2nd March 2016 at 5:21 am #10838SerenityParticipant
In my head I know the right response to my own question, but it would be great to have some if your lovely wise words to speed me along my way.
When my ex made a cruel exit, what came with it was a horrible tirade, and sustained attack involving sending me things through the post to unsettle me etc, which involved putting down everything I was.
All those things which people normally achieve to make themselves happy and constructive individuals- like ones own beliefs, values, choice of career, funny little habits- he put down with venom. Essentially, he made me feel that my belief in being truthful and considerate and not pushing myself in front of people or using others to achieve was stupid and something to look down on; my tendency to think of others’ feelings was stupid; my hatred of his horrible sense of humour which involved humiliating or making cruel fun of other people meant I was grey and boring; my choice of career was embarrassing and pointless; my not operating on all cylinders, because I was battling a chronic fatigue illness due to the stress of being abused, meant I was past it and useless; my giving up part of my day carrying out necessary – even of not enjoyable- duties as a mother and even wife, like ironing and tidying up – meant I was boring and conservative ; i realise that he saw my trust and optimism as something stupid- far better, in his eyes, to be manipulative, outwit and use people, and come out top dog.
He essentially made me feel that all those things that were precious to me and which I had achieved were stupid and without value.
Whilst my rational head tells me that in fact there were reasons for him putting all this down ( that he know he wasn’t honest, so tried to devalue people who were; he resented me doing anything that didn’t invce him; he was bound to put down my choice of career, as he could see I loved my job and I was eventually far better qualified than him- and he liked to be the best, the big ‘I Am’, and others to be his minions) at the same time, his criticisms rocked me to the core. I still hear his voice putting down everything I am, and there are times that I find myself listening to him and wondering of my life and all those things I achieved really are worthwhile or interesting.
Any idea of how to shake off these feelings?
He is bound to think that normal people going around their daily business are inferior and boring – as he is a psychopath who rejects normal limits and tries to tehr advantage of everyone for his own ends. He is attracted to crime and all things dark.
2nd March 2016 at 10:58 am #10849newlife2015Participant
So sad that they have to put us down to make themselves feel better about themselves – they are purely jealous of all of our great qualities as they know that they can never have a good heart like us so the only way to make themselves feel better is to destroy us. Unfortunately when you like with all of their put downs every day you forget what a good person you are as you are so wrapped up in keeping them happy – it is so very sad. I really appreciate the ‘boring’ times I have handing out with friends, or going to my parents for Sunday lunch without worrying what time I need to be back etc!
No idea how to shake off thse feelings – I still hear his voice (when I am cooking for example – everything I did in the kitchen was wrong in his eyes) but I just try to ignore but I guess it will just take time to build our confidence back up but we will get there 🙂
YOu are right though – EVERYTHING they do for others is because they want something back themselves! They are so selfish and manipultative and have to WIN at all costs!
2nd March 2016 at 11:40 am #10851Confused123Participant
Again can only say they just like breaking us down, in the process we stop loving ourselves, u have to start loving yourself and putting your needs first , theres nothing wrong with u , u have loads of good strong qualities in yourself, just cause u r brave to pursue your beliefs and there not they mock us and make us doubt ourselves , they live in a dream bubble that they r some one else, they cant relate to reality, how do u shake these feelings off ? start by caring what u think and whats important to u, his opinion should hold no value , i recently said to my ex i actually dont care what u and your family think of me anymore , but u prob don’t care what i think either cause u and your family never cared about me, just saying htat to him and realizing i dont actually care made me mentally stronger, what i think is important so apply the same rule, is hard cause u get days where u doubt yourself but slowly u get there , and the people around u have massive impact on your thinking, im in process of actually looking at whos around me and who is positive and who is negative for me, its shocking that sometimes your close family and close friends r the negative one, think about your self and your own interest
2nd March 2016 at 12:28 pm #10858SerenityParticipant
I actually did put in a text ( when he was sending me horrible put downs) that I didn’t care what he thought of me any more.
That made him go quiet. I had always before hated his disapproval.
Thanks for getting me over this little hurdle- I have never mentioned that aspect of my abuse here before, so it’s good to mention it and get feedback x
2nd March 2016 at 1:03 pm #10859HerindoorsParticipant
Hi Serenity. Mine did the same.
I still look at my life now and think I am boring, I don’t have enough friends because I am unlikable, I am rubbish at my job etc….but I am learning to catch myself and have self compassion. That often leads to me thinking more logically and breaking it down. No I am not boring as I have so-and-so interests, I have a few close friends which is how I like it, I can’t be rubbish at my job considering the feedback I get.
It’s a struggle to stop the negative conversation in my head but once I catch it I can ususally turn it around but I have to work at it which can be a bit exhaustiing.
It woudl be nice to just wake up one day and think ‘yeh, me, I am pretty great actually’….one day ! 🙂
2nd March 2016 at 3:02 pm #10866missgiddypantsParticipant
my sister is with a bully but wont leave him ,we were talking one day and I said our dad didn’t like her oh thought she could do better ,so she said our dad said to her ,he (OH) things your stupid and I said oh god yes they do ,is that what it is they have to be superior to us ?? guy I worked with was going on at me one day about my heating ,said I know everything about heating co I’M a man I know everything about cars cos I’m a man ,when I told him to go away and go to his own area he worked ,he said I will as your in a mood then not speak for ages ,and when he did told me I had to say sorry for being in a mood ,I said sorry but you were going on at me ,I never go on at anybody he says ,it’s like they can’t see what they’re saying to us ,never them always us that’s in the wrong x
4th March 2016 at 2:54 pm #10934WanderingCloudParticipant
oh yes, The Boring comebacks. I get that all of the time. It occurs mostly in situations where he wants me to support and agree with him but I don’t. Then when it backfires on him, I am goody two shoes, boring, useless.
He tries to touch me, I refuse his advances and am immediately boring. This constantly repeats itself in daily living but I am now comfortable enough in my beliefs that I actually don’t care. I would be rather boring that a dishonest abusive, egotistical person. It all boils down to jealousy. He doesn’t want to admit I am better than him in most things, I am a more balanced and thoughtful person, more popular than he ever will be and he doesn’t like it. Any opportunity he tries to bring me down but I actually don’t care. I want to and need to look after my own well being and so am determined not to let his opinion bother me.
4th March 2016 at 3:36 pm #10937KIP.Participant
Laugh laugh laugh…….. At how pathetic and insecure they are. That they need to put others down to make themselves feel big. That they will never be satisfied or fulfilled. Good riddance to bad rubbish😆😆
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