- This topic has 37 replies, 13 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 5 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
So Im sure you are all getting rather sick of me by now last question from me. 🙄
Yesterday and last night things took a rather nasty turn Ive been advised to work out a safety plan just in case i choose to use one as he is getting worse.
Can i ask those of you whove done this.
How do I do this? What do I need to do? What should i include? Where do I start?
I dont want to have to do this it means all this is real happeneing and so far ive done so well at pretending but i guess its not gonna go away so I need to get real.
Thanks xxxxx -
Hi Nbumblebee;
This website actually tells you step by step what safety plan looks like and what to include. It’s probably silly but go step by step and try to apply to your situation. First thing, clear your head, secondly – any best friend you could call and vent to and brain storm at the same time?
My first attempt to leave wasn’t successful because I rushed it, I didn’t plan it properly and ended up going back, I was feeling guilty. After that things went worse and he knew he can manipulate me back, control me, torment me – main thing for me, I didn’t know who to contact and how to sort out any financial difficulties, work, childcare etc. So he was my only option for so called “normality”. When I moved out second time I was more financially stable, I had better circle of support among my friends, I had authorities involved, I moved out with my kids and organised my life in a way that I didn’t need him for anything. Firstly I was feeling guilty because I succeeded and he was sad, lost his family, I destroyed his life etc… I struggled with a guilt for so long and now, from time perspective and after seeing his real face (a person who cares only for himself) I honestly DO NOT CARE what is going to happen to him. So I strongly advise you, clear your head, think about yourself, PLAN everything independently and DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!
This is the info you need; I’ll copy and paste for you.
• Plan in advance how you might respond in different situations, including crisis situations.
• Think about the different options that may be available to you.
• Keep with you any important and emergency telephone numbers (for example, your local Women’s Aid refuge organisation or other domestic violence service; the police domestic violence unit; your GP; your social worker, if you have one; your children’s school; your solicitor; and the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247).
• Teach your children to call 999 in an emergency, and what they would need to say (for example, their full name, address and telephone number).
• Are there neighbours you could trust, and where you could go in an emergency? If so, tell them what is going on, and ask them to call the police if they hear sounds of a violent attack.
• Rehearse an escape plan, so in an emergency you and the children can get away safely.
• Pack an emergency bag for yourself and your children, and hide it somewhere safe (for example, at a neighbour’s or friend’s house). Try to avoid mutual friends or family. See the suggestions below on What to pack if you are planning to leave your partner.
• Try to keep a small amount of money on you at all times – including change for the phone and for bus fares.
• Know where the nearest phone is, and if you have a mobile phone, try to keep it with you.
• If you suspect that your partner is about to attack you, try to go to a lower risk area of the house – for example where there is a way out and access to a telephone. Avoid the kitchen or garage where there are likely to be knives or other weapons; and avoid rooms where you might be trapped, such as the bathroom, or where you might be shut into a cupboard or other small space.
• Be prepared to leave the house in an emergency. -
Thank you. He wasnt violent but he was the worst ive seen him in a long time these nasty episodes are getting more and more and i am scared so I guess it really is time to face all this. Im not ready at all to leave but my counsellor wants me to make a plan even if i dont use it but to have something there in case. I dont have friends or family who i can turn too they wouldnt believe me anyway and yeah i get that guilty feeling thats me thats why i cant and wont leave yet.
Thank you for your comment i appreciate your time. X*x -
We’re not getting sick of you nbumblebee, we know how hard it is to leave when your psychologically and emotionally stuck, when your self esteem is so low you wonder what’s the point and there’s the different entanglements as well,what he’s been is controlling, depowering, verbally and emotionally abusing you and degrading you in ways no one should be.I wanted to add one more thing and that’s to pretend and feel like everything is normal with you and nothings changed, I don’t know what yours is like but some can be so on it like a psychic almost as if they know of changes and differences and the only way to get around those types is by just acting and feeling as normal but knowing exactly what your planning while doing the above, I know I’ve personally wanted you to get out for soooo long, the only thing your gonna lose is the disgusting disrespect you’ve been going through for longer than you should 💋💖💖💖
-
@Auriel Those words mean so much. Ive never struggled as much as i have this last week or two in all honesty ive wanted to give up totally I just cant ever see a way out. Hes horrible so nasty and I just dont know why. I dont know if i will ever get out in all honesty im far too scared but making a secret plan has given me some kind of buzz? push? Like im taking back a little control does that sound daft?
