- This topic has 29 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Today’s been a big one. I’ve been offered and accepted refuge. And I’ve called the police. They said they want to meet me to discuss it and now I’m extremely anxious he will find out before I leave.
I’ve said it’s not physical and I don’t want the kids to know anything about the police, more of making a record as my gp advised.
I’m a nervous wreck and have to pack and get things to a secret place to collect on the day all without him knowing.
I’m extremely nervous and feel stupidly guilty -
-
I told my lo that we were going on a little holiday. Being in the refuge helped because she was around other children in the same situation.
-
-
Please don’t feel guilty. We go through an awful lot before we are ready to call for help. You are being really brave!
-
-
Theydeservethebest, just keep telling yourself your children deserve the best you can do for them in this situation And you too. Don’t feel guilty! And don’t worry about anyone else! He will come to realise you have left, and know why deep down. That’s his problem not yours. Wishing you and your children the very best 💕
-
If you are willing to go to Refuge then please speak to the Police after you have left your home. They will log and act on the abuse you report to them and may still arrest him, but also, they will know you are ‘safe and well’ should your ex report you as ‘missing’. They will not disclose to him where you are but can tell him they will not be doing a missing person investigation.
Do not explain anything to your children at the moment. Your actions are to keep them safe from being victims of abuse themselves. Even though they may not be physically harmed, they are being emotionally and mentally harmed. They are not witnesses, they are victims too, and live with the fear of not knowing what to do to stop it or how to help.
I stayed with my abuser because I told myself that my son needed to grow up with a father, that if I left I was denying my son of a father, I felt some shame about being a single parent and that I’d failed in some way, but I could see the damage I was doing to my son by staying so I left when he was a young toddler. He has since told me that one of his first childhood memories is of his dad hitting me. I still feel guilty about that.
Over the years I have gained knowledge and strength to want to work with victims of abuse. My son, who is now a young adult, has helped with this and has written some articles on how things impacted him as a child. I had no idea what he would write, but one of his paragraphs stood out to me and it was this:
“Although it’s not exactly orthodox, I do still have a relationship with my father and see him. My mum has never tried to prevent me from having contact with my Dad and he rings me every week. Each situation is different, and I couldn’t even begin to tell you which decision would be right for you and your child. What I do know is that whatever decision you make, your child will come to accept it and can still lead a normal, happy life. Whether my mum made the right choice or not, I’ll never know, but I trust her and I trust her instinct and so far, I’ve done alright.”
Since writing that, he has now severed ties with his dad due to continued controlling behaviour towards him.
I know now that I did the right thing by leaving my abuser when my child was a toddler. Do not doubt the reasons why you are wanting to leave your abuser too. Follow your instincts, do not feel guilty.
Good luck x
-
@theydeservethebest well done, its the first step to freedom and peace. You’re very strong and will continue to be for your children, and you, it will be ok, it will be, don’t worry. I am proud of you. I don’t know what you do in terms of letting him know. Hopefully someone here can shed light. Could you contact your local domestic abuse service and ask them maybe? Sending you lots of strength for the next days and weeks. Remember to take passports and bank details, anything else you might need in terms of solicitors and moving forward, I don’t know what your plans are in terms of accommodation, you’ll need ID etc. Someone told me to take something comforting for me as well as the children, don’t forget you. Don’t feel guilty. Please don’t. Natural because you are probably a nice person. But what you have been put through probably isn’t nice, which is why you are where you are now. Remember that. No guilt. Just pride and faith in yourself. xx
-
Anxiety kicking in really badly now, I can’t stay but I’m extremely nervous. I haven’t eaten in a couple of days through worrying. Still got a few things to do and of course he’s being nice now so I feel really bad. I’m scared
-
-
-
@Theydeservethebest please eat hun! Hot buttered toast, cheese, chocolate, cereal with cold cold milk…whatever is your favourite, please give your mind, body and soul some energy. It’ll help you sleep and help you get through this. And drink lots of water. Haha sorry I sound like a nagging mum. Sending strength. You’ll get through this. Anything you need to “talk” about, we’re all here, rooting for you. Xx
-
Thankyou. I’ve actually had a takeaway because I have no idea when I will again and I have a headache probably from sugars being off.
I’m so sleepy but don’t want to sleep because then the big morning will arrive and I will be very very tense.
On a side note, the police man that came today was possibly the most handsome man in the world 😏so that was nice.
I will breathe relief when we are on the road. Kind of. This time tomorrow I hope to be lying down peacefully with my kids fast asleep in bed.
I’m going between elation and despair every five minutes, guilt then pride.
I’m avoiding interacting with him as much as possible because I do feel bad.
