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I was wondering if we could help each other by recalling from our experiences Red flags, what may appear normal but in fact are Red Flags of an abuser. Warning signs that something just doesn’t seem quite right here, That feels uncomfortable, surely that’s not normal, need to be cautious, wary. I think it would be valuable as abusers use every trick in the book, vary but are all cut from the same cloth. I mentioned it in another post but one Red flag that stood out was “When you meet my family don’t believe anything Amy of them tell you, they are all compulsive liars” Why would he pre warn me, why would he even be worried any of them might say something to me. He had a lot to hide, was scared someone would slip up. Xx
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Pushing you to commit too early
Declaring you are his soul-mate before time or joint experiences have really proved this ( making you feel you were destined for him- almost like you don’t have a choice)
Pushing sexual intimacy before you feel ready/ like you have no choice ( ‘possessing’ you makes you then feel he owns you)
Questionable sense of humour/ disrespectful or distasteful or cruel jokes at others’ expense
Victim vocabulary: how hard he’s had it, how bad everyone is, how all his exes mistreated him and didn’t appreciate him
Meanness with money but expecting you to pay
Too much contact throughout day- like he’s keeping tabs on you or doesn’t want you to not think about him
Suggestion of strict gender roles ( women should do the housework, cleaning, follow the man’s lead etc)
Sob stories about his life which seem a bit dramatic to be true
Never apologising, or insincere apologies
History of losing jobs/ getting chucked out of establishments – either for bad behaviour or lack of staying power
How he treats those who can’t do anything for him specifically
How he treats the weak and vulnerable
How he treats your family and friends
How much support he is in situations requiring empathy
How interested he is in your thoughts, preferences or views- or are you just there to agree with and reflect him
and be his adoring audienceFrequent put- downs- including those which he disguises as a joke – especially at times you feel confident or are looking good
He starts arguments just when you need to
Go out without him/ do something important which doesn’t involve himRidiculing of your beliefs and values
Praising you just for what you ‘do’ for him- not who
you are as a separate individualJealousy
Treatment of animals – too forceful/ neglectful/ cruel
Attitude to children – too forceful and authoritarian, punitive, kids are there to make parent look good/ do not gongs for parent and he begrudges doing things for children
Love-bombing
The world owes him a living attitude
Demanding sex / getting annoyed when you say no
Witholding sex or affection as a punishment
A punitive mind ( he believes in punishing people)
Temper flare-ups – especially if cyclical ( such as monthly)
Wanting to take control of money early on- or wanting g you to whilst he sits on his laurels ( it should be a joint thing)
Weak morals- saying lying or stealing is excusable, etc.
A liking for violent films
Minimising men’s guilt when talking about the abuse of women
His culture and family background: is it chauvinistic? Who are his role models? Who does he look up to?
What kind of friends he keeps
Who he looks up to
Who he aspires to be
Wanting things done his way all the time
Lack of gratitude towards you / ignoring important occasions/ ruining important occasions
Not liking the word ‘No.’
Saying ‘I deserve.’
Not allowing you space and time to get on with your work/ own projects
…..!!!
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Hi Serenity I’ve just read through your list and thought to myself oh no one of those points sounds just like me & I panicked, It was the victim vocabulary. That sounds like I sound, but has been so true, it took him and the freedom project to make me fall majorly to the realisation that I’ve been abused all my life, since getting away I have felt utter panic that it is me, I have been sitting target for abusers all my life. I have really opened up about it, talked about it, feel this self shame, He used to often scold “it is your own fault how other people treat you” Yet he was the main abuser, the terrifying one. Now I feel incredibly guilty, there are always people worse off, I have been incredibly lucky to get away, had loads of help and yet in my dreadful highly anxious aftermath have had the nerve to talk talk about all my problems, how seriously he effected both myself & my son, I feel awful now for feeling a victim, For struggling to come to terms with the dreadful impact its all had on me, I feel I have no right to have had help to get myself and my son away. I also was an idiot keeping phone contact, sulked into believing the hoovering, even ending up in hospital through crashing badly, Allowed him to visit, allowed him to kid everyone I was gone in the fn head! I just don’t get any of this anymore. I had been in such a dreadful state there, adult son too, that by the time we left I was completely broken, son too. Both so weak, defeated, we have been so lucky to have had so much help, I didn’t expect to end up having a major breakdown, thought I could and would be OK once away. I was such an idiot to have believed him, believed he cared, he had completely broken us, completely. I can’t sleep again, I don’t want to feel like a victim, I don’t want to be so ill now. I survived all of that but don’t know if I can take much more. Feeling so guilty now, I should have been stronger, This is all my fault I allowed myself most of my life to be abused, couldn’t hold on any longer once Away and here now I am what he said useless and worthless. I feel physically sick looking back, looking at now, looking to any kind of future, Such a weak and worthless person xx
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Ps I meant foolishly into believing not sulked x
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And using the weapons of guilt, obligation and fear to get you to do what he wants, rather than have an open and fair discussion.
