4th May 2020 at 6:40 pm #102481
I am new to this forum, so bear with me if I come at you all with too many questions!
My partner is bombarding me with texts, that his heart is broken, he will do anything for me etc.
Everything came to a head about (detail removed by moderator) where I was asking questions about his ex and why she said she was afraid of him. He didn’t like that and showed me his phone, which he was about to start recording me, for his own protection he said. he is very good at turning things around so that it is always my fault etc. I was livid that he was going to do that, but to avoid an argument and with the children upstairs, I went straight to bed and told him to leave (he doesn’t live with me but stays over about (detail removed by moderator) a week).
He came up to me in my bed and started taunting me and flicked my head really hard. When I got up to try and make him leave he told me I was smelly. I tried to get him out the door but then he put his hands around my neck for a second or two.
Things have got worse over the years – usually when he is drinking but not always. He would get in jealous rage when I talk to other men (countless holidays have been ruined because of this), he has called me a s**t, w***e etc. I have had to call the guards to get his to leave one night. He was very charming to them btw, everyone says how lovely he is…..jesus if only they knew.
He has pushed me, and been so unpredicatable I am walking on eggshells all of the time. We have been to counselling, both together and alone and he has been ‘trying’ to change. But then that happened (detail removed by moderator). He tried to say that I got him first but then admitted the morning after that he doesn’t remember me doing it. I had been thinking guilty about that – what else has he said I did but didn’t??
Anyway now he is swearing he will change etc. I have told him I have spoken to women’s aid and they say what I am describing is abuse, but he doesn’t seem to want to admit it. He said I was being ‘unfair’ by saying he has been abusing me..
I want to end this before it gets worse. I have my children to think about. I don’t want them growing up thinking it is ok to treat women like this. BTW he rarely shows his true colours when they are around but can be controlling – he has tried to make us walk further even when we say we are tired, exploded and drove us home in an aggressive manner. They were scared I could tell.
But it is never just him, I started it or wouldn’t stop talking, or he will forget about himself starting something and criticise me for reacting when he keeps picking and picking, on and on….
Tell me to cop on please. I need to be strong and see this through.
4th May 2020 at 6:44 pm #102482
‘He tried to say that I got him first’ – I meant to say ‘hit’ instead of ‘got’
4th May 2020 at 10:46 pm #102494
I was kinda hoping for a response before now…..maybe I am being a drama queen 😀
4th May 2020 at 10:58 pm #102496
No not at all. Driving irrationally is a give away designed to scare you and the kids. Very common tactic. Getting in your face is physical abuse so don’t doubt yourself please. This behaviour is so damaging I had this for years now I’m about to start trauma therapy. Have you looked at trauma bonding? This is what makes women go back to
Abusive men it’s a strong over powering feeling but don’t confuse it with love. It’s your hormones and brain going haywire due to abuse and trauma. Reach out as you have done and get help as u can’t do this alone . This is real. It is abuse xx call WA love diymum xxxx
4th May 2020 at 11:02 pm #102497
Hi Madmam, no one should have to walk on eggshells around their partner. What he’s displaying is abuse. The fact he had his hands round your throat, no matter for a couple of seconds demonstrates he’s dangerous and you should get him out of your life pdq and never look back!
Google the cycle of abuse. He’s not going to change and joint counseling is a waste of time because they just bring out mr charming. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and living with the dominator by pat craven are good books to understand this behaviour a bit and what goes on in their twisted minds.
The more contact you have, the higher the risk he’s going to drag you back in. Change your number, email address everything, block him on all social media, after writing to tell him it’s over and to leave you alone. If he persists and you have not engaged with him, it’s harassment and will be seen as such and you could apply for a restraining order. If you respond, it will be seen as an argument if you involve the police later.
Zero contact is hard work but is the absolute only way to do it. If you keep posting for advice, you will get some here. The site has been extremely busy the last few weeks which just shows the increase in abuse since lockdown So you might have to wait a bit for a reply sometimes 😊.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but it’s the only way to do it. You’re absolutely right to think about your children being witness to any of this because it will affect them too,
4th May 2020 at 11:17 pm #102499
Thanks you two,
I was sounding selfish there but so need validation now that I was beginning to feel unheard (which is a thing I have about myself which I need to work on).
So they definitely don’t get better, right? I’ve an adequate education so I think I know the answer, but Jesus this is so much harder than I thought it would be.
Funny, I really am enjoying the peace, being in control again and the sheer predictability of life right now. He was going to come over and I said no but honestly it wasn’t because I was physically afraid, I was enjoying the peace too much!
