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    • #90037
      Copperflame
      Participant

      I’ve only recently started to think about dating and relationships again after some years out of my abusive relationship, but the abuse has left me with severe trust issues and a recent disastrous date didn’t help matters.

      Anyway I’ve been chatting to this guy online for several weeks, it progressed to speaking on the phone and now he wants to meet me, except that he lives a very long way away.

      Now I’ve spotted what I think are a few red flags and wonder what you lovely ladies think.

      On the phone he tells me about situations where he gets very confrontational with people. It may not mean he’s an abuser, but confrontation isn’t a very healthy way of dealing with difficult situations. A red flag?

      Someone he knew was upsetting a family member and he punched the person in question and ended up being convicted of GBH. This to me is a big red flag because it shows that he is capable of using violence to resolve issues. I know men can be more physical than women, but nevertheless GBH is a serious charge and many of us on here know it’s a charge that’s difficult to stick, because it tends to get downgraded to ABH or battery – even if you’re lucky enough to have your abuser charged for anything in the first place.

      He wants to come to my area to visit me and says he’ll book accommodation. I’m having second thoughts and am feeling very anxious. So I messaged him and said I didn’t feel ready. Then I decided to tell him about my past; my abusive childhood and my two previous abusive relationships and the effect the abuse had on my mental health. He was put out that I hadn’t told him sooner, but why should I? It’s not something I want to discuss with someone I hardly know. I’ve attended a DV support group and the facilitators advised us all not to disclose the abuse until we’d got to know someone for a bit, because many abusers would see it as a green light to abuse you further.

      Now he’s going on about us being soulmates and wanting a long term relationship with me….Nooooooooo!!! He doesn’t seem to be respecting my wishes.

      Men!!

    • #90038
      Copperflame
      Participant

      Oh and he tells me he’s not violent but a cuddly softy, but it’s not only the physical violence is it? It’s all the psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual and financial stuff as well.

      Do I just block him?

    • #90039
      KIP.
      Participant

      You might want to break it gently to him. Something like you don’t think you’re both suited and wish him all the best. Does he know where you live or enough details to find you? I’m not trying to panic you, it’s easier just to block him if there’s no chance he can find you.
      The minute he mentioned GBH I’d be running for the hills. I used dating as a way to practice dealing with real life and spotting signs like this is a good way to slowly reintegrate x to build boundaries and spot abusive people.

    • #90047
      Copperflame
      Participant

      Hi KIP and thanks for replying.

      I agree entirely about the GBH. To be charged with GBH he must have inflicted a pretty serious injury. The CPS would not have made that charge unless there was solid evidence and a realistic change of getting a conviction. Yet he tells me he’s not violent?

      I had a message from him saying he’d had depression in the past, but he read a book and fought his way out of it. As if depression was something so trivial that it could be cured by reading a book. Really??

      I don’t like that he was annoyed with me for not telling him sooner. Surely that’s up to me to decide? There certainly wasn’t any attempt on his part to understand and sympathise with my experience.

      I haven’t dated in a while, so at the moment dating to me feels like standing on the water’s edge and tentatively dipping your toe in. Then becoming accustomed to the feel of the water before venturing in further. Yet he’s saying we’re soulmates and he wants a long term relationship with me without even having met me!! I’m afraid a long term relationship is like swimming the deep end, and I’m not even ready to swim yet (metaphorically, I can swim really!).

      Oh and he also said that he’s a strong man and that I need a tough man to see me through thick and thin, as if I was a weak and feeble woman – haha. I found myself chuckling at that 🙂

      He does know what town I live in but no more than that. I think I will let him down gently. I haven’t replied to his last message yet. Thanks again.

    • #90051
      Hopesprings
      Participant

      I think you should let him down gently, but don’t get pulled into any nonsense if he doesn’t take it well. Just block him.

    • #90053
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Enormous alarming red-flags dear; his violent behaviour, his conviction, his sense of entitlement of needing to know sooner of very private sensitive revelations about your past, his sudden acceleration as soon as you told him about your abusive past, wishes of committing to you a stranger without even having met you; he is clearly preying seeing you as his next potential victim.
      Stating he is cuddly softly when his violent actions and behaviour prove the exact opposite making him a big fat liar, already gaslighting you. Only ever believe his actions not his words.
      Verdict of his profile; he comes across as a physically violent perpetrator hunting for his next victim.

      To cut him off with certainty tell him your father and your three brothers are all working in the police force. And your ex’s are all in jail. That should put him off you. Or just block him indeed.
      Don’t share any more private information with him.
      Maybe report him to the organiser of the site? They surely do not wish any violent criminals on their dating site.
      Stay safe online.

    • #90054
      Fudgecake
      Participant

      This is definitely red flag territory.Run while you still can. Stay safe and give him no more personal information.I’d block him from any further contact too.

    • #90056
      queenmaeve
      Participant

      I agree with the other ladies, block him. There are a lot of genuinely nice men out there, this one sounds terrible x

    • #90068
      Copperflame
      Participant

      Thank you ladies. Well I rumbled him and he’s blocked me!!!

      I messaged him to explain that domestic abuse it isn’t just physical abuse, but psychological abuse as well; the yelling, the rages, the threats, the intimidation, the assaults on self-esteem, the breaking things, the smashing things, the name calling, the mind games, the messing with your head, the manipulation and the gaslighting etc, etc. This was what caused deep and lasting emotional wounds.

      I reminded him about his GBH conviction, pointing out that violence is a choice and there is no excuse for committing an offence no matter how angry you are.

      His response was to block me, so that says it all doesn’t it!!

      I feel so empowered! It’s thanks to all the support from WA, all you lovely ladies on here and all the other organisations I’ve had support from, that I’ve been able to recognise the red flags and early warning signs, as well as the hidden meaning behind what the abusers says.

      Love and light to you all 🙂 x*x

    • #90070
      Fudgecake
      Participant

      Well done 😊😊
      And like the true cowards they really are he shrivelled when you told him a few home truths.

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