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Hi Serenity it’s so scary when you think of all the things they do, even scarier that we didn’t know or realise what was happening x
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My main red flags would be:
– love bombing – so intense so quick; I was young and naive, he was my first proper bf; told he loved me within 2 weeks!
– sulking when my family took attention away from him; he later drove a subtle wedge between me and my family
– and trying to ‘improve’ me for my own good – eg I was so shy I struggled to order a pizza so he got me to do it all the time to ‘get over your fear’.I’m still processing all his abuse – as it was all so subtle for so long, until the end that ia when he played his last hand so obviously (believing me to be so broken and in his control… sorry wandering off topic.
Interested to see other’s red flags as I am constantly having ‘oh that’s a red flag?!’ moments…
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Hi iwillbeok mine was slow and subtle to intense daily & scary. Treading on eggshells 24/7 but he also did other things that were terrifying. I got so he was accusing me of doing things that I had been nowhere near, like using his printer, breathing too loud, ranted at for what other people were doing. Red flags everywhere x
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I Will Be Ok:
My ex used to loudly tell people ( even in my presence) that he could ‘never get me to reach my potential.’
I used to be quite bemused and confused by that.
I realise now that he was trying to brainwash me into thinking that my success depended upon him. That everything I achieved needed his say so.
It was also brainwashing me into thinking I could never reach my potential.
It also covered him: people who wondered why I had given up my latest university course would think it was just due to a lack of confidence and would not suspect him- when in fact, he was cleverly sabotaging any attempt I made to reach my potential.
In the last couple of years with him, I somehow found it within myself to take a course ( without his permission- though he did try to derail me on many occasions) and surpass myself by achieving a professional qualification I never thought I could achieve.
He made it clear he was seething about my achievement ( which he never even congratulated me about at the time ) by sitting a sarcastic congratulations as he left.
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My career was a ‘back up’ to his – a safety net. He would describe as my paid hobby and just somewhere to socialise. As a result of moving a lot to further his career (to get to a position where he would be left alone to do his job and control (ha! There’s that word again!) his own ‘destiny’ (?!), my career has suffered. I try not to think about what I might have achieved…
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Well done you for getting qualified Serenity.
My ex would criticise my friends (how they were not good friends to me), yet he had none. On the other hand – he would flirt “innocently” with them… probably only cause none of them reciprocated.
Then there was the threesome – of which I have spoken to no one! (detail removed by moderator) months we lived together… he seduced her. She was my friend. She was lovely. At least he only wasted (detail removed by moderator) monthsof her life…
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How I wish I had been so much stronger and able to have had the strength to do the same, there were outside major things going on, things which prevented it from happening. I was so weak by his emotional onslaughts throughout that I got weaker and weaker, felt like I struggled to get through each day, barely functioning as a human any more. The last few years things happened that made me absolutely fall to pieces, No one will ever believe the truth because it is so crazy how he acted, I just need to leave all that in my mind, locked away & throw away the key. It will always haunt me what I know, always always I hope he has to live in fear one day, Even then he will never ever realise what he did to others that caused massive harm. Very very clever though how he always made himself look innocent!! Caused huge conflicts then left others arguing, causing huge rifts, him always the fuel to every fire. X
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Hi there yes i got the i love u in weeks. Pushing me too quick to be involved with his daughter said i were her step mum in weeks. Constant phone calls where are u? Constant messages all day. Even when i were in the bath and he were downstairs. Driving a wedge between me and my best friend. Saying his ilness were deteriorating as soon as i were getting ready to go out. Threatening to jump in the canal if i finished with him. X
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He never threatened to kill himself, but he was so mentally doing crazy things that were alarming I feared something could happen. It was his threats of others doing dreadful stuff that terrified. He’d done it years. Xx
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My abuser would talk about putting himself out of his misery – in his rage he’d say that if he had a gun right there he would have done it.
