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    • #61924
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hello everyone, I’m very glad I’ve found you. I am a (detail removed by moderator) year old woman who has been living with an abuser for (detail removed by moderator) years. I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship. I found out six weeks ago when my husband told me he was involved in the death of a vulnerable woman and asked me to support him. Despite him behaving in a despicable way towards me, it was his behaviour toward another that opened my eyes and my eyes will never be shut again.

      I tol told him I would not support him and that I was going no contact. That day was the first day I saw him in full narcsssistic rage. I saw all the tricks, all the loops and I saw his desperation. There will be no going back for me ever.

      I am the only person who knows the true facts about his involvement in this woman’s death although the police are now investigating and I have told them what I know. Overnight, my husband rewrote the whole story putting himself at the centre as the hero. He arranged the funeral, comforted the girl’s parents and was given access to her house to remove the contents within two days of her death.

      Since then he has been getting his energy from the sympathy of his friends. Six weeks on and the sympathy is running out. Friends are beginning to question him and doors are closing. He has now gone into victim mode. Already a skinny man, he has lost 20lbs and looks awful. It’s hard for his friends to ignore him and he has a core group providing him with the fuel he needs.

      The fact that I’ve gone no contact when I gave my word that I would always be his friend has left me very vulnerable. On a daily basis he ‘pokes’ me through a third party. Never directly as he has been warned the this will result in police intervention but every day some arrow comes to find me. I am being judged as heartless and uncaring which hurts me deeply but this is something that I have to bear. I have a few close friends who are supporting me but even they lose patience with me from time to time. I also have the support of the domestic violence unit but even they don’t truly understand the nature of this particular beast.

      I go from feeling strong and powerful to weak and useless. I feel isolated and alone for much of the time. He tricked me into moving out of our home (detail removed by moderator) and I am living in a van, moving from place to place. It’s s tiring life and I long to be back in my home.

      So, that’s my story. I hope someone has some words for me to give me hope for the future.

    • #61925
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, I know exactly what you are going through. I am an older lady too and even my adult son had withdrawn contact. Abusers are nasty despicable people but if you can just give it some more time for others to see through his mask. They cannot keep their mask up forever but they are so good at playing victim. Obligating and guilt tripping people. Well done for speaking up. Abusers thrive on our silence. I don’t know what happened to the other woman but I know around 30 women a day attempt suicide and two per week succeed in this country. I know I was driven to contemplate it on a daily basis at times. Have you rung Rights for Women for free legal advice. When you say he tricked you out of your home, there may be ways you can address this through the civil court. For the third party that tells you about him, please be firm with them and tell them you want absolutely no information passed onto you. I had to be very firm with friends and family. Hearing about him was triggering me. Have you received any counselling. The right help can make us feel validated and much better able to cope.

    • #61928
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Thank you KIP. Just reading your reply has lifted my heart. I left the house (detail removed by moderator) to go on an extended travelling trip. I didn’t know then that I was in an abusive relationship, I just knew that my health was failing. The agreement was that when I returned my husband would leave and do the same but of course it never happened. Since then I’ve been living in a van.

      I’ve filed for divorce and this will be made final in about (detail removed by moderator). I’ve agreed that he keeps his substantial pension and that I get the house. It was me who bought the house so I’m not coming out with very much but at least I will have an asset and somewhere to stay. My husband is using an advocate (lawyer) but is using every trick to stall on signing over the house to me. I’m just biding my time. He can’t carry on like this forever and eventually I will move back in. I only have a pension of (detail removed by moderator) a month and I’m not fit enough to work full time so I’m hoping to get income support until I am able to work again.

      The problem at the moment is that I have no money for counselling and even if I did it’s unlikely I would find anyone within my area trained to deal with trauma bond issue. I do have the support of Victim Support snd see then weekly. I also have the support of the Domestic Violence Unit but they are more suited to advise on practical matters. In six weeks your reply is the first positive communication I’ve had from someone who understands. So a big thank you from me.

    • #61929
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I have not heard of rights for women but I will check them out now. Thank you.

      The woman took her own life after by targeted by my husband as a tertiary victim. She is the second of his girlfriends to take her own life and he encouraged me many times to take my own life too and even investigated ways I could do it painlessly.