He definatly sees a change in me i wont give up my job no matter how hard he tries ive dug my heals in which is why hes getting nastier more controlling more knocking me down as he sees a tiny bit of the old me is popping up and he hates that. Its whether i have the strength to carry on fighting I hope I do but i think i understand what you are saying i finally get it. At home with him I need to act like everything is normal im happy content whilst actually I plan I try and find some self esteme self respect self love and stop harming and blaming myself and work out a way to live with him or without. I needed to hear your words today more than ever and i thank you with all my heart x -
Hi nbumblebee
First, please don’t make this the last question you ask. You’re going to have lots of questions and need lots of support. There are alot of ladies on the forum who wi want to help you through this so please keep posting.
Do you think you are ready to contact your local DV charity to get some support? You can find your local support through the WA website. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
They can help you formulate a safety plan for staying and a safety plan for leaving.
They should be able to talk you through refuges and council housing applications.If you can plan ahead, check out refuges/pivate accommodation, find out about universal credit, housing benefit etc to top up your wages, council housing etc that will help.
Keep a bag packed and hidden – maybe you can keep it at work? Essential documents include your birth certificate, passport, NI number, marriage certificate. Pack a phone and chargers (new SIM if he’s likely to try and find you) then some clothes, toiletries and any medication.
Keep posting, keep asking and stay strong. xx
-
@eggshells Thanks I feel so sick so overwelmed scared confused this has all gotten real.
Not sure im ready yet to tell anyone but Thank you for the link I will think it over.
Thank you for the tips so much to think about right? Thank you xxxxxx
-
-
Yes, I can totally understand that it feels overwhelming and scarey.
It feels like alot of new challenges, especially if you’ve always lived in private housing.
Take it at your own pace if you can and give yourself time to reconcile yourself to what lies ahead. Honestly, I’m living the reality and I’m amazed at how it feels. I have no housing or job security, financially, I’m just about keeping my head above water; it’s not what I’m used to. Despite all of that, the reality is so much better than I had imagined.
It’s scarey thinking about homelessness, council housing and benefits but when you’re preparing for that, don’t forget that the reality is also a future of freedom, being allowed to be you. Your home, no matter where it is, will be yours – somewhere you feel happy to be. You’ll no longer have that feeling of dread when you put your key in the door.
You can do and be whatever and whoever you want. You can relax in your own space. Before I left I was terrified. I had anticipated hell and completely forgotten to imagine all the good bits. If I’d known what I know now, I’d have left years ago, despite the hardships. xx
-
-
@Eggshells @Auriel @curli can i ask did you use Wa or your local DV charity? Is that where you started? Thanks. I know i said no more questions sorry 🙄
-
With the last situation yes w.a were involved, I was in hospital after overdosing and I saw a billboard with all the traits going on and how I was feeling, I phoned them and they picked me up and took me in, cos I was raised in abuse I didn’t know different but what I “did” know was that I hated it and and I didn’t understand or want it anymore, maybe you could put a bag in your local w.a drop in centre or call in have a chat if there’s one close by x x x
-
-
-
-
-
nbumblebee, hi, please keep posting ❤
I wanted to say that I have been terrified of separation for so long, it took me (detail removed by moderator) attempts, I am still in early stages. I saw a solicitor (loads do 30 mins free) firstly, before any other help, I suppose I didn’t actually believe it was abuse, that was until the solicitor said yes it is abuse, coercive control etc. I do not have an income, they still took my case. I cancelled proceedings as I was terrified, vomiting, losing weight, I remained separated and decided to see my husband, really see. He is a selfish, self absorbed, emotional, financially abusive bully, put downs (of course he was only joking telling me I was mad all the time, I believed it in the end, that was until a friend asked me why do I say I am mad, I thought about it as hadn’t been asked this before and his name came out of my mouth) it was a wake up call, took me a long time to separate. I have reinstructed the solicitor and plan to go through with it this time.This week is a better week for me, less guilt, shame and anxiety… please keep posting ❤
-
Thank you @Hereforhelp for sharing with me it means alot. I have to admit since writing this ive not done anything with regards to my safety plan. Ive had a fall and am currently stuck at home hes been ok, no sympathy of course oh lots of (detail removed by moderator) but oh I can still get his dinner make him a cuppa etc 🙄 im agry with myself as having this fall may mean that i cant work if i dont improve (detail removed by moderator) he will love that. I will work on it when my heads in a better place, but I guess theres never an ideal time its not gonna be easy whenever I do it is it?
