29th June 2021 at 5:14 pm #127937EmptybutfreeParticipant
I’ve posted a few times, sent a few replies to other ladies also, I feel as though I’m better at giving support and advice to others but I’m horrendous at taking it myself.
I’m re reading through old text messages (self sabotaging I know) but I can’t help but feel like I was sometimes a little too harsh and demanding?
I’m aware that being hit in the face, strangled etc is not deserving but I wonder if I was sometimes the problem?
I really did try to stick up for myself, my morals and values and I tried and tried again… obviously it never worked.
Was there anything at all I could of done to avoid this?
My mind is all over the place, he’s in prison and I’m sat here (safe) but trying to unravel this absolute mess in my mind.
I’ve been cheated on
Giving a sexually transmitted disease
Hit in the face a handful of times
Emotionally I am drained but I can’t help but blame myself!
29th June 2021 at 5:22 pm #127938KIP.Participant
Abusers programme us using guilt. It’s how they keep control. Well one of the ways. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this apart from leaving. Abusers like to abuse, they like the feeling of power they get from destroying us. They are parasites, they do not bond and have no remorse or moral compass. You could have been the most perfect person in the world and he would simply have abused you over that. Constantly changing the goal post, keeping us confused and in fear. Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas is a good book, as are the Lundy Bancroft books on domestic abuse. It’s all about the power and control and he deserves to be in prison where he cannot hurt you or other women. We minimise abuse as a coping mechanism but strangulation is one step away from murder and you are 7 times more likely to be murdered by an intimate partner if strangulation has been used previously. Imagine a sister or friend describing these horrific events. You wouldn’t think for a minute it was anything she did or didn’t do. He chose to behave in the most appalling cowardly illegal way and well done for holding him accountable. Have you looked at the Freedom Programme?
29th June 2021 at 5:35 pm #127939ISOPeaceParticipant
No, you did not do one things to deserve what he did. Not one thing. You were never the problem. The only thing you could have done is get away from him or get him away from you, but the nature of abuse makes that very difficult to do. Have you read up on abuse? If you understand how it works it’s a lot easier to accept that it wasn’t your fault. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is excellent. So are all his books. I would also recommend reading up on trauma bonding, which explains why we get so stuck in these relationships.
Normal relationship rules/advice don’t apply when there’s abuse, because the abuser is playing a different game. He’s not trying to make a meaningful connection and having a mutually respectful relationship, he is trying to get and maintain control so that you can meet his wants/needs. So try not to judge yourself using what people typically say about relationships. One good example of this standing up for yourself. Abusers simply don’t respect boundaries – partly because they want things their way all the time and partly because violating your boundaries shows you that they’re in control of everything.
You were incredibly strong to survive and to get yourself safe. You are still that strong. It takes time to heal, but you will. Sending lots of love xxxx
29th June 2021 at 8:16 pm #127948EmptybutfreeParticipant
I have done the freedom programme online, I’m now doing it again as the first time I feel as though I spent most of my time feeling as though I was the abuser.
I was made to feel as though I was crossing boundaries which is why he was so violent towards me when I know, all I was trying to do was communicate and be heard.
I would try to get to the bottom of an issue, probably to try and figure out how I could of made things better. I always apologised even if things weren’t my fault because I didn’t want him to leave me. I’d usually be given the silent treatment or something along those lines.
Part of me wondered what position I would of been in if I’d of just kept my mouth shut, maybe he wouldn’t of cheated, maybe he wouldn’t of hit me, I don’t know. Every scenario is running through my mind.
Thank you for your support xx
29th June 2021 at 8:45 pm #127950KIP.Participant
I kept my mouth shut and I got assaulted because it irritated him so no it wouldn’t have made any difference. It was never about your behaviour it was all about his. The cruel threats to discard are awful and leads to such insecurity. It messes with your head. The push and pull. Abusers find our weaknesses and exploit them. Don’t make the mistake of thinking he thinks anything like a normal compassionate human being. He’s not and never was x
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