      He is now also talking about taking his own life. Twice before when he has caused huge s**t storms he has attempted and failed to kill himself. I have no doubt he will make another botched attempt to garner more sympathy. I have to live with this. With everyone thinking I am a cold hearted b***h. But I am still strong in my resolve. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. But I’m still
      doing it.

    • #61930
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      And finally, yes, I need to be more firm with my friends and with others who are sent to deliver his message. Every ‘poke’ sets me back. So thanks for that. I will instigate that immediately.

    • #61936
      KIP.
      Participant

      I managed to find free trauma councelling given by the third sector. It was government funded and a registered charity. I was very lucky but keep looking in your area for something like that. Your GP may know of something. Or your local women’s aid. My ex played games with the divorce. Stole lots of,money from the joint account and left me with much less than I should have got but I count myself lucky to be rid of him. Perhaps your solicitor can write with a deadline for him to leave and that he will be responsible for any court costs incurred in having to get bailiffs to remove him. I found unless you push solicitors then they’re slow to act. It’s not them living out a van! You will find this site invaluable in your journey. I often read about women committing suicide and now the first thing that jumps into my head is was she being abused? It took guts to stand up to him and to brave the storm he is trying to rock you with. Play the long game x

    • #61944
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Thank you KIP. All good stuff there.

    • #61972
      White Rose
      Participant

      Hi baggytrousers (love your name!). Your soon to be ex sounds as evil as mine and I recognised a lot of the behaviors.
      I just wanted to say hello and well done for getting so far on your journey. You sound a really strong woman and should be proud of what you’ve achieved. It sounds as if you will be divorced soon, hopefully finances etc will be sorted at same time. Or maybe like me it will take a bit (lot!) longer
      Keep no contact. Don’t be swayed to open up a dialogue with him. Stick by your beliefs and ignore the so called friends who haven’t a clue what he’s really like. Believe in yourself and if he does choose to end his life it will be by his hand not yours.
      Look after yourself and keep posting. There’s always support on here.

    • #61982
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Thank you White Rose. I don’t always feel strong. Sometimes I feel wretched but I never lose sight of what he is and what he is capable of. Despite us being married for many years I have found it surprisingly easy to detached myself from thoughts of shame and disbelief. What has got me through is educating myself and seeing this as science versus emotion. This may sound bizarre but after educating myself I do actually find the whole topic of psychological abuse quite fascinating and that too has helped to keep me strong. I know he never loved me, I know it was always only ever about energy. Unknown I was targeted, groomed, love bombed, idealised, devalued, idealised, devalued (x100+)

      My issue now comes from the knowledge that I was supposed to be disguarded. Me disguarding him was not in the plan. I’ve challenged him and ignored him for (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks. This has caused him great n********c injury and for that I must have to pay the price. I am luckier than most. I have a strong circle of friends who understand and I have the support of the police. Despite his best attempts he has not been able to isolate me from my friends. Doors are closing for him and he’s becoming more and more desperate. That is my danger. I will have to pay for this injury.

    • #61983
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I just don’t know when, and from where it wil come next. And that’s the scary part.