I am so glad you have been able to see what he does to you i think thats the hardest part so far for me maybe for everyone i guess?
Love hearing that youve had a better week too hopefully its upwards for you from now on i can i.agine its not gonna be easy and i wish you all the love and strength in the world to continue with your fight. Please do let us all know how you are getting on. Much love xx -
Sending love and strength. I’ll write more tomorrow. Don’t apologise for asking questions, keep asking, anything . X*x
-
-
🤗💪🏻💗🤗🍀
-
-
From one Bee to another 🐝🙂
Bee strong…
Amongst the great advice here…
Remember:
Your current situation is not your final destination.And you’re much, much stronger than you think! It takes mighty strength to put up with all their sh+t right? And for how long?!
You’ll be there to catch yourself don’t worry. I wasted (removed by moderator)yrs before I wised up.
When you’re ready, and make the move to get that that space to breathe.. it’s pure gold!
-
-
Oh yes lovely bees 🐝 just thinking @nbumblebee keep telling yourself you have wings and what you are doing like an emerging butterfly is testing them and building them up preparing yourself to go. Take care xx
-
-
Hey, I found I had to be a bit creative, come up with ideas, the easier the better. If you watch on Youtube – search ‘the elephant and the rider’. You will understand how making the path easier will help you cross the path. Where focus goes energy flows. Start planning, focus on your escape and new life, get excited for it, I wrote notes on my phone, you can lock them with a code. Make the lie a believable one, even to yourself-it seemed to help, mine was visiting some people I normally visit. Then never going back. I also posted boxes home before slowly to get all the things I wanted out and ready. So when I left I didn’t rouse too much suspicion with too many bags. I could of left when he was out. But that felt too overwhelming. I had to do it this way for some reason. Do what ever seems easiest. There will be feelings of guilt, mine are nearly passed thankgod. Just remind yourself that you are going to have to battle through these thoughts. These thoughts are a result of his brainwashing. It’s like a personal phycological war you will go through, you are fighting for your freedom, to get to that freedom you need to de-program yourself from years of brainwashing. It’s tough. But you can do it. Every women can. When our eyes are opened. I like the term, it’s like a spell has been cast over you. The spell lifts and you will start to see clearly. It takes time, patience, work, rest, care. But it’s achievable.
Stay strong x*x-
I just dont know where to start how to start should i even start? It just all feels too much but I have some amazing ideas thanks to all your help one day i may be brave enough to act upon them thank you so much. I know i need to i really do maybe taking a small step like buying a bag to pack or writing down a few ideas of where i could go im saving money so I guess thats a start?
-
Exactly, start by writing things down, this was so valuable to me, a step by step plan. You only need to look at the next step. One by one. Like step one: list the things you need and want to take. Don’t think of the full picture because that can be overwhelming.
Write somewhere safe of course.
