Refusing to be intimate

[Catjam]

For a few months I have been telling him I am unhappy with our situation. He promised to contact a local group for help, he rang twice but never again.
His doctor gave him a number to ring, again he rang once but didn’t go further. If I ask how this is progressing he gets defensive and a lecture on how he has changed and it’s not his fault he can’t get help.
Anyway for the past few weeks I’ve said I don’t feel comfortable or ready to be intimate with him. I tried sleeping in a separate room but he just follows me and won’t let me sleep till I go back to his bed.
But I now worry I am being unfair. To me nothing has changed, he thinks he has. He is less angry but if I challenge him on something I am unhappy with he gets defensive.
I suffered a bereavement recently and every so often I get upset, the other day he said he was sorry when I get upset. When I asked what he was sorry for, it was because he couldn’t comfort me. Not because of the grief or my loss but he couldn’t touch me. Btw I haven’t said he can’t touch me just that I don’t want sex. He can’t see the difference.
It’s actually in the freedom programme, that he should be able to be affectionate without expecting sex but I know if I do go to him for a hug or comfort he will expect sex. He thinks I am refusing to have sex because it will show weakness on my part but I need to feel safe or comfortable with him.
Am I going about this wrong?

[KIP.]

No youre not going about this wrongly if it was a rational caring person you were dealing with, you’re not wrong but he will never change. He simply doesn’t care about you and your feelings and it’s hard to accept this but life gets easier when you understand. His life is about him and what he can get from you. His belief that it will show weakness just shows you where his thought process is at. For abusers it about always being top dog and getting their own way. The fact he is trampling over your boundaries and completely ignoring your requests also shows he has no intention of supporting you. He will bully, manipulate, emotionally blackmail and gaslight you until he gets his own way. Leaving you depressed and hurt while he has a big smile on his face. You’re relationship isn’t equal and probably never has been. Do not look to him for your self worth and validation because he’s just not capable of giving it to you in a meaningful way.

[fizzylem]

Affection. Sex. Quite simple two different things. Comfort. There’s another one. Most people get this. Sounds like he thinks he’s putting in some effort and has changed enough, whereas for you this was the starting point and there’s a long way to go yet, there are a number of things that would need to change before you would feel you want to be intimate with him again; feeling safe and secure would be paramount, as you know you couldn’t be intimate without feeling this, and you also know this would take time, incident free time where you’ve both managed to overcome some bumps together and this was ok.

[Catjam]

Thanks. Slept badly because he kept putting his arm on my hip. I know it’s such a small thing but I didn’t want him to think it was ok so kept moving away. Typical because I start my new college course tonight and I feel exhausted now.

[Author]

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