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Recently had to see my abuser in person because we still share custody of our kids. Kids are doing well & are healthy. He even commented out loud on how great they look. But then things went downhill. I felt like he kept searching for things to be wrong. He (detail removed by moderator) he saw & I could hear him commenting about dirtiness. My home is not dirty & neither are my kids but life happens & stains are inevitable right? Im sure he’ll report (detail removed by moderator) to protective services because he’s on a mission to prove I’m unfit. I know it’s an extremely stupid claim but I just cannot stop beating myself up over it. I keep thinking I’m so dumb to not have done one final check before I saw him. I keep thinking about how he’ll show the pics to others & all the horrible things they will think about me. How do I get the self criticism to stop? I know I’m a wonderful mom!
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He’s still the same abuser he always was and any contact with him will allow this type of interaction. Zero direct contact is how you move forward. Using a third party for all contact and handover. Or a contact centre. A contact book can go with the kids for any messages like ‘kids need homework done’ etc. There’s nothing wrong with your parenting, there’s everything wrong with his abuse and that’s what it is. If you want to dominate someone you destroy their confidence. Keep a journal of his behaviour. Of course there are stains and it’s none of his business how you keep your home. He will focus on the things he knows will get the best reaction from you. Don’t play his games. Zero contact. If that’s not possible then tell him to wait at the end of the street and you can take the kids out and watch they get safely to him. Keep a details record of his behaviour and remember this is only going to get worse with direct contact.
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Thank you Kip! This made me feel better & helped me to stopped beating myself up so much. You’re so right in that him making a bug deal out of stains has nothing to do with my actual parenting abilities. If it wasn’t the stain it would have been something else. There will always be something else. I am not able to go 100% no contact right now but you definitely have me thinking about things I can do to minimize contact. I like the idea of a contact book and using that to relay messages. I will keep thinking of other things I can do to reduce contact with him during his visits with our kids. He is such a horrible, sick & twisted person. Maybe I can also tell him to start bringing his own supplies for the kids so he won’t have a chance to criticize me (though certainly he’d just find something else).
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Keep an old mobile phone for only him so you can switch it off when you want no contact. Text messages only so there is evidence. I’m talking for emergencies only. Even better if a third party holds this phone. During his visits with your kids he shouldn’t be there with you. If he wants to see the kids he should arrange something away from your home. Start as you mean to go on. Set boundaries and stick to them. See if a family member will facilitate visits. He wants you to be there so he can abuse you and he will use. Hold contact for this x contact your local women’s aid too for support x have you had legal advice? Are you the resident parent. Is there something in place in case he doesn’t return the kids?
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If he’s an abuser then he’s abused the kids via you. Get some advice about contact. Maybe he should see them supervised at a contact centre?
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