Rubbish week

[SunshineRainflower]

I’ve had a bad week and I’m feeling pretty low and ‘what’s the point’ ish, I thought sharing it on here might help as you guys understand.

At the beginning of the week I had a terrible experience with the organisation that has been providing a support group and therapy for me. I’d been picking up weird hostile vibes from the manager of the organisation for weeks but wrote it off as I couldn’t work out why she’d be hostile towards me.

Then sure enough she was extremely unpleasant to me in a conversation I had with her about my therapy, where she accused me of making snap judgements, questioned one of my diagnoses and questioned the previous therapy I’d had. I could detect thinly masked hostility and anger from her and it was scary and damaging to be spoken to like that by someone who is meant to help people. I have had to conclude that for whatever reason she has taken a personal dislike of me and I’m picking up on it. I’ve decided to leave the support group and the therapy to protect myself from what I predict could be a very negative and damaging experience if I continue to be around this person.

The rest of the week I applied for jobs unsuccessfully. I’ve felt exhausted all week, old, fat, achy, and have been having headaches daily. I feel like such a loser, such a failure at life. It feels like such a daily battle to get up and do anything as I increasingly wonder what the point is? I feel like there must be something wrong with me for my life to be so bad – no job, no home of my own, no partner, no children. I try so hard to get my life on track but it all feels so difficult. I’m so tired.

I have good qualifications but they are for my previous career. I’m trying to change careers and it’s so hard getting someone to give me a chance so I can get started in this new career which I love, the old career was so stressful, I want to leave it in the past.

I’m struggling with ageing, I’m going grey and can’t really afford to go to get it dyed but it grows so fast and I hate how it looks, I don’t feel old enough to have grey hair! Dying it at home makes me feel stressed and anxious so I’m not sure what the answer is.

Will things ever improve or am I just destined to a c**p disappointing life with no job, no partner, no family of my own, no place I can call my own? I feel so stuck like I’m on a treadmill working hard each day and getting nowhere.

Sorry if I sound really self pitying, I usually try to be positive but I am just so low at the moment, thanks for listening.

[Confused123]

Hi Lovely

sorry to hear u having a bad week, i always say it is good to have a rant on here, helps me loads. firstly congratulations on removing yourself from the negative people at the therapy centre, u followed your gut and trusted yourself which will benefit u long term, seek support from another therapy centre, there must be more than one, who ever refer u to them complain about they treated u ,this is what i did to a place i wasnt treated and welcomed,

not finding a job does get u down and puts tremondous stress on your head, compeition out there is so high, dont take it pertsonally but continuing trying , refer to jobcentre, agencies, job apps on mobile , do not give up.

as to grey hair, i seem to notice loads, dye at home like me, use a darker colour , i still have to do monthly but hey cheaper then paying a salon .

i have no home either at moment, am renting, i have no partner, but hey the partner i did have well he just asbused me so we better off without one then being abused. theres nothing wrong with u , u just going through a bad patch, i was overweight when left ex and still am , but im taking steps to work at it, all these baby steps count towards our progress. being alone and jobless does not make u a failure, u r still trying , consider higher apprentice

[Confused123]

hi my laptop playing up so thpo
thought post first half, ignore spelling errors my laptop wont let me correct, things will improve, part of my journey has taught me to cut certain people who i thought were my friends and helped me loads at brgining, people deal with our abuse in weirds ways cause they cant handle , always look for new supoort groups and positive support . its ok to have bad days and weeks, i mentioned in my last post i needed few days to switch off, even now i should be doing my divorce paperwork, im finding loads of ecxuse to avoid but know have to do by tommrow. its ok to cry and junk eat ocassionaly , reflect on how far u have come and getting away from ex is massive step compared to where u was when u was with him, this is a bad patch, it wont last forever even thoygh feels like it

[Relieved]

Hi Sunshine, sorry to hear you are feeling so low, that woman should not be working in a support centre if she made you feel like that!

On the job seeking front – I think you really need to take some time for self care to hopefully improve how you feel about yourself to be able to promote yourself to others. I colour my own hair at home – Superdrug do a colour(Nice’n Easy) that washes out in 8 or 24 shampoos if you’re not sure about the colour, it only costs £3 to £5 so very affordable and can make a huge difference how you feel about yourself – I know it does to me!

I have been feeling a bit low and stuck recently but I try to focus on how far I have come so I tell myself this is only a temporary blip. Feeling sorry for yourself can be good in a way as it can give you the motivation to do something about it!

All the best xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi SunshineRainFlower,

I too colour my hair at home and its costs very little money. I use henna. I buy it from an indian shop. Mix equal parts of henna dye and indigo natural hair dye with water and leave for an hour. (I combine the henna and indigo so I get a brown colour instead of red). Apply this paste to freshly washed hair for a half an hour. Then rinse out using conditioner only. I apply it every 3 weeks at the first sight of any greys. It acts as a hair masque also.

I walk an hour a day to control my weight and to manage my emotions and calm my headspace. As I have recovered more my self-care has improved which helps me cope with getting older but trying to maintain looks and figure.

Small steps though. Even the tiniest act of self-care daily means you’re heading in the right direction. I try and drink lots of water, that’s a small action but still self-care. Or massaging hand cream on my hands at night. All signs to me that care of myself is my first priority in my healing from a life-time of being abused.

Start with the hair. Seems daunting to colour it at home but try and even if it doesn’t turn out perfectly well its a start and practice makes perfect.

[Anonymous]

Hi sunshineflower
Sorry you having a rough week

I get my dye from poundland try it you won’t be disappointed I love it
I do a lot of self care walk my dog
Round the parks .i love nature

Hope you feel better soon hugs x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your kind replies, it was good to read them all and made me feel better. I ordered some hair dye after you all recommended I try it again at home, and have opted for a different brand this time. It has good reviews so I’ll give it a go. I did try using henna but sadly the smell triggers very bad migraines where I have to go to bed for a few days so I can’t use it anymore. I’ve had my hair dyed since then so I know it’s safe for me to use a chemical dye again, I will do an allergy test first though just in case.

In terms of weight and body image, I’m actually pretty slim, it’s just my ex made some hints about me eating too much a few times and I think it triggered a bit of an underlying insecurity. I lost a stone when I was with him as I was so anxious I couldn’t eat, and became underweight. Now I am back to a healthy weight but his comments and my worries make me feel like I have to be skinny to be attractive, if that makes sense. I walk everyday, eat healthily, do yoga, go swimming but I am missing the gym which I used to go to, I just found it a bit soulless and can’t afford it anymore. I’m going to try out dance classes as I need some more energetic exercise in my life, and dancing makes me feel happy, so I think this will help.

I’ve found several new jobs to apply to and have started the applications, I guess I just have to believe in myself and keep going. I went to an industry event in a different city by myself last week and it felt so positive knowing I could do it, survive and enjoy it. I read someone ‘think what a successful person would do in this situation’ and I knew a successful person would go to the event and have self belief so that’s what I did and it worked. Going to try and build on this now and keep going with everything, whilst practicing self care.

[Author]

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