Saw him for the first time

[Hereforclarity]

I don’t think I’m really asking for advice but just wanted to come here to write it out.

I just saw my ex on (detail removed by Moderator) in my local area. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since I went back for my things.
I managed to avoid him and took another path but wow that really threw me. I instantly felt sick and my heart felt like it was in my throat.

I really hate that it’s got this impact and I feel like I was trying to hide from him? There’s something that feels really unjust about needing to avoid him and him being seemingly very comfortable. He definitely saw me and didn’t try change course – but I was just far away enough that I could change directions and he’d have to run after me to catch up if he wanted to speak.

It’s absolutely easier this time when I’ve completely broken off contact (as we were on and off again) – but wow it sort of feels like the relationship (now I have distance) feels like a bad dream and it gives it way more weight to bump into him like this. Now that I’m not in denial – it all feels a bit fresh and just can’t believe I’m darting away from any ex – this is someone I loved for years, lived with and knows me, my friends and family. I’ve stayed so amicable with my other two ex’s and can’t imagine having to remove anyone else from my life quite so brutally…

I’m STILL wondering and hoping he’s OK and not hurt by me avoiding him…

Has anyone come out the other end of feeling like this and less heightened about the possibility of seeing their abusive ex? I’m so scared he’s going to try get back in touch with me and mess with my head again. It takes so much out of me when he does this and has the habit of showing up as soon as I’m starting to feel more myself/more confident.

I don’t think it’s possible this time around but he managed it on a few other occasions. I definitely feel much stronger in myself, but still doubt whether it was really abuse, whether I was to blame (Or just as much to blame). I feel like speaking about how the relationship was with my new therapist is villainising him and I’m not sharing how I contributed as much to the dynamic or something. I know in my right mind – it’s not how abuse works, I just can’t seem to shift his voice out my my head enough to be certain.

[Lisa]

Hi Hereforclarity,

Thank you for sharing how you feel. It must have been very triggering seeing him, it’s understandable it’s bought up a lot of emotions. It’s normal to have conflicting thoughts like you explain.

This might be an appropriate time for you to access The Freedom Programme if you haven’t do so; this can be done in a group setting or online. It’s a programme based on the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, which aims to help survivors make sense of and understand what has happened; many women say they find it helpful with moving forwards.

Keep posting and talking with your therapist, hopefully the more you do, the more his voice will lessen.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Eyesopening]

Totally have felt exactly as you.
It took over a year to be 100% sure my ex was abusive and I 100% did the right thing by totally blocking him out my life. I literally have had therythrough the whole time since i left, different kinda though with different types of therapy. Each time i learn something new. And the Freedom program is what really set me free in the end. The beat thing i ever did for my healing.
My ex is in another country and I cannot imagine the fear of even remote possibility of bumping into him. I sometimes imagine him coming to my house and i plan the best hiding spot where no one can find me. Its our natural instinct to run a mile from a predator. So don’t feel bad about that.
Being kind to ourselves is just that, we accept our thoughts, actions, feelings and our gentle with ourselves. We don’t rush or feel bad about not being totally healed yet. As we are the people who feel deep and so its us who need to heal. Not the ones who do not feel, they can never be truly happy.
X*x

[Author]

Posts