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Hello everyone,
Over christmas my situations seems to be getting worse. He likes to move me away from any means of escape while he gets emotionally heavy. He likes to restrain me by doing it in a loving way, holding my hand, cuddling me, pressing his body against me, resting his head on me while he makes me lie down in bed. I’ve never tried to move away because I know he would not let me move away. I tried a few days ago. He was holding me and calling me a liar etc. I pushed him off me and I had to be quite forceful. He accused me of hitting him. He wouldn’t let me leave the room. I wanted to call the police but there was no way I could get to the phone. I’ve just noticed that it always happens in a way that I can’t call for help. I shouted get off me really loud. My neighbours must have heard but no one called for help. Two of my kids were downstairs. I don’t know if they heard. I haven’t the heart to ask them. Past couple of days he’s beening doing it and I don’t try to get away anymore, not after being accused of hitting him. But today, at the end of all his brainwashing he said something very disturbing in a joking sort of way. He said if I can’t forget the things that happened in the past, he has a new drill and will make me forget by drilling a hole through my skull to get it out. I didn’t know what to make of it. Is it a joke or an actual threat.
I have been planning to get away for a while, but I spoke to an outreach worker who was telling me I had to have proof of abuse to get legal aid to protect myself and my children. But I don’t have proof. There is no way I can record anything he says as he would look at my phone if I was holding it. I could not hide it on my person. I can’t get an appointment at my GP to tell them. They only know somethings, but not all the horrible things I can’t sometimes say without shaking. I keep my children close to me to protect them so that is sometimes why I can’t say something cos they will hear it. In the past he has told me to kill him or stab him. He’s even accused me of poisoning him. This time he’s turning it on to me. Him doing things to me. I’ve been told if I can’t prove anything, nothing can be done about. All I seem to have is sleepless nights and wake up shaking when I do get a few hours of sleep. Am shaking right now. I feel sick and feverish most of the time. I’m afraid to sleep incase something happens to my kids because I’ve made him angry.
My escape plan has been set back a few weeks because I have to have things in place to protect my cat and my kids. If he can laugh about doing something like that to me then he won’t think twice about hurting my daughter’s pet cat.
For the time being I am just trying to keep him calm so he won’t realise anything.
I’m so tired, I think I might end up in a mental hospital. If it weren’t for my kids I would have given up long ago. Sorry Lisa, if there is too much info, I just wanted to know if I’m being paranoid or if what he said is disturbing. -
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Threatening you, even in a questionably jokey way is NOT acceptable.
Make an appointment with your GO ASAP, tell them what’s going on, how long it’s been going on, and that you’re suffering from intense natural stress. Use that document in as a letter from your GP, take it to local citizens advice & council and see if they suggest you register for homeless on grounds of Domestic Violence.
From now on keep your mobile in your person, in your pocket at all times. If you feel threatened step outside and call 999 for police. They will make an incident report. You can call them when your husbands not around to register a complaint to help keep you safer without threat of harm from him. I’m not a counsellor but I am seeking help for my situation recently.
Above all stay safe and if you feel threatened take your children to a public place like a grocery store and call 999.
I sincerely hope you get out safe and soon x -
You are doing the right thing by pretending all is ok so he doesn’t realise anything. They are at their most dangerous when we are trying to leave when they feel their control is slipping. So pretend. They pretend and fake it all the time. We have to copy that part of their behaviour to keep ourselves safe.
What he said to you is horrible and violent words. verbal abuse. Its how he thinks and he says it to put you in fear and make you uneasy. the only thing is words are easy to utter. Saying he will pit a drill in your skull is easy to say for him. For him to carry it out he will have to risk losing his freedom spending time in jail etc. He probably wouldn’t take the risk. I’m just discussing this in detail to take some fear out of his words. Do keep your mobile on you at all times so you know what to do if he starts any antics.
I’m sorry you feel so tired. The exhaustion due to living with them is so hard and its hard to keep up with any plan. You are dealing with a lot please keep posting. Does he make a fuss if you visit any friends/family, if not you could go visit and take to the bed and catch up on sleep. Let everything go (house etc) except care of the kids and rest, take to the bed if its possible. Is he always around? Sleep is your priority at the moment and posting on here so you can maintain your strength.
I would email your outreach worker and your gp the threat about the drill and the the things he is doing restraining you against your will etc (exactly what you’ve written in this post). It will be down in writing then and they may be compelled to support you more in getting free from him.
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Hi
I’m just wondering if he ever sends anything via email or text etc ? The police can get back any deleted messages too. If you can find a safe way to keep a diary that would be good so you can detail every incident even the small ones are important as it builds up the story / history of his behaviour and the turning it around on you playing a clever game.
Have you heard of the ncdv? They can help with legal action even if you have to do it yourself tthey help draft statements etc I rang them years back over my ex husband . They hopefully still do that and you can have a mc kenzie friend with you such as your out reach worker.
I think the replies above are right take it as a threat is better to overreact than Under. We need to protect ourselves best we can.
X
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Thank you, ladies for all your support. It makes me feel a little stronger when someone can understand how I’m feeling.