Thanks but if you can, give me more strength, I need it x
5th May 2020 at 2:25 am #102504
Hi there, some of us just take time to answer, to make sure we give the right advice too. I have struggled over the years to be heard too so know how that feels. Funny thing though, since leaving, I’m noticing people do listen to me more, don’t cut me off or talk over me the way they used to. That’s a strange one. There’s nothing wrong with ‘being selfish’, if that means putting your needs first fir a change. Too often we’re accused of putting ‘yourself before others’ when it’s the last thing we actually do do. But if we doubt practice self love, how caen we love and care fir others? Abusers never change, oh they’ll sets they have(what after 3 days,3 weeks,3 months) not bl..dy likely. Some will sign up for counselling and or expect you to go to. Don’t no matter what, it doesn’t work. Just gives more ammunition to him. Oh it’s hard alright. The hardest part is getting your head around the fact that this person who professed to love you, protect you has systematically tried to break you physically and mentallyloop. Knowingly or otherwise. Unless a true psychopath who has no feelings fir others,no empathy, these men know exactly what they’re doing. You’ll learn a whole new language. Getting away and staying away are the hardest things to overcome. Trauma bonding keeps us there, has us return time and time again. I’d find myself automatically driving up to my old house as soon as he called asking me up for a coffee or whatever. Thing is I couldn’t just leave afterwards, felt I’d to stay there even though it was the last place I wanted to be. Look up the FOG of abuse, the cycle of abuse too. They will try anything to ‘win’us back, but the optimum word here is win. They have to win away all costs, play fighting, arguments, everything. To ‘win’ they will do what’s called hoovering. Take everything he says and does with a box of salt, never mind a pinch. They don’t like being told no, so well done. Finding your boundaries and sticking to them is really important, they’ve pushed them back fir so long. He’ll maybe try the push pull technique as well,especially when you do start feeling stronger and stand up to him more. Pushing you away emotionally only to pull you back in. All part of the cycle of abuse. We’re all fed the fairytale of a knight in shining armour, he doesn’t exist, you are your own knight. Erne been told fir years that we’ve only been half a person until the right man comes along ng to make us whole, rubbish. We’re whole human beings before, to have someone in oor lives should be a privilege not an entitlement on their part.
So keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power.
Ive found lockdown is my opportunity to learn more patience and how to be less frustrated. Was always a big believer in not stressing about things out with my control,to be able to control or fix things that I could. Ive had time to perfect that a little more. 😊
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞
5th May 2020 at 4:55 am #102509GoingthroughitParticipant
keep him out and away from your children please im doing the same right iw me and my child are locked down and he comes to window to say hi and things but we are over sometimes like the other day he came and was in a bad mood about me asking him to get our child something he broke my window called me terrible banes and threatened to kill me keep him away your not alone
think of your children it will get worse
5th May 2020 at 6:55 am #102511KIP.Participant
Goingthroughit please call the police if you haven’t already. They are taking this situation extremely seriously. Threats to kill should be reported to the police. He is not allowed to traumatise you and your child. If you can’t ring the police then secretly record his next visit and you telling him not to return. Or do it by test then if he turns up the police can remove him. Talk the the domestic abuse police in the meantime and get the support from women’s aid x
5th May 2020 at 7:58 am #102515
No hun they don’t get better, only worse behaviour follow what you described. You’ve been very strong so far telling him no, as IWMB says they don’t like that, well done for sticking to your word. The thing I found the hardest and still do is accepting that the man I loved didn’t exist, he was just a front for a lying cheating violent person. The fact you have good times with these men makes us think they can change because we saw the nice side of them. It truly is a mind**** of the worst kind. But we can and do get through it with help & support ❤️
@goingthroughit please contact the police as KIP said, he is harassing you and behaving very dangerously, please let us know xx
5th May 2020 at 5:33 pm #102566
Thanks for the replies.
He is coming over to collect post etc but I will meet him round the corner from my house as it will be easier to walk away from him. Also if he’s he’s in the house, well. He mightnt leave when I want him to. I know he will try to win me back. But I don’t believe he will change. All h fees been texting me is how bad HE’S feeling. I wonder has he ever wondered how I’ve been feeling after every time he verbally abuses me.
Anyway wish me luck! I’m so nervous right now.
5th May 2020 at 11:26 pm #102587
Can’t you leave the post with a neighbour say you’re not goin* to be in? Put all his stuff in one envelope and post on to him? Avoids having any contact that way x
6th May 2020 at 10:59 pm #102645
Yeah but I promised we’d have a chat and I knew he quotient do anything. Never does when on best behaviour and trying to win me back. He even said he’d think about proposing if I went back to him!
6th May 2020 at 11:26 pm #102646HeadspinningParticipant
It’s definitely abuse. Reminds my of my situation that I recently got out of.