    • #61987
      White Rose
      Participant

      I think the unpredictability of what he’ll do is the hardest to deal with. It’s almost as if we’re having to be hyperalert just in case and it’s very tiring!
      You say doors are closing for him now. I like that analogy. My ex found the same. Most of his family excluded him. They were the ones who got me out. Gave me furniture to start again. Bought me practical presents for birthdays and Christmas because they knew what I was skimping to save as I was paying half mortgage and my rent. It’s his family that invite me to family parties and welcome me like a blood sister or cousin. My family is tiny only a handful or so of us and scattered all over UK and I’m an only child of an only child of an only child which limits my options!
      He’ll try the nasty approach, try to poison your name, accuse you of things you haven’t done and try to shift his blame. Mine went as far as phoning my GP wanting to talk about my serious mental health issues as he felt they were putting our child at risk and making it unsafe for my job (I do something that theoretically if I’m not on “top form” could possibly have real implication for safety of others), he tried to contact my employers and I needed to involve my work legal team to make them aware. He got nowhere but the mental anguish he caused me was huge and terrifying.
      Stalling with finances will be another route he’ll take. I’m sick and tired of our situation not being resolved. He’s tried to pass the buck for something onto me and gaslighted everyone into believing his assessment was correct. It’s not. He’s now had no choice but to deal with it and he’s chosen the longest most expensive route possible and lied about monetary side of things yet again so that I’m going to be unnecessarily out of pocket.
      These men are evil, scheming and dangerous. They play the vulnerable damaged party well but people see through them. It may take time but slowly his allies will desert him.
      I can’t offer any specific advice to help but no contact is the key. Sadly I’ve had to reopen contact to deal with my final financial settlement but only as he was racking up my solicitor bill by constant contact. It meant creating an email account just for him and laying down ground rules which I’ve stuck to and he’s ignored, and only accessing account when feeling strong. It’s knocked me back though and bruised my confidence but it has allowed me to make him aware that I’m not as stupid as he thinks when he lies about his idea of value of things that I have evidence of true value and know snd can prove he’s wrong. Its put me in control not him and I’ve stated cold and professional all the time stating facts over and over again and not throwing nasty comments in to the mix.
      Keep records of everything. He’ll change his mind about what hes offerred and tell you he hasn’t said the things he did, it will allow you to keep your sanity when he’s trying to convince you you’re wrong. This has been invaluable to me when he’s said he’s done something and contradicted himself later (often weeks later but sometimes many months) Its meant I’ve been responding “that’s strange I thought you’d said you’d done “this thing” in your email at time x on day y” Its been useful legally and also personally. It’s possible to sense someone squirming in an email and its been good visualising him huffing and puffing and getting redder and redder in the face when he can’t get his way! He darent take it too far as he knows I’ll involve police I have before, as has my solicitor and more recently our daughter both for harassment.
      You can do this. Don’t expect it to be quick (if it is please can you come and deal with my stuff 😆) draw on support from friends and family. Keep posting. Look after yourself. Take time to do some nice things for yourself but most of all keep safe. Change locks if needed. Keep police in loop. Use local DA team.
      Sending love and hugs xx

    • #61988

      BT just wanted to say I’m not feeling brilliant this morning due to handover imminent but at least I know why.

      Just wanted to say and send solidarity with you in your situation.

      You have been very brave to post here and I’m sure ladies on here will walk with you in your situation.

      This may be too much information for you to deal with right now but do watch your medical records. I obtained a copy of mine as I wanted to see who had phoned and said what about me and what was recorded.
      I found several anonymous remarks which must have been phone calls made by relatives of my ex to the tune that I had done and said several things which I had never done or said.

      You need to be careful of that one as if you don’t check they may go through unchallenged in a G.P’s report.

      That, personally I found terrifying. But then I’m generally scared today because of the handover and will probably start feeling better later in the day.

      It sounds like you have been in an awful situation. Re the suicides – a woman who was in refuge with me, a lovely lady took her own life. She had been in a domestic abuse recovery group with us, we all knew that her ex had driven her to it, the refuge workers and women went to her funeral together in solidarity which helped us – I still have a snow globe she gave me for Easter on my bathroom window sill. It kind of reminds me that I am lucky to be alive. And when I get weighed down by things that all that hard work around getting out, was the right thing to do

      big hug

      ftc
      x

    • #61989
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      I’m overwhelmed with the support I’ve found here in only one day! Thank you for sharing your story with me. It helps me a lot.

      I am lucky that there are no children. He has massive pension and I have a tiny one (£(Detail removed by Moderator) a week). I bought the house he is living in and I am happy to accept the settlement that I get my house back and he keeps all his money. I’d rather go out and clean or claim income support than take money from him.

      I know I will be coming out of this financially a lot worse than I went into but I don’t care. It’s worth it to have another step removed from him.

      I am also extremely lucky they he’s gone to an advocate and now our dealings are through them and not directly. He’s been ‘moving out of my house’ for a few years now and of course is now stalling with the conveyancing of transferring the house back to my ownership. I’m holding faith that his advocate will not allow this to continue for much longer.

      As an aside, he’s created (Detail removed by Moderator) group (I’m not on there but have been told) to garner sympathy from friends and neighbours telling them they he’s being forced to leave the only home he’s ever loved. This is to ensure I get a rough ride from neighbours when I move back in.

