I was. And now nearly a decade later I’m free of him (almost) in debt to my eyeballs but happier than I’ve been in years. Can’t imagine starting again with another man, I’d find it too difficult to trust. Xx

    • #88005

      My ex used to get in an absolute rage over his PlayStation games! He was so over the top and would storm off. He would play against my son and lose it with him if it wasn’t going his way. I never once thought anything but how childish and especially given he was playing again my son. Awful! X

  • #87999

    Really good question! My first red flag was when I first met him, out with best mate and her boyfriend, think they were trying to set us up.. as we were leaving the nightclub he was angry for some unknown reason and threatening strangers, saying he just wants to punch someone! I talked to him and tried to calm him down, and next day he was all sorry etc. I was so young and naive!

  • #88010

    I was making an apple crumble and was peeling the apples with a knife. He said I should do it with a peeler instead. I said I preferred a knife because you always end up trashing your nails when you use a peeler. He went absolutely ballistic. …

  • #88012
     Too far 

    There were a few but the first was meeting his family when I quickly realised they we’re all obsessed with cleaning, the kitchen was empty completely (even the kettle was put away once it wasn’t in use!)
    His brother could only use a towel once then boil washed it incase it had skin particles on it! I soon found that my husband was just as bad and (detail removed by moderator) years on his expectations of a clean home are totally unrealistic especially with small children, I’m now constantly reminded of my failures as a homemaker and wife which after (detail removed by moderator) years has effected my confidence obviously and Made me a nervous person

  • #88137

    The first time he coerced me into sex. That was early days…

  • #88156

    Good question. I can see that I glossed over several red flags because I was really lonely, and the rest he gaslighted away.

    The early red flags in my relationship were:

    1. Him saying ‘we can keep texting anyway’ when I’d asked for some space right at the start as I was getting over another relationship. I remember thinking this was a bit strange and I think it’s because he wasn’t actually respecting my need for space – he was testing my boundaries. Most normal men would back off if asked to.

    2. He suddenly stopped texting after a long text message conversation over a holiday period, meaning that I was left devastated during the holiday as I thought he had ‘played me.’ He then suddenly got back in touch again, insisted that he hadn’t heard from me and I found myself apologising.

    3. He made some strange crude jokes on an early date which didn’t seem to match the rest of his personality.

    4. He actually told me he liked violence (in relation to tv etc) on an early date, for some reason I didn’t run at this stage.

    I can see that he gaslighted me right from the start so I was in a state of confusion, because for the most part he seemed like this great guy with these tiny odd occasional red flags above that didn’t make any sense at the time, so they were easy to ignore in my lonely, desperate for affection, love and companionship state.

  • #88171

    We were out at the pub, so it must have been early days because that stopped after a while because he’d accuse me of having affairs with any man I spoke to there. Anyway, pub…he was relating a story of something that had happened, and he embroidered it, also subtly altering it and leaving his part out, to make me look stupid. He brushed off my attempts to interject with the reality.

    When I confronted him later about it, he said I was overreacting, and he’d only told a funny story but it had been me that had done the stupid thing. After a very circular conversation he then said he was sorry I didn’t want to admit to what I’d done and would rather call him a liar.

    Got the silent treatment for a couple of hours and was then coerced into ‘make up’ sex, which I really, really wasn’t in the mood for.

    Ah distance and cold logic. In the eye of the storm all you see is the storm.

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