Thank you for the support -
Thinking of you today @Theydeservethebest – hoping its going ok. How come you had the police come yesterday, does that mean he knows what is happening? I hope you’re safe and hope you get the same police man escorting you out? Maybe you could ask for that one!!! Fingers crossed its all ok. Nearly there. Well done. xx
-
-
Thank you all. We are here. One of my kids is asking to go home ☹️
No, he had no idea. I have informed him though as I can’t be cruel. But then blocked
This is very hard isnt it-
Hello and morning to you theydeservethebest. I Just read your post and I am very relieved for you now that you are out and safely on your journey into your new life. Everyday now is a day away from the old and into the new, so I wish for you and your children days that are calm and comforted by peace and acceptance, love for each other and hope for the future. Joy and much happiness be yours or follow soon. That maybe feeling a long way off to you now, but, it’s waiting for you…Just a little further on and around the corner. Lots of good things are coming your way, they’re just yet to be discovered. Time will reveal and time will heal, lots of love to you all x
-
-
That’s amazing, well done, I know just how hard it is to accept that refuge is the safest place you can be for now. I remember when I was in my darkest place I felt I had two choices; suicide or refuge. I am so glad now that refuge was the choice I made.
I hope you start to sleep well again over the next few nights and re-energise. You will have the help and support of professionals now to guide you through the next stage.
Please don’t worry about your children not being at ‘home’. Home is where you are, it is not a particular building. If you’d left without your children they would not be happy without you – you are the calm and stable influence, they may be out of sorts for a while in unfamiliar surroundings, but as long as they have you they will get through this too. Just focus on your end goal – to live free from abuse and fear.
I wish you all the very best x
-
I imagine it is really hard. It’s the beginning of something new. You’re probably exhausted. I hope you can get some sleep and kids feel settled once they get to know their new surroundings. Can you locate something that they like and visit first thing tomorrow? Not sure of ages..trains, buses, ice cream, newsagent for magazines. Distract them with positive good feelings for things that make them happy. And you too. All you have to do tomorrow, and the next few days, is be, and think, and just take a breath and breathe. (I dont know how to do the emojis on here so imagine a bunch of your favourite flowers instead)
-
Theydeservethebest
I love your username and you just took an enormous step to achieving that. I was so pleased/relieved to read that you got there ok.
You’ve support now but if you need to talk, keep sharing with us if you want to. You get folk like me who are up at these silly hours and can chat!
I’m wishing you all the very best, you deserve it.
Soulsearcher18xx -
-
Sorry I haven’t been ignoring the kind replies I’m just trying to be off of my phone and focus on the kids.
I’ll be honest this is very very hard and I’m struggling.
But it seems we can return to our home just us quite soon, obviously I won’t be specific. But if I start to have doubts I’ll ditch that.
I’m semi hopeful.
Heartbreak is kicking in now as well as ridiculous as that is xx -
-
Hello Theydeservethebest 💕 don’t apologise for being busy focusing on what’s important now, your children and you. We can all imagine /understand what it must be like and feel like for you all at the moment. It’s unexpected but hopeful news that you may be able to go home soon then, Is it? I guess that will feel like mixed blessings maybe? If your hopeful? Exciting For the children if they have been told? but worrying for you eh? Especially as the place will not feel the same you may be thinking? Their daddy won’t be there, if that’s what they may be expecting? hoping for? Is that what your worrying about for your children initially? I also understand that your homecoming will be met with many trials that you feel you must face, if you decide on that option? Do you have any other options possibly? Any alternative home in the offering? So you are all able to start anew? Without all the fears you could be concerned about? I imagine that re adjusting to reality as it is now, is very difficult and does feel very upsetting to you, to you all! Understandably! That doesn’t sound at all rediculous. We are here for you when you need remember 💞
-
-
And…try not to worry too much about explaining to the kids if that’s possible? Kids are very good at adapting, given time. Dependant on their ages? Simple explanation backed up by lots of reassurance is a start. Hopefully the refuge staff can support you with this too? Expect tears… but It’s going to be o.k you’ll see💞
-
Hi all. I told the children and they took it well. We have been home a couple of days. So far all calm. I’ve been promised a lot but already had slight anger when I wouldn’t back down over things. True colours didn’t stay hidden even a day.
I’m ok, highly anxious when I wake up and that lasts a few hours. But by afternoon I’m usually happier. Not having to check my phone and be worrying all the time is taking a bit of getting used to -
-
Hi @Theydeservethebest I’ve been thinking of you and how you’re doing. That is good you’re home. Do you mean he is there too – in terms of the anger you mention? Yes, when we’re used to being on high alert the whole time it is really hard when we don’t have to be anymore. I think its probably the cortisol in the body. I’m not an expert but could you research ptsd, Im thinking its probably a form of that. Can you up exercise to try and counteract it with an extra serotonin kick or maybe GP to talk through other options. Sending you strength, wow, well done, you’re an inspiration. Just out of interest did you apply for an Occupation Order? And I can’t remember, did something physical happen or did you just reach your enough is enough moment? Its ok if you’re not comfortable in answering. xx
-
No it’s just us in the house. I haven’t gone for an occupation order yet, I think once he knew we were in refuge it put the wind up him. He’s been reasonable about things so far. He’s getting irritated that I’m not doing what he wants but I can see that’s because he’s lost his power. He knows people know.
I think I will see a doctor if I can as I’m finding things tricky however putting on a reasonable show for the kids.
He wasn’t violent yet but getting closer and closer at the end.
And I’m still sad because of the break up, I know how silly that is but I know it will pass eventually. I really appreciate all the posts Thankyou xx
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
