Said he can’t make changes without my support

[Lionking]

Had a big heart to heart with my husband where he said he needs me to give things another go or else he can’t concentrate on changing. He’s trying to get into an abuser programme and being extra nice etc but has also said that his life will be decimated if I leave. He described what he felt his life would be like if I left and basically said he would have nothing to live for. He says that other people wouldn’t understand the abuse without the “(detail removed by Moderator)” of our relationship.

I feel like he knows all the classic signs of an abuser so uses words like (detail removed by Moderator) instead of blaming me.

I found this on a website about leaving an abusive relationship and he ticks all but 2 of these:

Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:
They minimize the abuse or deny how serious it really was.
They continue to blame others for their behavior.
They claim that you’re the one who is abusive.
They pressure you to go to couple’s counseling.
They tell you that you owe them another chance.
You have to push them to stay in treatment.
They say that they can’t change unless you stay with them and support them.
They try to get sympathy from you, your children, or your family and friends.
They expect something from you in exchange for getting help.
They pressure you to make decisions about the relationship.

[Lisa]

Hi Lionking,

Thank you for sharing with us. From what you have described it sounds like your husband is still placing blame and guilt with you which is very unfair. Unfortunately it is common for abusive people to turn things around to shift their responsibility to the other person. You aren’t responsible for his actions or his effort to make any changes- only he is responsible.

Do keep posting when you can, we are here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

Posts