My ex was always good with my kids in the earlier years – fast forward to when they were teenagers and he had views on what they should be doing and started ruling the roost with them too. Created a really uncomfortable atmosphere at home when we were all walking on on eggshells not knowing what version of him we would be living with that day. Very hard to reconcile the attitude and atmosphere of the last 2-3 years with the version of him we had in the first 2-3. Things change gradually and the abuse creeps in and becomes the norm. I feel guilty that my kids were also impacted – therefore my advice would be to stay out of the relationship. You have warning signs. The fact that you are on here shows that you know things are not right.
I have now found out that my ex had some previous convictions – he maintained the women set him up and exaggerated…what, all of them? You can ask the police confidentially online to disclose whether he has convictions and whether you are at risk under a scheme called Clares law. Might be worth pursuing. But I think you know that there will be some truth in what his ex says – his anger towards you is a coverup to deflect it. Leopards don’t change their spots.
Hard as it is if you want to exit you need to shut down contact. He will hoover you back in. Read some of the stories on here of other ladies who have been through the cycle over and over. It’s really hard to get out. You have your chance – take it! Mane a happy life for you and your kids – in time you will meet someone who deserves you x
9th May 2020 at 11:31 am #102811
He was around (detail removed by moderator) as I reluctantly agreed to spend an hour or two. We watched a movie and he stayed for dinner. But I didn’t feel anything. I think it’s too late for us. I wanted to try to see did I feel anything, but I don’t.
I was chatting to a male friend of mine about ask this, and he can’t believe I’m even talking to him. He is adamant that he won’t change. He says I don’t deserve it. So I don’t know what to do. I feel stupid but don’t want to let this go and regret it later on. What if he can /does change? Does anyone know any success stories?
9th May 2020 at 1:18 pm #102818
Hello again, I did the going round fir a coffee, which always lasted hours instead of just a coffee time. Made dinner once or twice a week,but it doesn’t sit right. But what’s right fir each of us individually isn’t right fir another. Its like a wee faithful puppy who returns time and time again only to be kicked out of the way. One day that puppy grows up and turns on it’s master, and they are so surprised. Im not saying we are faithful wee puppies, but one day we do say, I’m done. You’re just finding out how to, without hurting his feelings maybe. Do what is right for you, this is your journey. The more you distance yourself the less you’ll want to see him. You’re body will revolt, you’ll feel of but not know why. I left nearly a year so, I’ve distanced myself gradually mainly because of other circumstances and that I personally don’t want to be responsible for hurting another person, never mind everything he’s said and done over the years. But that’s just who I am, and lockdown has helped enormously for me, except when he turns up cos I’ve not answered his calls, but I’m working through what looks to be inevitable response to that.
As to success stories, yes I do not doubt fir a minute there are some. But the thing is unless your partner is prepared to accept all of his behaviour and take steps to stop it happening, noone can say they are no longer abusive, that they’ve changed. Put it this way, if you had a dangerous dog and you took it to a behaviourist and all looked great after a while of doggy therapy, can you honestly say you would totally 100% trust the dog to never be aggressive again.
Abusers go through a high when they’re in abusive mode, a chemical reaction happens, endorphins are released into the blood stream and they feel great, thing is they crave that feeling more and more, why would they give up something that makes them feel so good. Its the same with us. We need them to make us feel good because they’ve always been the one to fill that need. We crave that chemical reaction also. That’s why when we’re agitated, talking to them or seeing them calms us down in the short term, but doesn’t last because he then gets agitated needing his craving fixed and so the cycle begins again.
Hope I’ve not went all miss marple on you😏
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞
9th May 2020 at 2:58 pm #102830EscapeeParticipant
I don’t believe they can change. I think it was IWMB that said in another post about the tone of voice changing but the words being the same. Actually, I could hug IWMB right now for saying about the coffees – that’s exactly what I have been going through and I’m feeling a little bit stupid for allowing myself to get drawn back in. So a huge thank you IWMB, I now know it’s just all part of the freeing yourself from the mind games and emotional manipulation.
9th May 2020 at 3:29 pm #102832
Dont feel stupid @Escapee, you’re doing what’s right fir you, it can feel like you’re sleepwalking, you want to wake up, don’t want to go where you feel you’re being drawn to, but it’s like breathing. Being around him is so familiar and then somewhere along the way it’s not anymore. Thank you for the hug, I’m needing it myself today too. 💞💞
9th May 2020 at 4:01 pm #102835
It’s well documented that abusive men have abusive belief systems created and passed down often through the generations. Lots of us not all replay our relationships out on what we’ve been taught. My ex and I can honestly say three generations ago his family were basically dragged up. A large family and his father and some siblings were sent to a home as the parents couldn’t cope with them. We don’t teach how to be in relationships in school xx our family influences us that’s what happens to these guys. It’s is a choice they make so there is no excuse but this is who they are and no one will change that. What’s good to remember not all men are abusive. Xx
9th May 2020 at 4:09 pm #102836
However this man is so no contact only way 💕
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