Right I’m totally pee’d off

[Genericusername]

Basically I’ve as best I could wound my neck in. Accepted that I’ve been treated like 💩 accepted I’m not the problem, and need a fresh start. I wanted to get some specialist counsel to validate what I’ve only just accepted after so long I’ve actually been subjected to. Only problem is my local area is so inundated with other women needing the same i’m still on a waiting list a month later. I can’t even join the freedom project. Ugggh. I really need it. I need to be listening to the talks of validation to stay strong. Give me strength. Trying to avoid seeking comfort in totally the wrong place but i say again..
Uggggh. Send help. Do you ever feel like I wish they’d of just smacked me one then maybe I’d get some help. I feel so unseen. Obvs I’m putting up with having my head fried, flying monkeys and a smear campaign simultaneously, it’s game central. P.s booked my flight x

[Mellow]

You don’t need someone to validate you can do this yourself write everything down and keep going back to it when you start doubting what happened

[Genericusername]

Sometimes just sometimes I do need someone to say this is what he did, this is how it brainwashed you and the affects had are common. I am watching and reading it to all sorts of stuff that I can relate to but it’s not the same. I just need looking in the eye on a weekly basis and validating my mindset.

[Genericusername]

I can see that I’ve not been treated nicely and I’ve come to that by myself that’s half the battle.

[Genericusername]

Trying to stay away is the other. I do need the correct support otherwise I’ll just be overwhelmed with the need my need for comfort. Lord knows the cycle. I’m really trying to comfort myself but it’s way past not needing professional input.

[gettingtired]

I totally get this, it really does feel like it makes a difference when you can actually speak to someone in person or on the phone rather than reading what’s written down. Well it does for me anyway. Always here to chat if anyone wants to private message xx

[Genericusername]

Anyway one week of no contact and I hope I can see it through till forever. Anyone in the right mind would but I’m not in the right mind. He’s in my mind, my mind isn’t my own anymore. I’m climbing the walls.

[longjourneylife]

Well done on the no contact, staying away from other ‘comforts’ also help as it takes and reduces temptation, keep phone off, get a new number and keep reminding yourself that it couldn’t have continued and it wouldn’t have ended well for you, even without any physical, the mental can be far worse.
Try to remember that the crippling agony you’re in now, won’t last, it does ease over time, and ups and downs will happen, but each time you get back up, you’ll be that bit stronger and go that bit longer… You can do this, if I can, anyone can, so keep going, you got this! Ps I’m still on waiting lists, they’re months long so keep trying different avenues because even though triggering, you’re offloading to the right people as you go, which keeps you less alone along the wait…hope that makes sense, plus there are all these amazing women who have kept me going in my dire moments too on here! Keep posting x*x

[Bananaboat]

Sorry if I’ve missed bits but just replying to your first post. Services are very busy, one month is a short waiting list even though it doesn’t feel like it I know. I recently reached out and it’s a 4 month wait just for the assessment to go on the waiting list for a counsellor here. Do you work and does your employer have a EAP scheme, you might be able to get support that way? I’ve not started the freedom programme myself as like you there’s none nearby but looking on their website I saw some sessions are remote via zoom. Then it might be worth asking your GP, I know iapt is swamped but years ago mine recommended a local church run counsellor which was free based on your earnings or just a small contribution.x

[Mellow]

I’m so sorry your not getting the right support maybe it will help face to face .and maybe I’m using your worries as my own .I’ve considered therapy but have been finding ways to deal with it alone ;but Maybe therapy will help maybe we do need someone sometimes.

I do understand the battle your going through I’m going through it now I was with my ex over a decade with children and I feel my life has been a lie.all lies I didn’t know how bad !he’s lived a double life had children with me planned future with me I’m devastated.but I’ve also found my parent had n********t traits which I didn’t know of which could have led me to fall for him and not only him an ex before that I’ve not had any healthy relationships.then my parent died and I was left with only him.i hope you get someone to support you soon I do know there is a d v helpline someone maybe able to get you the number

[Genericusername]

Thanks all it’s just not knowing how long I’ll be hanging on for I wish things like the freedom project were more like a walk in service.