I was leaving stuff at my parents for years, or bringing them back and forth. 9 months before I actually left I had sent most things to my parents. But I was back and forth with my decision so it took me a long time to finally do it.
x*x -
I think its the most bravest thing to leave I cant imagine how hard it was it must have hurt so so much. I need to be honest here i really do im more scared of leaving than i am of staying which makes me think is it as bad as i make it out to be? This is what stops me. I have a good life big house car money i go out with him for dinner etc where would i end up? Alone in a b&b with nothing. Then that dream comes in the not being scared the dread when he comes home the not being allowed to do what i want lack of love the constant demands for sex the moods the nastiness and everything in between I dream I am sitting reading with no knots in my tummy no watching for him i feel so happy so good.
Its just all so confusing right?
Thank you for your help I want to start I do I just need to find the balls xxxx
-
-
Wherever you keep your small rucksack type bags, like under your bed, or cupboard, start packing one or two of them, one with essential paperwork items (passport, bank details, children’s paperwork, originals if you can but put some clothes on top so if he was to look in it he’d think just clothes.
I was pretty brazen, put packed up plastic bags with some clothes in and said they were waiting to be picked up by charity people but they kept letting me down… google there are organisations that do this.
Closer to the time, I then took a couple of bags to the place that was going to be fostering my animals when he wasn’t in. I left when he was out so took one bag with me & kids essentials.
I planned this very slowly and probably packed over about 6 weeks. Pack like you’re going on a two week holiday, when you think about it there is very little you really need. Depending on your situation, any valuable to you items gradually move to a safe place, a friend or family’s house, or even a small storage place if you can do that without him noticing. Just in case he’s a smasher-upper as some are when they lose it.
Will think some more and write more again later. Do it slowly, dont feel you have to do anything, as someone else said, start day dreaming about the life you want, have a think about how you would life to be, it helps to think further into the future and how you want life to look in say 2 years time. It’ll help you plan, and think. xx -
@iliketea Thank you I love that idea of imagineing my life 2 years from now.
I will take all your tips on board its just all so real so frightening youve all been so lovley I really have alot to think about.
Thank you, you lovley lovley ladies x*x -
-
-
-
@nbumblebee, you are not alone in feeling like it’s all too overwhelming. The last time I eventually left, I was living elsewhere for(detail removed by moderator) years, but difficult personal circumstances led me to move back in with him. It felt the right thing to do at the time. I’ve since regretted it, but don’t have the support I had before.
People say “you’ve done it before, you can do it again.” But I really thought last time was the final time, and it took months to accomplish. I don’t feel able to go through it all again, so I feel stuck in a situation of my own making and hate myself for it.
-
-
-
Thank you @bananaboat ❤
-
-
Hi nbumblebee, I like you was thinking about it for quite a while and had the same thoughts about nice house, car etc and how I’d end up, which put me off leaving. And I never thought I would leave until the day I left. I did speak to Womens Aid and a solicitor a few months before I left but I didn’t make an actual safety plan in advance. I did give a lot of thought to it though and read loads on this forum which is a good start and did sort of formulate a few things in my head, just in case, which was the safest place for me to keep it really.
It ended up the first night I posted on this forum, I had to leave the next day (with lots of support and advice from the ladies on this forum). His behaviour was escalating and escalating and I was really scared, so when he popped out, I got a big handbag put a change of clothes in the bottom, my passport and my purse with my driving licence, bank/credit cards and put some books on the top and left it in plain sight by the coat rack with my other bags. Not ideal but needs must. (I would also strongly advise to pack a phone charger which I forgot but got one from the supermarket next day). Then when he was back screaming, shouting and threatening me, I walked out of the door, under the pretence of taking my child for a sleepover, booked a hotel for the night and never went back. I went to the police the next day and was able to access a whole range of support from WA, Police domestic abuse unit, an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate, my employer and my child’s school.
I would’ve preferred to have ‘all my ducks in a row’ before I left but sometimes things don’t happen that way in life. You can sort all these things after if necessary but the most important thing is to trust your gut and if you feel scared for your safety, then get out.
BTW, leaving doesn’t mean you end up with nothing. Use the free 30mins with solicitors to get some legal advice on your financial position. And memorise your important account details, National insurance number, any important info, etc. and think about where you could go at short notice. Knowledge is power even if you choose not to act on it at the moment xx stay strong 💪 and definitely keep posting xx
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
