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I haven’t been on for a while because things have been difficult. Sometimes I feel like I can only take so much of this at once. I’m working towards learning to accept what happened to me and move on, but it hasn’t been easy. I’m experiencing emotions that I’m not used to feeling on a more long term basis, and I have been struggling with that. Lately the biggest emotion has been anger. I have never been an angry person, but yet I’m filled with it right now. I’m angry at him for hurting me after promising not to. I’m angry with the situation. I’m also angry with myself. I know it’s all part of the recovery process, or so I have been told, but it’s one thing to hear it and another to experience it. The people I trust don’t understand what I have been through because none of them have been through it, and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone because it’s an awful experience. I’m glad that a few of them will listen when I need them to because that has been helpful. Their support is what has got me this far. I would probably still be in contact with him if it were not for those few people who were able to convince me that no contact was the best option. I know he shouldn’t be in my life, but lately I have been missing the old him. The person who had been my friend for years, even after distance separated us. I know that’s not who he is anymore, but I still miss it. I think the last week has been difficult for me because it has been around an anniversary date. It was around this time that I had the university tell him no contact because he wasn’t listening to me. It was a decision I didn’t want to make, but it was one he forced me to make. Of course it didn’t work so I had to take additional steps, but for whatever reason these anniversary dates make life more difficult. I don’t even have to be intention about remembering it. It’s like I subconsciously know the date. Until I thought really hard about it, I didn’t know why I was having such a rough time. I felt a little better once I figured it out because it wasn’t an unknown reason anymore. I know this is going to take time, but I’m definitely getting impatient. I just keep telling myself one day at a time and I will get there.
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It’s such a cliché but time is a healer. There has to be hope and so many lovely ladies on here are proof that we can move on.
You’re rite though, it’s all part of healing. We must suppress so much while it’s happening. I think this all makes us so very strong. It’s surprising what we can survive. Sending lots of hugs xx -
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I sympathise so much I desperately ache and yearn for the man he promised he would be, the man who “would make it his life’s work to make me happy”. He fed in to all my dreams for me and my children and used them to get me to live with him then turned into a controlling monster one minute with glimpses of the great guy in between. I’m angry all the time about loosing mine and my children’s home because I trusted him, that he lied to me about who he was and what he wanted and still does, still tells me I just didn’t give him enough chances. But I still desperately miss the man he made me believe in. The emotions are overwhelming and all consuming at times. I get it and I hope time does help all of us. Still waiting for a WA counsellor. Maybe there is hope there. X
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Hi there, have you spoken to your GP. She may be able to refer you for councelling or perhaps if you can afford a couple private consultations with someone with abuse experience. I think you are going through the stages of grief and anger is one of them. But, you have every right to be angry. What he did was despicable. Have you tried mindfulness. When you feel the anger, try to get in touch with your senses. So make yourself aware of what you see, touch, feel, hear etc. In the moment. If you google it, it worked for me sometimes when I needed distracted from the anger. It retrains your brain. Every day away from him sends a message that you will not tolerate his behaviour and he doesn’t deserve to be in your life. What you grieve is the con man you thought loved you. It’s painful to realise that someone you love and you though loved you turns out to be an abuser. Be gentle with yourself. You’ve been through a terrible trauma and that will take time to heal. It does get better. I had nearly 3 decades of his abuse and I’m beginning to thrive again❤️
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