Roadblocks to independence

[Anonymous]

I cant find the post but a very helpful person on here said that as I start to take steps to financial independence, my partner will take steps to make that difficult. That lady was very, very right.

At present I’m taking those steps and so far he has tried
– taking on a hefty ongoing years-long financial commitment, whuch would render me leaving much more difficult.
– applying guilt about the kids
– not giving me the very small required time to make a start
– discussing all the things I could do if I didn’t work at all. This is the most ridiculous piece of nonsense as I get a very hard time for any unaccounted for child-free time “what have you done?” “What are you planning to do?” “Oh you haven’t done that?” “How much did that cost?” “I pay for everything you know” “do you know how much we’ve spent this month?” (No as I have no access to the accounts) “why don’t you do such and such?” “do you really need to do that?”.

So on the brightside he’s not stopping me. On the downside, with this constant nay-saying it is hard not to want to give up.

[Lisa]

Hi Sande

I just wanted to show you some support. I am sorry to hear about how your partner is making this so difficult. He is very financially abusive and is trying to control everything. I hope you have some support in place as this must be really hard for you.

Please don’t give up, you can do this.

Take care and please keep posting,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

is it financial control? I always imagined that was having your bank cards taken away or something like that?

This is more subtle. My attempts to earn money are discouraged and belittled. But equally as a non-working mum I’m often reminded whose money buys everything and asked to justify the costs of things like haircuts and clothes (I dont mean really high end stuff, just bog standard high street stuff). Then there are conversations about me being a “snob” for not wanting to wear clothes with literal holes in. Or when I want something quite expensive that he has, something he gets use out of and I would too, it has to be a Christmas or birthday present.

I suppose it mostly feels like being a child. A child who is reminded weekly that theyre only really getting anything due to his largesse.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Keep on going indeed, receiving resistance from him actually reveals how he is loosing his grip on you. Double your efforts to financial independence, it’s definitely the way to go, reclaim your freedom, giving you the opportunity to decide what you wish you do with your life.
Make sure your accounts are separate, that you’re the only one with access to yours, in your name only, with logins known to you alone.

Could you please additionally contact Women’d Aid and tell them about your situation, you are busy gaining your independence and they will help ensure your plans and yourself are kept safe.

Sending you strength and courage to keep on going.
You go girl, step by step, steadily and surely 💪💕

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for the support, it actually brought a (nice) tear to my eye!

I will keep going, I must.

The brightside of being excluded from any money or accounts is nothing aside from my house is in joint names. So he’d have a hard time accessing anything in my name. A small victory!

I am having a hard time accepting this is abuse and not just a really horrible relationship. So I fear I’d be wasting womensaid’s time, it’s the only reason I haven’t called. There must be tons of women in physical danger – i don’t want to clog up the resources. However I do have a solid few hours free next week – and an excuse to be elsewhere – so could bite the bullet.

[HopeLifeJoy]

You’re very welcome Sande, you’re going to get your independence you’ll see! You’re doing great 👍💪

I’m very pleased to hear your accounts are your own, a small essential victory indeed 💪. You don’t want to fill them up only to find out he’s created a leak and redirecting it all to his own accounts.

It is definitely financial abuse, you hit the nail on the head by saying
“This is more subtle. My attempts to earn money are discouraged and belittled. “ which normal healthy partner would treat the woman he loves in such ways??
Your financial independence means he’s loosing his grip – his control over you – which he won’t tolerate. His abuse will escalate, tightening the purse even more, it can get dangerous, you don’t see it yet. He is already restricting your most basic needs. Clothes, haircuts, next restriction will be groceries. It is very subtle BUT the spiral down towards complete loss of autonomy is extremely fast, that is why it is so very important to contact Women’s Aid for additional support now while you still have a little bit of freedom.
You are basically rebuilding your life with your enemy in your house sabotaging your every move.
Gather as much information and support around you. Legal support too. Knowledge is Power. Don’t underestimate the length to which he will go to keep you under his control.

Keep going, keep posting, keep strong and steady as you do and surround yourself with support to ensure your safety on your way to financial independence 😘 💪💕

[Camel]

Hi Sande

I just wanted to add my agreement that what you’re experiencing is financial abuse. We often don’t recognise it for what it is because we believe what they tell us – that we have no automatic right to THEIR money. If we’re earning they might expect us to pay half of the expenses despite earning much less. It could be as subtle as never having money in your pocket to buy a round of drinks or having to ask for ‘housekeeping’ so you can buy groceries. It’s all about control.

[Chasingrainbows]

Sande, I agree with you wholeheartedly, it feels like this kind of abuse is not ‘bad’ enough to get help for, but we MUST and do deserve to buy nice stuff for ourselves. Although I’m working, I have a similar situation whereby I’m scrimping and saving for clothes and eventually grew my hair (detail removed by Moderator) to save money on haircuts because I didn’t have the money for it. My lovely Dr is helping me leave, but like you I’ve avoided getting help from woman’s aid because it feels like I’m not entitled to it because he wasn’t really bad. But it IS abuse, and we are entitled to look and feel good about ourselves. I think you get worn down by it and end up with it being the norm.

I will say it’s only now that I’m away from him that I see how much control he really had over me…. Be strong and get help. You deserve it!
Ps- I’m ringing woman’s aid on Monday. X

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