[Anonymous]

Aw, the smear campaign is a nightmare, mine is “still” going on people are still saying things when I’m going past (they don’t even know the facts, I’ll tell them if I’m pushed) remember what the character assassination is for (it’s designed to keep you isolated, to upset you for fuel to go back to causer as a boost, and to make sure the levels are unbalanced where the starter/abuser tries to keep clean while blackening you) I keep my head up now when there used to be tears, anger,confusion and wanting to hide from the shame of the twisted facts and actual lies (it happened today (I ignored them kept my head up and got on with my day) do the opposite of what they expect, I’ve had years of it it’s exhausting (that’s how I had to learn) keep your head up,don’t let them restrict your life 🌺💛🌺

[Genericusername]

Thank you for everyone’s comfort. I’ve had to really bunker down these last few weeks. I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself. Hiding I guess. I’ve tried to distance myself from social media and things. I feel like the longer I’m away more and more buried trauma keeps coming up. I took a couple of trips over the last month. Great for a brief distraction but I guess now that I don’t have any more plans and anew term of study approaches, I just feel so messed up I’m worried with the added pressure. I had hoped to of started some therapy pre Sept. I’ve been from pillar to post and some places were a 12 month wait. Managed to get a referral for employee well-being service. 6 weeks, I’m surprised they took me as a student. I think I’m going to start work with a proper psychiatrist. I cried when they told me. So yeah I’m hanging in but I can really feel the toll lately. I did start looking into crisis lines today… I’m really trying to hold on.
What else I did post earlier and my health first post in a while.
My ex abused me, completely mentally broke me down and dumped me, but it was weirdly done, it was a bit wishy washy i want space, go and think about what you’ve done etc… I think he just maybe wanted to keep me in limbo some more maybe.
It was one of his flying monkeys that commiserated me about a week later on my break up so I took it from that they didn’t get that info from thin air. I don’t know but before I went into no contact he was just playing games, wouldn’t answer a straight question and had too much control over me. I did suggest getting my things so I could start my work but a month went by and he never replied. I was keen to try again for my things after taking some space. I again don’t want him reappearing as school starts for me. So I had to try.
I just sent a hey I’m conscious about needing some of my things can I give him a list? But he has ghosted me for a week. It’s really hard. He’s such a head worker and I’m always like why is he doing this and what does it mean??? I’ve just left it and I thought maybe there is one person who could I contact to arrange helping me with him so I can just close the door?
I assume he’s holding on to my things for a reason… I don’t want a fuss and I was going to ask for contactless collection or drop off to suit. I can’t see him.
He did weeks back say he wanted to meet but I was so raw I couldn’t risk it, he wouldn’t give me any clear reason, and I can’t trust him. I think maybe because I’m not doing perhaps what he expected me to do, he’s not happy and he’s silent treatmenting me. You’d think if he was done he’d want my things out of his space. They are just things I was going to ask this friend I have in mind to assist me with a handful of items and tell him to keep everything else if that’s what he wants to do still I don’t want anymore contact. I figure it’s a strong place to be. I think perhaps he might be embarrassed by me having to get his friend to help in this. So he should be.
He’s lucky I’m too traumatised to speak about how he has been, and how I am to anyone.

What do you think? Do you think I should be brave and ask this friend I trust, not that I’ll say anything other than can you please help me get this this and this, I’m not getting any response, I don’t want a fuss and a conversation isn’t needed. Keen to move forward.?

[Genericusername]

I think maybe he will be surprised that I’m not too bothered about most of my left behind things, it’s not going to be enough of a hold over me, he may be surprised I don’t want to use them for a meet up excuse even.

I am thinking a lot about why he does things. Maybe he can sense I won’t want to see him and he’s stalling? Maybe he want me to loose emotional control and blow his phone up for a power trip? Maybe he didn’t want to breakup he’d be happy to keep driving me into the ground? And now he holding me stuck.

In someways I’d said to myself he must be the one to end the relationship. 3 times I was on the cusp of a breakdown and left him but my anxiety couldn’t cope with the consequences of my choice I didn’t trust myself. His power just got higher and higher making me work to win him back. No wonder he had no respect left for me. He run me ragged things were very unbalanced and unstable.
I knew I needed it to be his choice to end next time and I had to try to communicate instead of running just for my own sake of really letting go,

[Author]

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