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    • #41527
      Butterflyme
      Participant

      I couldn’t sleep last night and found myself up at 3.30am crying and shaking. Going over and over all the abuse, in my head. I just want to be free of this pain & anxiety but it feels like as much as I try to forget I’m constantly reminded. Watching the rape scenes in emmerdale has really brought up some demons I thought I had buried. I feel so alone and I’m ashamed of how long I let it go on for and for not having the strength to get help sooner. I have a therapist but I even feel uncomfortable talking to him about it. There are just some things that are too horrific for me to say out loud. But by not saying them I feel trapped, like I’m colluding with ‘him’ and continuing to keep his secrets. I just want to be free of this.

    • #41530
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi HUn

      Is your counsellor a spealisit in domestic violence, i find if they are they really understand, i had two frmale one and got loads of support, i even used a guy just for one session as couldnt afford, but he really understood from my presepective . I find certain programs or scences can have massive triggers for us . I think process things slowly, i found i had so much i wanted to talk about and get out, in the end i used to make a list of things we would cover in my session and found for me the biggest issue i had was coping with how i felt when he tried to kill me, maybe for u the rape is something u need to discuss in detail, it will be upsetting, i must of spent a good few months just talking about the night he tried to kill me , just to process it all , seek whattever support is available, i found going to groups helped, a lot of confidence groups andf freedom courses help u hear and chat with other ladies who have been through similar experience

    • #41595

      Oh Butterfly, I second everything that Confused said <3

      I’ve just started therapy with someone who specialises in serious crimes, and I’m starting to talk about what my ex did to me. Like you, I’ve never gone into the rapes. Only twice – once with the police and once when (detail removed by Moderator), and so now I’m trying to talk to the therapist about it all. It is tough. Especially to actually say what happened.
      Could you request to see a different therapist? Would that help?
      xx

    • #41596
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey there, keep posting on here to get thing out of your head or I found keeping a journal helpful. Writing it onto paper helped get it out of my head. I was told that therapy was going to be like an operation. It’s going to be painful and open wounds but then you will be put back together correctly. It will be very painful initially and then as your wounds heal and you become stronger, you will be in a much better place. I have to say it’s true for me. I still have triggers but I find I bounce back quicker and the trauma is not so deep. So keep going. Never ever blame yourself. I was with my abuser for decades and he made me believe it was all my fault. All that time I thought I caused his angry violent outbursts. I took the blame and he thrived on that. Not any more. It’s all his shame. Never ever blame the victim. Too many others are quick to do that. Stay strong and keep going. You will get there in the endđź‘Ť. PS be gentle and kind to yourself 🌷🌷🌷🌷

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