      Bring it on… 🙂

      My safety is a different matter. I was in a safe house for (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks but he found where I was and it’s not safe for me to live there anymore so I’m back to living rough in a van. The van is still in his name and so legally I can’t change the locks. I make sure I’m always sleeping around other people and I have a panic alarm and other stuff to give me security but it’s still worrying knowing that as he becomes more desperate that he could do anything to get me.

      (Detail removed by Moderator) a previously trusted friend of his who has worked out what is going on is going to tell him that ‘his bank account of energy is being closed with immediate effect’. So (Detail removed by Moderator) will be a risky day but I have lots of people around me who will help to keep me safe.

      Personally, I do not think he will attack me physically. Physical violence is way beneath him. He prefers the psychological kind. Physical violence is for other, lesser varieties of his species. I told the police this but they replied that I’d lived with him for many years and had no idea of what he was capable of. So I have to take their advice seriously.

      Thanks again. I feel so much better knowing others understand the situation.

    • #61990
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      This may be too much information for you to deal with right now but do watch your medical records. I obtained a copy of mine as I wanted to see who had phoned and said what about me and what was recorded.
      I found several anonymous remarks which must have been phone calls made by relatives of my ex to the tune that I had done and said several things which I had never done or said.

      Thank you freedom to choose. Don’t ever be afraid to talk the truth to me. The more information I have the more I can protect myself.

      I am very lucky with my GP. She knows the situation and has been supporting me. A few years ago I was diagnosed with an disease brought on by years of walking on eggshells. She was the one to tell me they my husband was making me sick. I didn’t believe her and was in complete denial at that time but she hasn’t changed her opinion – although I have changed mine. 🙂

      Anything you think I might need to know. Please share.

    • #61991
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      PS. What does ‘handover’ mean? I can see it’s significant but it’s not a term I am familiar with.

      Whatever it is I wish you well. If it’s another step toward your freedom to choose then it can only be a good thing no matter how challenging it is to bear.

    • #61993

      thanks baggy trousers
      means I have to hand over child to ex in public place
      I am trying to reframe it – as they will be back in x weeks just the process is very hard but/and it was a court order that I created myself we have been doing it a long time…
      had a chat to my babes and we had a bit of a cry it is okay now, just the run up to the handover I always find exhausting emotionally thanks for thinking of me…it will be over soon
      x

    • #61998

      Hi Baggy, I’m so sorry for all you have been through. I wish I could wrap you in a warm hug. I’m so sorry, what you have been through sounds incredibly harrowing and to move from place to place sounds really exhausting. I think it’s really brave that you have had the strength to push through and leave with everything you know. Even though it is so hard for you, that is something to be admired. Happy to here that you have a lovely GP, and you always have us too x

    • #62059
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Thank you. I’m not sure I could do it if I didn’t have the support of my family, friends and agencies. I can only imagine how hard
      It must be to try to get through something like this with little or no support and I know of cases where every single friend and family member turns against the victim. Knowing that I am in that privileged position spurs me on.

      I could have chosen an alternative path. I’m probably smart enough to have played to his games, got what I wanted and then gone no contact but what kind of mess would I be in now if I had done that. I’ve chosen my
      path. I have to see it through. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my whole
      life.

    • #62957
      Pudding
      Participant

      Hi this is my first post . I am so happy to have found you all. Reading this blog filled me with awe. The courage shown by you all is an inspiration. I am old and tired and to my shame have been in a controlling, abrusive relationship all my adult life. In the beginning it made me feel secure and loved but those feelings were soon replaced by fear and self loathing. My husband is mentally unstable, unpredictable and very abusive regardless of where we are.I planned leaving many times and did manage to get away three times but he always pulled me back. Both our children suffered mental damage long into their adult life. Without the fantastic support of their spouses , friends and therapists they too would have become abusers. They both left at the first opportunity. My son at (Detail removed by Moderator),my daughter at (Detail removed by Moderator) both preferring foster homes and hostels to their home. I was devastated, heartbroken and very ashamed but still I stayed. To this day just remembering those years gives physical pain. I begged for help from my doctor and social services but they couldn’t  make the choice for me. The children were physically safe. I was well educated and financially independent. I had a very good job which I loved. I was weak and cowardly. I had money, good friends and a supportive family.

