Rock and hard place

[FedUpWithTheRollercoastee]

Hello,

So, I recognised the abuse about a year ago. Got counselling which helped. Things got better. Then, through an awful circumstance, he found out that I had stashed an escape plan.
Whilst I didn’t want him to find out about this, it did at least get things out in the open.
He hasn’t had a major episode since, but lots of micro aggressions and just existing alongside each other.
I’m ashamed to say, that when I drink, stuff can come out aggressively to him. I have stopped drinking during the week. But sometimes things flare up at a weekend.
He’s now effectively accused me of abusive behavior and that I keep harping on about incidents in the past and that I never apologise for anything.
He wants things to move on as a family in a happier state. But he’s admitted he can’t get past the escape plan and I think he wants me to accept some culpability for previous outbursts (which I’m not going to do).
On the one hand, the thought of being free is a silver lining, but also very scary and I don’t know if I owe it to myself and us, to have one last go at actually trying to make us work.
I do wonder whether, with my new knowledge, that I do dwell on the slightest thing sometimes and blow it out of proportion? I may well be guilty of that and I’m quite ashamed of going to his level and bring snarly and nasty when I’m drunk
I just don’t know what to do?

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, reading your post this jumped out at me…
“He wants things to move on as a family in a happier state. But he’s admitted he can’t get past the escape plan”

Has he accepted and taken responsible for his abuse which is what caused you to seek an escape plan? Saying let’s move on and not talk about past abusive episodes…can you do that if unresolved?

It isn’t upto him to forgive you for trying to escape him… can you forgive him for pushing you to seek escape and safety/freedom?

I would suggest you keep a journal of any continuing abuse from him.

You do not owe him anything, we minimise abuse as our abusive partners want us to minimise it so they can continue their behaviour. I was abused for many many years by my husband and it took me a few times over a.few years to finally separate.

You are not dwelling or blowing things out of proportion, he will want you to think that. Trust your gut.

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[FedUpWithTheRollercoastee]

Thanks you @Hereforhelp,

I really appreciate your reaching out. It’s been an upsetting and confusing day.
I my heart, I know that he hasn’t fully taken responsibility for his past behavior or the fact that I was driven to such thoughts. But he has a way of twisting things to be my fault and then I feel guilty. I am by no means an angel.
But thank you foryour words. It’s what I needed today.

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