red flags in my new dating experince

[Eyesopening]

Hi everyone, I hope you are all ok.
I wanted to write this, it may help others, I have had my first dating experince since leaving my long term abusive relationship. I knew it was too soon to date, but it just happened and I don’t have children yet so I do worry about not being able to have them. Children are a bit of a sore subject for me as I had abortion with my ex.. It’s something that does make me sad, especially when I see children…

I started writing this list, more and more things have been added now. I thought after all the reading, research, talking on here I would be fine out there.. But this guy was like the perfect guy on paper. Compared to my ex especially. He was an adult, he could look after himself, didn’t have addictions, had a career, was equal when it came to money/jobs. We had such intense sexual chemistry and he was so much more thoughtful and gentle. He never talked down about women, seemed kind and just generally normal! We had a great time and dated for a fair few months.

But the flags were there the whole time and the last few times I saw him he was a bit different. He ended it and to be honest, flags or no flags, I don’t think I could of walked away otherwise. I know I need to work on myself more. I realise now, my father, my first boyfriend and my long term relationship with my abuser are the only sorts of intimate relationships with men I am used to, so actually, I have never really had a healthy relationship with a man. But when I think about it, my relationships with my friends and siblings are healthy. So really, thats the kind of relationships I should be comparing romantic relationships too. If my friend wouldn’t do/say that, then it’s not ok.

If you read these and agree they are flags do let me know, as I did minimize them and I still do want validation, it’s something I have always needed and something I wish I could stop needing, that I need other people to confirm what I think is true in relationships particularly.

The Flags
• So he seemed obsessed with his ex and couldn’t stop thinking of her.
• I felt bad about myself, I thought I must be 2nd place, not so attractive or fun.
• he told me his ex said she was scared of him one time
• He had told his ex something mean, but didn’t mean it.
(detail removed by moderator)
(detail removed by moderator)
• Future faking? He kept talking about holidays and trips and festivals that we could do together, but kept changing his mind about where.. Or suddenly stop talking about it.
• Kept using the ‘we’ like we were together but he never committed to me.
• He seemed a bit immature, like if he wanted to do something, then he wanted to do it…
• Told him about my ex and it seemed that if it was physical or not was the main importance
• He seemed really interested in why people had broken up, he has not had a long term relationship.
• I think he was a serial dater
• The depression – when he would only talk about himself, I would say nice things to him and he would just ignore them or snap back at me. He would of enjoyed it because I was trying to say nice things about himself, so that attention was supply. I never got any compliment back.
• When he was depressed it was like all about him, all about getting sympathy, he was like a different, kind of angry person. When we had sex he was so confident though, like another person to his depressed state.
• He made me feel unattractive, (detail removed by moderator)
• He told me how he would never treat a women badly but (detail removed by moderator)
• He started dating immediately after his ex (needed new supply?)
• He called his mum names and said he did remember it. That he said sorry but can’t guarantee if won’t happen again.
• Once he complimented what I was wearing, I said, it’s not a (type of clothing) it’s a (type of clothing) and he thought this was such a strange thing for me to say..
• One time at his I wanted to go home because I was tired, he was a bit annoyed, and said how he wanted to do something, so I stayed.
• He would say nice things that made me believe we were a couple, he acted like my boyfriend, but then went cold for a bit, I thought it was his depression, then would warm up a bit again.
•I started to worry about his texts, where they going to be abrupt texts telling me something not so nice, like he didn’t want to be with me.
• The last couple times he was different, a bit more moody and quiet. Like the mask was falling off?
• He stopped asking me questions about myself, sometimes when I was talking he really was not listening
• He was obsessed with image, when he was depressed it was all about him not being good looking enough, he thought that good looking people have better lives. Better sex, better job and relationships.

Thanks if you got this far!!
Love to you all
x*x

[nbumblebee]

Firstly you are an incredable lady let me just say that.
To have been through so much and still go out into the world takes some balls lady and even if you dont feel like it you really do have balls. You are amazing.
Seriously ive said it b4 and i will say it again I wouldnt know a red flag if it hit me but reading your post Im worried for you.
He doesnt seem right for you.
Doesnt seem to me to be what you need right now.
The fact that you worry about his texts and if they are gonna be nice is a huge thing, im guessing this is early days right? Now im old and past it but I can still just about remember that old feeling when your boyf rang you those happy butterflies you felt the way they made you feel good smile the way they loved everything about you even if you didnt thats what I believe you should be looking for and this my friend is not it.
He has his own problems i get that alot do and im not saying you should stay away from anyone who has but i think for now this person may be looking for someone that you cant or shouldnt have to be you have got to put yourself first your needs your sanity that must be your first priority after what you have been through.
Maybe im wrong i mean i still have this vision that prince charming is gonna pick me up one day and sweep me away from all this maybe all we need to do is be our own heroes and save ourselves? So for what its worth to answer your question yes yes i agree with you with all my heart this was not a good relationship for you yes the warning signes are most definatly there.
Sending you a big old hug sweetie x

[Eyesopening]

Thanks my lovely, your post brought tears to my eyes, in a good way. I am grateful for your and all the womens support here on this forum.
Well, I didn’t say on my post but my feelings now are that I do no like him as he makes me feel bad, I was hurt when he ended it, but I am starting to see it was really a good thing that he did end it.
When I was seeing him I was blind, now I have more clarity.
I was wanting him to txt, wanting to txt him even. But some space and time to think has done me good.

If a man can affect me so much in a matter of months, seriously I cannot believe how much my many years abusive relationship must have affected me.. I think I do minimize the effects as people cannot understand and I pretend I am fine, it is only when I speak here or with therapist that I remember the magnitude of what has happened to me.

I just feel a bit hopeless now, I mean I went on one date and the guy happened to be a walking red flag.. Can I really attract a healthy man? Are healthy men out there. How do I stop attracting unhealthy men and falling for them.

Much love xx

[nbumblebee]

Im so glad you feel different I was worried.
With regards to why and how to stop it well By loving and trusting yourself I guess. By believing how amazing you are by radiating positivity courage self esteme and an “I wont be bullied by any man anymore” attitude.
These men if we have to call em that they pick out the hurt ones they see it in us even when we dont alsee it in ourselves what we need to do i guess is find a way to love ourselves thats the key in my view.
How OMG I have no clue I cant bare to look in the mirror but there must be a way sweetie you just gotta keep looking I guess.
You got this. I believe in you now time for you believe in you xxxxxx

[Anonymous]

Hi there I’ve recently ended a relationship of a few years with my ex . I picked up something were of with him immediately but I ignored it. He were dating while going through divorce.(detail removed by moderator) 1st date he wanted to pounce on me. Desperate. He knew about my past abuse and used this yo jus advantage. He said I were mental etc anyway I spoke to him ex she said it were like being married to a monster I saw red flags. But more recently since my sons passing he said I were screwed up and damaged it were all about him and his needs he still depends on his (detail removed my moderator). He’s a liar aswell but before I ended it he seemed to suddenly take a step back and stop the fighting which I found strange. He used to try bed hhs ex she told ne. But he made out he hated her. I totally messed with my mind x

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