relationships… good?

[teatime]

I have no idea what a god relationship would be like…. I have only had very awful ones and because they were awful, very few.
I am kind of middle aged now and I feel absolutely cheated.
Not only did these men hurt and betray me, they have made me feel I do not know what to look for.
So I don’t look, I just wonder.
I have gone from being a jolly person to a very sad one to be honest.I was with a man for a bit who was ill and passed away. When I look back even he was using me to help him.
I just wonder… a lot.
I wish I had been married for someone lovely all my life but is too late for that now.

[teatime]

I meant good relationship- cannot type very well today cos my fibro is bad

[Borntobefree]

Hi teatime
I can relate to your post .I my self seem to have attracted these monsters in my relationships.. I’ve been hurt .used emotionally abused .I don’t know what it feels like either to be loved properly… Iam busy loving me now .and working my self esteem after he destroyed me

Chin up hun and big hugs .. love yourself X

[Serenity]

Hi Tea Time,

I had one lovely relationship. I ended it because I was young, but also because I think I felt uncomfortable being treated well. It’s taken me all these years to see that I should be treated well.

But I will use him as an example of a good relationship:

– He was very kind and caring- not just to me, but everyone ( his own family, and mine) but he stood up to his bully of a father in order to protect his mum and sister ( so he has moral courage)

– He was gentle

-He was honest

– He knew when to take responsibility and apologise ( though he didn’t need to apologise much for anything!)

– He allowed me space to do my thing

– He was polite and courteous

– He respected the fact I had choices and didn’t try to make me do things just his way; he knew how to compromise

– He was sensitive; he wasn’t ashamed of having emotions and feeling vulnerable at times; he didn’t have to wield power over anyone

– He believed in the equality of the sexes

All of the above seems like it was another world, like it happened to someone else. It’s hard to believe I once had such a lovely partner. And he was lovely: everyone, even his ex girlfriends thought so!

It seems alien to me in a way. I was with my husband for so long, gradually worn down, put down daily and mocked. On the other hand, I now realise what damage putting up with abuse can do- that you can’t just submit to it and come out unscathed. So maybe now I would be in a good place for a healthy relationship.

One thing about the healthy type of relationship- as I have mentioned above- is the healthy partner allowing you space to be you- to develop your ambitions and fulfil some of your dreams. They don’t see your whole reason for being and being to pander to them and to be used for their own purposes.

So maybe this is where one needs to start. To learn to refocus upon oneself as an individual. It’s hard, as we had our thoughts and ideas degraded for so long. But we need to refocus on and believe in who we are- what makes us who we are, what our values and priorities are, what makes us feel happy. If we meet domeone aling the way who fits with this, all well and good. But the priority is never sacrificing ourselves again. We can be giving without losing ourselves- by giving to the right people.

I know abuse leads to loss of self-esteem. But every day is a new beginning to at least some extent, and we are worthwhile human beings- no less important than the next person.

[teatime]

Thank you, lovely replies xx

[teatime]

Serenity ‘ On the other hand, I now realise what damage putting up with abuse can do- that you can’t just submit to it and come out unscathed. ‘ This is the worst part… I never realised how even much later I would have bad dreams etc. The first time it was not my fault but the second time I stayed too long and I could have easily left.

[Author]

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