The scariest one however, was when he came to me completely calm and said he wanted me to facilitate him committing suicide, he wasnt sure exactly how yet but would make it look like an accident. He wanted me to make things easier on the kids. Sick.
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That must have terrified you, I have has moments when I couldn’t take anymore & felt like I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, he pushed me so hard and terrified me so much it had crossed my mind to end it all but the thought of my kids always stopped me. I know a lot of people who truly can’t take the mental pressure of abuse when it has been severe feel that they just can’t go on, the pressure is too much. X
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My husband has been threatening to commit suicide for several decades to the point where I eventually took one of his treats seriously due to the particular circumstances he was in and because he had texted me about it. I rang 101 after getting some advice from a friend and Pandora’s box opened that night…i received a series of questions from the police officer who came to our house, each going deeper and deeper. I was told that if he threatened again, I was to call the police again as this was intimidation, and I did, exactly one week later. I couldn’t believe what was happening again.
It has never stopped.
I now remember how he threatened me on the phone of throwing himself under the wheels of a train…months into knowing him, or how in his letters he used to say he couldn’t see himself living beyond the age of x till he met me, the Saviour!
Thinking back about it, I feel ashamed. I am an easy target.It’s terrible how someone can blackmail another person like that…
And if they do kill themselves, you are left bearing the guilt for the rest of your life…complete control! Beyond the grave…sad, really sad.
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I think it’s incredible and admirable for anyone to have a good career, and anyone who aspires should not be prevented from achieving their goals. I also think there are people who are satisfied with not being high flyers, Some because they aren’t able for whatever reason. The subject of high flyers is also something he used to intimidate me over, he would praise high fling powerfully career minded women, putting me down in the process, I’ve know hundreds of women who are beautiful, who just have normal everyday jobs, men too. Mine hated anyone who had pots of money, would say the amount of money they have is insane, he would often go on about celebrities and say “do you know what they are worth” I think people think I’m crazy but have lived a life of having to be careful & expect very little, have never had lush holidays or designer clothes, shoes only named brands from charity shops. I have never expected any man to spoil me with expensive things, I was told over and over again by him that other men were idiots buying their wives or partners expensive gifts. The car I used to drive, he would tell people I bought that fn car she drives about in, it was a normal car, what he never told people that it was his car not mine!! Or that he used to check it, anything like stone chips, normal ware & tear he would go crazy at me, ranting it’s your fn driving, I had a clean driving licence, had never had an accident, He was a crazy dangerous driver, points on licence, wore no seat belt, always used mobile whilst driving, all things I was so careful. A Small deer ran into the car one day, really scary, he went crazy at me like it was my fault. He constantly criticised my driving, the only one ever, everyone else felt safe with me. I think in general there are a lot of men who can not handle women being Hugh flying career women, I don’t just mean as their wives or partners but society in general. It is wrong, people are people, male or female, should all be treated equally. x
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Too right, Blueberry. Everyone should be free to be who they are and to do what makes them happiest without judgement.
I was in a job for a long time which my ex put me down about- but I was very happy doing it.
My ex is so concerned what other people think, his social status and money. I
don’t give two hoots about all that. I just had a personal challenge to overcome- a stammer which had become much worse when I was with him- and I wanted to challenge myself to see if I could overcome it by training for a job which didn’t involve me hiding myself away.When I was a child, I was told my by a career advisor that I could do a certain job due to my stammer and that I had to ‘be realistic.'( my stammer was severe as a young teen) .
