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    • #145123
      Wanttobeaflower
      Participant

      Hi,

      I’m in a bad way, to the point I’ve never felt such broke empty lost in my life. I’m (detail removed by moderator), (detail removed by moderator) on and off with a man who if I had a problem and speak up, he would start a massive fight block me and end it. Then I would try and pick myself up and he would come back amazingly and tell me he’s ready to commit and it would be great for a month, and it would start up again, lying, blaming me. He kept going back to his Ex at the same time but lied about it. Would tell me he hated her and call her such bad names.
      In the beginning he was amazing now I look back it was way too good to be true. Each time he’s ended it with me as soon as I would start to feel better, he would pull me back crying begging me telling me it was me he wanted. One sob story after another.
      He went from complementing me to giving me back handed compliments all the things he said I was amazing in they beginning he now says I’m rubbish. Put downs and lies and mocking and belittling me in front of friends. But also bragging about me. I’m so confused with it all. My head and heart are broken I constantly think of him. I can’t get him out of my mind. He dumped me over text on (detail removed by moderator), after I begged and begged I just blocked him and haven’t heard from him since. (detail removed by moderator) he liked a post on my LinkedIn page which he has never done. And unblocked me. They mind games are awful. He said he loves me so much but why does he treat me like this. I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I suffer with bad anxiety at the best of times now it’s through the roof.

      I wasn’t perfect I’m overly insecure more than I have ever been but it’s they lie.

      If he didn’t want me, why didn’t he just leave me alone, I don’t know if this is abuse, I’ve never dealt with anything like this before.

      I don’t know what I need today I just guess I wanted to write it down and if anyone else has been in a similar situation how you broke free.

      Sorry for the long rant.

    • #145124
      Wanttobeaflower
      Participant

      i also have to work with him 🙁

    • #145126
      pris
      Participant

      I’m so sorry youre going through this lovely. I identify with so much of this. The emotional rollercoaster leaves you feeling so disabled doesnt it? Being treated terribly and never having space to express your needs/pull him up for being cruel. The reason I’m replying is that I completely understand the turmoil and the horrendous desire/need for his good side but on this occassion im on the outside looking in and objectively i can see that you do not deserve this. its hugely damaging and youve given the relationship your best shot. hes done you a favour by ending things and if you have the strength to envision a reality in which you are encouraged and supported rather than criticised and betrayed, life will feel completely different. you just have to weather this horrible mourning period. i completely understand if you arent ready. i recently fell back in and i regret it. i just want to send love and tell you that the cognitive dissonance youre experiencing is exactly what he needs to keep you hooked and make sure he gets away with this poor treatment. its toxic. you deserve better x

      • #145131
        Wanttobeaflower
        Participant

        thank you for you reply it means so much PRIS

        i’ve took a couple of weeks of work to get away from him and i’ve managed (detail removed by moderator) so far.

        i’m so use to him pulling me back i’m afraid he doesn’t this time and it will feel like even more rejection if that makes sense.

        i dont want it any more but i do, i want all the promises he made me but i know hes not good. im so lost hurt and confused.

    • #145133
      pris
      Participant

      Oh lovely, I completely understand. It’s like an addiction. I think the thing to remember is that being soothed and comforted by his return will soon be extinguished by even worse treatment-it’s a temporary fix. It doesn’t get better. And from personal experience taking them back gives them permission to repeat this bahaviour- im in the depths of this now and can’t believe how bad it’s become. It’s also probably why his ex takes him back-the comfort and longing and promises for better. These guys always have evil psycho exes but it’s often the case that they’re just women who have gone through what you’re going through and are being disrespected and misrepresented. Sounds like having a couple of weeks to yourself is a great idea. I think perspective and reminding yourself you can have a really great time without them will really help. i hope youre able to hold on but we are all here for you either wayxx

    • #145134
      CuriousB
      Participant

      Hello and welcome to the forum,

      I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. What you’re experiencing is absolutely emotional abuse. You could literally be talking about my recent ex (to the point where I’m wondering if it’s the same guy! depressingly I’m sure it’s just that this a very common experience)… I was “the awful ex” in this dynamic – where he would see other people when we’d break up and tell them horrible things about me to gain their sympathies and tell sob stories I’m sure. He would then do what you’re describing pulling me back in crying begging me telling me it was me he wanted. It’s a crazy making cycle and so easy to fall back into when you’re emotionally invested or want to believe what they’re saying. Red flags were all over the place as the other women would be messaging him begging him to (detail removed by moderator) (which tells me he was lying to both me and them about how invested he was to them and me). In retrospect I think he also told me about all of this (Which is mad in itself) to evoke jealousy and I’m sure he probably did the same with them.

      The blowing hot and cold in this situation you’re describing is a way to maintain control over you and feed off your emotional reactions (When things are good – for positive attention from you and when provoking you to the point you’re begging – for negative attention). Both feed his ego and will tell him “he’s special/wanted/important”.

      It might answer your question “If he didn’t want me, why didn’t he just leave me alone?” – I had the exact same question… I’ve come to accept this has been about him needing others to regulate his self-esteem and it’s helped me offload some of the responsibility I was feeling (I know it doesn’t make it less painful).

      It’s heartbreaking and demoralising to be treated the way you have been and I’m so sorry. I sense even when things are good – he may not be treating you with much respect? To have someone Bragging about you – also is about boosting their ego. The mind games when he’s ready to come back don’t respect what you need liking posts on your linkedin after blocking you? It sounds like he’s doing a lot to mess with you/gain your attention when he’s needing a boost.

      It sounds like you’re in a really horrible place with it right now and I’m not surprised all you can think about is him. It’s so disorienting and confusing to be pulled in every direction by someone who you were invested in and care about. You deserve so much better and I hope even just by writing it out here – it’s a huge step to recognise what you’re experiencing. It took me a long time to accept what I was experiencing was abuse – I stayed on and off for four years and it only got worse. You will find your way and figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself.

      Unfortunately No happy endings come of relationships like you’re describing – I found when I persisted in trying to make things work when he kept coming back meant; I couldn’t trust him, I always felt the relationship could be over any minute, I never felt good enough (He also never thought I was good enough either). M self worth was rock bottom and anxiety through the roof. No one deserves that kind of treatment. The person he showed you at the beginning isn’t who he is by the sounds of what you’ve written.

      I consider myself “lucky” (for the lack of a better word) to stumble across (detail removed by moderator) which outlined how he felt very clearly about me and the other women he’d been seeing (embarrassingly most of it was (detail removed by moderator)). It confirmed what I suspected about his egomania and shallow, self-centred view of others and how little he truly cared. If I could advise anyone in your position (Not that you’re asking for it) – Don’t wait to have your suspicions confirmed in an even more painful way. Your gut is telling you everything you need to know and I would bet a lot of money it’s not wrong.

      Keep posting and sending hugs x

      Ps I hope I haven’t projected too much into your situation. It just sounds so identical to my experience and wanted to reply let you know – everything is OK once you leave and it does get better. I have my head space back, my peace and I’m reconnecting with the things and people who are important to me and it’s like I can breathe again. You deserve this too x

    • #145357
      Camel
      Participant

      Remember the first time you had a big row over something ridiculous, or he said something cruel, or started with the cold-hot-cold/silent/sulky/angry treatment, or accused you of flirting/cheating, or said you were crazy/emotional, or embarrassed you in public (or whatever)?

      I remember all of these and wonder why I thought I had to work at it, make things right, keep arguing/discussing and trying to ‘understand’ him.

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