Reporting to police

[Shazza]

Hi all, hope you are all OK this morning.

I need some guidance. I was assaulted recently by my ex. Up until now I have never wanted to report him. I don’t know why, I think it’s all to do with fear and worrying about him.
However after this latest incident something in me wants to take that step. But I’m still petrified. I’m so scared of how he will react, I’m scared of how it will effect him which is totally ridiculous of me really. I’m also really worried that I will report it and they won’t take me seriously.
Does anyone have any advice relating to this? Maybe I have already left it too late I’m not sure. I’m just worried it will he my word against his, then I wonder what the point is.
Also, how on earth can I stop worrying about how things will effect him? He has shown over and over again that he has no care for me. Why do I worry about him and how he will cope with things. Its like he always takes priority in my decisions even though I’m not with him as I worry how he will manage and end up feeling like a horrible person for daring to even think about what will benefit me.
I feel really on my own at the moment, I just feel like I need hand holding all the time right now which is silly really as people have their own lives to lead. I know I need to deal with this myself, I’m just very worried that I am not strong enough.
Any words of advice/encouragement would be wonderful right now.
Take care everyone xx

[Tenerifeseaoth]

Hi,

I am in the exact same position as you right now and am feeling the same emotions. I had a conversation with some support (professional) recently and they explained the feelings of caring for him still even after everything he has done is called a trauma bond and it will get easier as the distant stays.

I was terrified when I reported it that I wouldn’t be believed (still feel that way) and it would be is word against mine but at the end of the day, you know what happened and if you believe it was wrong, it was. The police are there to protect you and you reporting it is the first step to you moving forward and healing.

The next few weeks/months will be the hardest and scariest but please stick with it. You don’t need to deal with this alone, support is around (here). Do you have a good support system in place around you in general?

Please take care and reach out, talking through it and knowing you aren’t alone, helps. xx

[Shazza]

I did wonder if it might be related to trauma bonding but I cant seem to separate out in my head whether it is that which causes me to have care towards him, or whether I would feel like that without trauma bonding.
I also have a real fear of other people knowing the extent of what happens, I don’t really know why.

I have a couple of close friends who are very supportive, only one knows the full extent of what’s been going on. I don’t always feel like it’s ok though to talk about what’s happened too much as I always worry that its not fair of me. I’m my own worst enemy I think as then I don’t hear from anyone and I end up feeling more alone 🙈 I think I grew up having to get on with things by myself and end up feeling like I need to do that now. But it’s a very lonely place to be, worrying that it’s too much for others to have to deal with x

[Tenerifeseaoth]

It will be very up and down for a while but trust that it will be ok. That trauma bond is hard to live without (I get it, and it’s an overwhelming feeling), but keep telling yourself you are doing what is right for YOU and also ask yourself if the things he has done are ok? You deserve better. The fear of other people knowing the full extent of everything is confusing but normal I think. It’s hard to explain why you feel that way but those around you who are your support system will listen to you, it might help to talk.

But we are Support over message if you need to talk also, talking to people who understand might help ease the weight.

Sending hugs and hoping you are doing ok xx

[Lazarus17]

Hi Shazza. Actually, you do need a hand to hold right now. If you have someone to talk to irl, great, but if not, then here you can get a virtual hand to hold 😊

It’s soooooo f***ing scary to make that decision. It’s a bit like a leap off a cliff. But you seem to know that you are not his priority, even if you make him yours.

It’s time to make YOU your priority. It is scary – but you are stronger than you think. If you can handle an abusive relationship, you can handle this!

*virtual hugs and hand holding* 😊

[Shazza]

Thank you Lazarus17, I appreciate the virtual handhold 😊
I know you are right, I think I’ve made him a priority for so long it feels alien not to do that now x

[Eggshells]

This is a really difficult time for uou Shazza and needing comfort and support is totally normal. You are totally normal. Totally normal people do feel concern for those they love or have loved. Sadly, we can’t just switch those caring feelings off.

If you don’t already have an IDVA now might be a good time to contact your local dv charity. A good outreach worker can be a real comfort.

We can’t help you make a decision about whether to report I’m afraid but you’ve been around the forum for long enough yo know that virtual support is here whatever happens next xx

[Hazydayz]

As always Eggshells you give very good advice, just one question…What is an IDVA? I’ve seen IDVA mentioned many times in this place but still not sure? Is it an independent… something or other?

[Shazza]

Thank you Eggshells. That makes sense, no matter what’s happened it isn’t easy to turn those feelings of care off.
What is an IDVA? I’ve mostly been going this alone to be honest, I am not very good at reaching out which is why it is so helpful to post x

[Hazydayz]

Hello Shazza, I’m sorry to read what your going through and hold out my hand to you virtually. I hope it helps and along with helping you feel your not alone, that others are here for you. In reply to your question is it too late? I don’t believe it’s ever too late. What your ex did to you was wrong and he should be made accountable. So that he learns he cannot do it again, treat you that way. I understand that you are afraid and it seems that that your hurting inside, is it because you can’t accept he would do this to you? If he loved you? I think that you still love him maybe? As you seem to not want him to get into any trouble for what he did has done to you? But ask yourself…should you worry about him? or you. Look after yourself lovelie x

[Shazza]

Thank you Hazydayz.
No, I don’t think my feelings towards him are love. It’s really confusing in my head as the thought of him now repulseds me at times and yet you are right, I still dont want him to feel hurt in anyway. If I think of doing something which could cause him inconvenience or trouble at all my brain just says nope can’t do that as will feel immense guilt. It is very confusing. Xx

[Hazydayz]

Morning Shazza. I understand better now what Your saying and from what you said right there at the top of this thread in your reply to Tenerifeseaoath…you feel it’s unfair to burden friends/people and fear being alone if you do, you think you grew up having to sort things alone and it’s a lonely place to be….I totally get that Shazza if I’m reading your situation correctly? I too, have the same background and it has left a scar on me too. I throughout my troubles, my life, have often felt very needy of friends around me to advise me/tell me what they think? Make me feel better! As I had no close family to turn to for support. It’s ok Shazza. I also can understand your not wanting to tell too much. Maybe because it makes you feel vulnerable? I used to feel like that. I think I was balancing my friends being my replacement for family? If that makes sense to you? I had to face not having both! My friends had the closeness of their families and I often struggled with feeling ashamed of having no family to turn to at those times I needed people most. I think all if what you described I felt too! Still do! Somewhat? But I think if it this way…Neglect in childhood… (though unintentionally! My single parent mum was struggling alone with no support and with (detail removed by Moderator) of us and following losing a child too. For which she had no support!)… Causes adults issues! it’s because of feeling afraid when we were very young and having no support! that’s maybe? what is the cause. I’m certain in my case!. Its a big deal to grow up and feel your not secure/ cared for and so worry will impact! from that feeling in our early years development. We need to feel cared for, loved and secure, important to our parents/ care givers. It’s how we develop healthy life coping skills, learning positive enforcement from parents/care givers who are supposed to teach us a healthy balance of giving love and support and receiving love and support. If this is absent in our young lives? Unfortunately, we try to gain affection approval /self approval from helping/caring for others above and before caring for ourself. It’s all based on a reward system to make ourselves feel better, I think that’s how it works? Hope that helps you? Be kind to yourself x

[Eggshells]

Am IDVA is an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor. They are usually allocated to you either by your local dv charity or your local authority.

A good IDVA will be in contact with you regularly to offer advice and support. They will also keep an eye on your changing circumstances and act to keep you safe if necessary. xx

[Hazydayz]

Oh… I see now, thankyou Eggshells 🙂 morning by the way! and how are you? Good I hope. x

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