      I don’t  know what happened to me. I gave up. I am by nature undemanding, easy going, kind and generous. I was brought up in a large chaotic , poor , working claas family.  I was used to standing on my own two feet from an early age. I had encountered regular,  normal family conflicts that were resolved mostly by a shouting match then followed by a sorry all round and a cup of tea. The first long freeze and verbal dressing down was a shock but was nothing to what followed. I allowed him to knock the stuffing out of me, to take away my identity.I am still trying to find me. I feel reading about your courage has already made me feel stronger. Thank you, a big, big hug. I wish I had dug deeper and found some of it.

    • #63404
      Shinebright
      Participant

      This is my first post and the only way to describe how I feel is lost and stuck in a corner. Saw a Solicitor yesterday (Detail removed by Moderator).
      I fell pregnant very quickly with my partner within (Detail removed by Moderator) months of meeting after a blind date! At the time everything seemed great. I had an amazing job and I guess it was the honeymoon period!
      (Detail removed by Moderator) months into a difficult pregnancy of hyperemesis he informed me he had been in trouble before I met him (Detail removed by Moderator) Being the person I was I accepted this happened before me and that this was his punishment and to focus on the baby.
      Work we’re starting to make life difficult for me and after having my baby sent me a letter paying me to leave – which ended up as a discrimination case and my career down the swany. But my baby was the focus and I knew in reality my job would have been difficult to manage around being a mum!
      I guess not long after having the baby I started to notice and I guess learn who the person I was with actually was!
      He regularly drank at home and in the local pub – little did I know how impactful this was going to be! To keep things brief in the last (Detail removed by Moderator) years the following ‘bad’ incidences have happened:

      • Became angry at me pushed me into (Detail removed by Moderator) in bedroom and took my new born baby drunk and locked them in her nursery so i couldn’t get to them.
      • Having bath with daughter and wanted me to apologise for something and repeatedly poured cold water over my head until I did.
      • Cheated on me with a customer, leaving me
      At home whilst he lied and went out with her (he said nothing happened just friends) the lies were really well though out.
      • Repeatedly threatens to take my daughter off me if I leave him.
      • Thrown me out a few times locking me out and taking my car keys, phone so I can’t go anywhere.
      • lost his temper many times throwing suitcase at me and kicking baby gates or anything in his way due to anger.
      • Called him selfish one night and he smashed (Detail removed by Moderator) in the bedroom up, destroyed it!
      • Tells me to not open my mouth as all I do is moan
      • Puts me down as I’m a full time
      Mum and everyone is talking about me apparently as I’m lazy as don’t work – which believe me is not the case at all
      • late with bills and rent and it’s all in my name so my credit is bad
      • Stopped giving me any money so I have to steal some if he is drunk or unless he is in a good mood and offers, very rarely!
      The list goes on….
      In the last couple of months I also found out he has not been declaring tax and owes over (Detail removed by Moderator). So I can’t even get 30hours childcare even if I did get a job but he still wants me to PLUS he still drives a van for his job with no licence and no insurance!

      I never ever imagined to be in this situation. I live on egg shells he is constantly in the pub at night or drunk at home! All his mistakes are never his fault always someone else’s and I make him
      Angry – I have never known someone go
      From 0-100 in 3 seconds!
      I am frightened of his temper and anger, 100% rely on him for money and feel trapped living with all his lies and pity him!
      I tell him not to drive my daughter in his van but basically get no say in the matter so always on egg shells. When he does have her every dog walk ends up in a pub!
      In fact he told me just the other night if we separate he can do whatever he wants!
      My Solicitor wants to give him (Detail removed by Moderator)
      However why am I scared to go ahead, my daughter loves him, I wish he would
      Leave off his own accord but he won’t! I am in debt with the house and can’t afford to carry on and my benefits may take 3 months. For me not once has the solicitor spoke about support for me as I believe he will explode temper wise and come back to the house! I have no confidence in the police due to something which happened to a friend where the police took half an hour to reach her and she had a panic alarm!
      I want to protect my daughter who is adorable and I have shielded her from all this but she is getting to an age where she understands more plus I do not want her taken from
      Me as she is my
      Life! X
      I am so sad this is how my life is, I feel unattractive-under valued and constantly put down due to not bringing any money in 😢

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