It is disgusting that I was told this rather than be encouraged. I was traumatised by my home life, which was what was making my stammer I think. Things have changed now: people are encouraged to follow their dreams and not let things hold them back.
Even now, I am not interested in a high flighing career. It’s much more important to me to do a job which helps people. It was just that my ex used to tease me about not having achieved much and was trying to make me feel that I was almost disabled and inept- and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do whatever I wanted and that his telling me I wasn’t capable was a pile of twaddle.
I won’t ever want to be a high flier. I’m not interested in it. A peaceful life helping others is all I care about. And gaining my qualification has helped me regain my confidence. That’s the most important thing. My stammer is virtually gone and My job involves public speaking. I think my ex was so sick that he liked to traumatise me and see my stammer worsening. He told me he wished I was non-verbal.
They say that many psychopaths are found at the top of companies, in positions of power- politics, CEOs of companies etc. I want to
Distance myself from that competitive life. A quiet life using my specific talents is all I care about. There are so many people doing important jobs whose value isn’t recognised. You’re right, everyone is equal. My course was just a personal challenge to myself. -
Hi, I’m new here and trying to get my head round whats going on…if you have seen my other messages you will know i am just not convinced about it being abuse, just a bit of an anger issue, but reading this has been really interesting.
My hubby asked me to marry him after about 2 weeks, and continued asking. I said yes after about 6 months, genuinely happy to say yes. He dropped me at work this morning 5 hours ago and in that time has tested 8 times and emailed 9 – is that normal or is he checking up on me? he sulks when I say no to sex and said ‘he might as well not be here’ because we don’t have sex enough, but I don’t know what he meant by that…I was too scared to ask….but can these not be the actions of a man who just loves me, he asked me to marry him quickly because he knew I was the one, and he keeps in touch because he misses me, and he says sex is the ultimate way to demonstrate trust and love so thats why he wants to have sex with me and feels rejected when I say no because its like saying i don’t love him…. -
The more I read your posts Oaktree alarm bells are ringing .With any realionship there needs to be s healthy balance which you both feel comfortable with you .It might help to read up a bit more regarding abusive men .You say he does not act out all these traits but most of what you’ve been saying are traits of abusive man .My Ex husband blamed his behaviour on how he was brought up and when he was working out Iraq etc .I believed him at first as I loved him so much like you I was confused .Of course with my Ex there was an element with his behaviour due to him being in Iraq but over time I finally realised he was sbudive .It took me s long time to accept that .You realise there is something not quite right but I think your at a stage where you can’t accept just yet sadly your partner is sbusive to you .
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Oaktree it’s definitely not normal/healthy if he is emailing and ringing you that much, it is usually about them controlling you when they do that. My ex used to get me to text him every morning by telling me that otherwise he’d ‘get really anxious and worry that I was going to leave him.’ I realised later that this was a way of controlling me, by staying in constant contact and finding out where I was, what I was doing and who I was with.
If you look up the cycle of abuse and power and control wheel, you’ll see what is called the honeymoon period. Abusers are never abusive all the time, otherwise none of us would end up with them or stay. Most abusive men are extremely charming, friendly and ‘nice’ when we first meet them and push for quick involvement, my ex seemed like ths sweetest guy I’d ever met and seemed extremely keen on me, messagaging me all the time and always wanting to meet up way more than the previous men I’d dated which initially seemed very flattering. Sadly it’s just a mask to lure us in and a red flag. The mask starts to slip and we feel incredibly confused. I thought ‘how could my lovely boyfriend possibly be abusive’ until I wrote down everything he’d said and done and and disturbing picture revealed itself.
Just keep reading and posting and you will gain some understanding and clarity. 🙂
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Mine was the same, he proclaimed we were destined to be together. He told me he loved me within a week. I was totally love bombed. Looking back, it wasn’t love, he actually told me that it was an obsession near the end, but I fell for it hook, line and sinker.
As time went by he drip fed me his true character. I discovered he’d always had affairs, never been faithful to anyone, some lasting years, even though he’d been married previously. He had had a porn addiction he blamed on his ex wife but he swore I’d changed him for the better and he’d never do such things again.
