Red flags! Will I ever be able to date again?

[Canon]

I’ve been giving online dating a go again. It’s been over (detail removed by moderator)yrs since I left an abusive relationship and I thought I was finally in a good place.

Haven’t been on a date yet but chatting to someone quite a bit. They mentioned early on about a relationship they had been in that was a ‘nightmare’ but that was in response to be asking how long they’ve been single. He didn’t go in to anymore detail than that but said he’s been on his own for x amount of years since then.
Today, we were chatting and the convo somehow went back to being about his ex. He said she was a ‘psycho’ and she rinsed him and left him with nothing.
I ignored that part and just replied the other part of the conversation skipping past the bit about his ex.

I know this can be a red flag – and it’s one that my ex used to do! He HATED all
His ex’s – and I mean really hated them, made himself out to be a victim when actually he was the perpetrator. Back then I didn’t know that was a sign (along with many others I didn’t know of then).
But now, I’m sat here thinking that realistically I can’t judge this guy on this one thing alone – or can I? It could be true – he may have been a victim and be telling the truth. But I don’t feel I can trust my judgement anymore after what happened last time and I’m left feeling anxious now.
If I was to carry on chatting and going on a date I would get a clare’s law check done and do a lot of digging before I let anything get serious – but what if there isn’t anything that can be found? What if he’s a complete a**le but I don’t see it until it’s too late again like last time?

[queenmaeve]

My personal experience is that this is definitely a red flag. If I dated a man or got talking online and all he did was slate his ex then I would run a mile. I ended up being stalked by a man who I dated, I got so worn down and tired of listening to him berate his ex-wife so I ended it, he would not accept it and hounded me for months. Thank God for Clare’s law.

[SunshineRainflower]

Yes it’s a red flag when they say that about their exes. Even if their exes were horrible, a good man would keep that to himself and only maybe let you know later on that it was a toxic relationship. A lovely lady here called Serenity wrote up a great list of red flags here a while ago and I was just looking at it myself tonight so I’ll post it here. I think this is my edited version where I added extra red flags my ex had, but it was amazing to see that my ex was so similar to Serenity’s ex and so many other exes of women on here. It’s very handy how they all behave in a similar way for us to start to see the patterns of behaviour. Here is Serenity’s list with some of my edits:

– Love-bombing
– Mirroring you – they apparently share lots of similar hobbies, interests and goals (they find out what you are looking for and pretend to be your ideal man)
– Pushing you to commit too early
– Declaring you are his soul-mate before time or joint experiences have really proved this ( making you feel you were destined for him – almost like you don’t have a choice)
– Pushing sexual intimacy before you feel ready/ like you have no choice (‘possessing’ you makes you then feel he owns you)
– Questionable sense of humour/ disrespectful or distasteful or cruel jokes at others’ expense
– Victim vocabulary: how hard he’s had it, how bad everyone is, how all his exes mistreated him and didn’t appreciate him
– Meanness with money but expecting you to pay
– Too much contact throughout day – like he’s keeping tabs on you or doesn’t want you to not think about him
– Suggestion of strict gender roles (women should do the housework, cleaning, follow the man’s lead etc)
– Sob stories about his life which seem a bit dramatic to be true
– Never apologising, or insincere apologies
– Evidence of lying
– History of losing jobs/ getting chucked out of establishments – either for bad behaviour or lack of staying power
– How he treats those who can’t do anything for him specifically
– How he treats the weak and vulnerable
– How he treats your family and friends
– How much support he is in situations requiring empathy
– How interested he is in your thoughts, preferences or views – or are you just there to agree with and reflect him
and be his adoring audience
– Frequent put-downs – including those which he disguises as a joke – especially at times you feel confident or are looking good
– He starts arguments just when you need to go out without him/ do something important which doesn’t involve him
– Ridiculing of your beliefs and values
– Praising you just for what you ‘do’ for him – not who you are as a separate individual
– Jealousy
– Treatment of animals – too forceful/ neglectful/ cruel
– Attitude to children – too forceful and authoritarian, punitive, kids are there to make parent look good/ do not gongs for parent and he begrudges doing things for children
– The world owes him a living attitude
– Demanding sex / getting annoyed when you say no
– Withholding sex or affection as a punishment
– A punitive mind (he believes in punishing people)
– Temper flare-ups – especially if cyclical ( such as monthly)
– Wanting to take control of money early on – or wanting you to whilst he sits on his laurels ( it should be a joint thing)
– Weak morals – saying lying or stealing is excusable, etc.
– A liking for violent films and video games
– Minimising men’s guilt when talking about the abuse of women
– His culture and family background: is it chauvinistic? Who are his role models? Who does he look up to?
– What kind of friends he keeps
– Who he looks up to
– Who he aspires to be
– Sleazy attitude towards women (often hidden initially as he pretends to be a gentleman)
– Seems to value you only for your looks and what you can do for him (disinterested in who you are as a person, you values, skills hobbies etc unless they benefit him in some way)
– Shallow
– Wanting things done his way all the time
– Damaging your relationships with your friends and family, isolating you
– Lack of gratitude towards you / ignoring important occasions/ ruining important occasions
– Not liking the word ‘No.’
– Saying ‘I deserve.’
– Immature and childish
– Flashy car (I’m sure not all nice car owners are abusers but it does seem common for abusers to have cars like this)
– Not allowing you space and time to get on with your work/ own projects
– Using fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) to get you to do what he wants, rather than have an open and fair discussion.

[Author]

Posts