Men like him don’t change though,they get worse as they get older. It’s like watching a butterfly turn into a slug, as their mask slips x -
I’ve thought of a few more:
They seem incredibly charming and likeable when you meet them, a real old-fashioned gentleman
They are incredibly keen on you from the start, without actually knowing you
You catch them in a lie, however small
They tell you grandiose stories painting themselves as a victim or hero
They seem to enjoy scaring then ‘rescuing’ you
They have a sleazy attitude towards women noticeable in their comments about women, who they are following on social media, what kind of TV they watch etc (often hidden initially whilst they are pretending to be gentlemen)
You realise they are immature and childish as you get to know them (initially hidden by the charm)
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I like your phrase, Nina “It’s like watching a butterfly turn into a slug, as their mask slips”. This totally fits for me, his mask was slipping for so long I barely noticed (as I was so miserable I was just putting one foot in front of the other…), until things escalated and he removed it all together. He was so ugly. I came across a recent photo of him on my phone and I said out loud (no one was home) “Who the f**k are you?”.
I was going through old letters and found some much older photos of us together. Again, I did not recognise this man/boy – the butterfly that he was has turned to dust.SunshineRainflower, I completely agree with your statement about sleaziness towards women. In hind sight, my ex is a mysoginist. Cannot abide by any women with any strength. Constant comments about ‘women drivers’. His humour was always smutty/inuendo based.
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My ex was very critical of other women but at the beginning he made me feel I was the exception – I did things better than most women he said – is that putting you on a pedestal?
One thing that came up in a group I attended was most of them seem to be huge fans of (detail removed by Moderator)!!
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(detail removed by Moderator) My ex was very clever and crafty and pretended to be a women’s rights, LGBT rights, feminism supporting enlighted modern man who disliked (detail removed by Moderator)! But by the end of the relationship he was basically a violent misogynist, making jokes about women, about domestic abuse, about feminism. It was sickening to realise I’d been tricked into a relationship with someone who is basically my worst nightmare.
Yes if they say something along the lines of ‘all the previous women in my life were crazy psychos, I’m so glad I met you’ it’s a huge red flag and as you say putting you on a pedestal. It also shows their contempt for women, and it’s almost like a threat warning you not to be like ‘all the rest’ when in reality it probably means he mistreated them all.
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They are definitely sleazy, my ex used to grade women out of ten for looks and potential performance in bed and tell me. He even told me he used to imagine all of his female clients naked, eeew. If I criticised his behaviour, I’d be called jealous and insecure.
They are immature, mentality stunted and women to them are just inferior sex objects where you are either a s**t or a saint. I don’t know what gives them this grandiose sex god image they have of themselves. (detail removed by Moderator) x -
The meanness with money was definitely a red flag for me, at first I thought it was just “his way” as he was mean with everyone, but now I realise that it is a very unattractive personality trait to not want to spend money on anyone, his family, friends, or not to give anything at all to any charities.
Misogyny – my ex hated “women drivers”, and even though I work full time my job was not as “important” as his so therefore I should do all the childcare and housework, as if I didn’t get tired too!
My ex was very impatient with anyone, he had a very low opinion of other people but now I realise that he had a very low opinion of me and the kids too.
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My ex was so mean with money too and I felt so guilty for thinking it wondering if maybe I was some sort of gold digger because I would have liked him to buy me a drink, a gift or a meal occasionally! I even had to buy the food I ate around at his house, he was the tightest meannest man I’ve ever met. I thought ‘maybe this is what dating and relationships are like these days, men don’t like to treat women anymore.’ It was so confusing but I found it very depressing especially as I was looking for work while he was on a high salary.
I used to buy or make him little gifts, the only thing he got me was a cheap card and manipulative bunch of red roses on valentines day after he’d been abusive. It was as if it was physically painful for him to spend money on anyone but himself (he never left tips for waiters). What threw me was that on the first few dates he offered to pay for everything which I politely declined as I didn’t want him to think I was rude, but it gave me the false impression that he was generous.
It was almost as if he knew many of the red flags I’d be looking out for and was deliberately pretending to be the opposite. But fairly quickly his true colours showed, he couldn’t keep up the pretense.
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