He doesn’t really do emails and txts, just really emotionally charged ones every once in a while declaring his undying love. I try not to respond to them because then it becomes non stop texting.
He doesn’t really like me talking to other people, I have to visit my family discretely. I have to be careful talking to other women because he can turn up at anytime, putting them in danger as once he identifies someone, he will follow them around. He tried to do that to a health visitor once, when my youngest was a baby. She knew the situation at home but was reluctant to believe me until this incident happened.
To get myself out of the house, to retain some sanity, I do volunteer reading at the my kids school and I’m part of the (detail removed by moderator) But even all this I do in secret because he would find a way to spoil it for me. I have limited amount of time when I can do things and getting help in my community is hard because of how conservative the area is. Even the teachers at the school are very judgemental to say the least.
I’ve found a great free online diary site called monkkee. It lets you backdate entries for free so I will be using that instead of a paper diary.
As for keeping my phone on me, he accuses me of txting men and hiding it from him. If I leave it lyig around, he will go through it and start calling people. Two of my contacts have changed numbers recently because of nuisance calls. I know it’s because of him because my youngest mentioned he was going through my phone. He will question evey call I get on the landline and mobile so now my mobile phone is always on silent and notifictions turned off because of how he will react. The man has no shame, he even once asked my children when they were very young if I had a boyfriend, to which my eldest said “no,you do!”
I have to grab small moments of joy with my children because even that is unacceptable to him. Everything has to always be about him, all the attention has to always be focused on him.
Thank you ladies for your support and advice, it has helped a great deal. X
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The evidence of the health visitor and of your friends who have had to change their numbers sound like pretty solid pieces of evidence that he is abusive. And that he is dangerous. If the school is aware that things aren’t right too then that will probably count in your favour too, even if they are judgemental not supportive. I know that you say it is a conservative area, but it still seems likely that they are judging you more for not leaving him than for being a poor wife – that’s the most common judgement passed on women by people who don’t understand the dynamics of abuse (including myself until I realised that I had actually spent years in an abusive relationship without realising it).
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There is a section in the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker about jokes. He is a crime/violence expert and says whenever he has a client he listens very carefully to any jokes they make as he says they are always revealing. He gives the example of a company who got targeted by the ‘uni bomber.’ He said one of them received a parcel and ‘joked’ that it looked like a bomb and said he didn’t want to be around when it exploded then walked off to a different part of the building. The parcel was actually a bomb, exploded and killed his colleagues, and he survived. Gavin says it will have been something subconscious that the man picked up but his conscious mind didn’t take it seriously, but the subconscious was right.
One of the things that really terrified me when I started to realise I was in an abusive relationship was all of his ‘jokes’ which I started to replay back in my head. He joked about killing me, hiding my body, joked about domestic violence, was always ‘joking’ about how he wanted me to go down to his cellar. I also realise I had joked about weird stuff while I was with him, jokes I wouldn’t normally say and I think it was my subconscious picking up strange things about him that I noticed and ws trying to play down and rationalise.
I realised with horror after I left that ‘the truth was in the jokes.’ His weird creepy scary ‘jokes’ were actually the REAL him, but I thought he was joking about this stuff because it was the opposite of who he was. It was like the twilight zone when I realised he was an exact mirror flip of who I thought he was – evil instead of good.
Listen to any jokes, write them down and take them seriously. It is awful that he is restraining you like that, my ex used to get annoyed if I went to the gym and lifted weights and started to go himself as he didn’t want me to get ‘too strong.’ I always wondered if he had planned on overpowering me in some sadistic way at some point. Thank god I didn’t stick around to find out. Well done for making a plan and including your cat, I absolutely hate the thought of abusers hurting animals. Keep going.
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If you have to be sneaky or cautious to visit your family and friends, He’s definitely isolating you- which is abuse. If he tries to rake away your joy because of his irrationalities, insecurities and jealousy’s – that’s abuse.
The fact that he’s asking questions about you to the children means he’s implicating, possibly manipulating and using them- I would say that coercion and abuse to minors.
All are very serious. Do get letters from GP, harassed friends and school saying your living in a domestic violent situation. This evidence can be used at local council for help. Talk to Rights for women legal as well. Call in a family or friends phone if you need to -
The school don’t know about the abuse. My children are very bright and well behaved so they’re not high on the list of priorities for them. Most of the children at my kids school have issues in themselves or at home. I don’t trust the school after an incident when my middle child was hurt in nursery. They turned round and called my daughter a liar and accused me of hurting her. Her father blamed her, said it’s her own fault for not speaking up. The fact that she was dazed and dizzy did not come into play. Since then my daughter is very quiet in school, only talks when asked a question. She has been bullied and kept quiet about it and I only came to know because my eldest witnessed it. A TA actually said it’s because she was quiet like she was justifying the actions of the bully. The school has since become an academy and has a new head but I have witnessed teachers trying to manipulate children when complaints are made.They have a very low opinion of the parents in my area. And I’m sorry to say, that the judgement is that I’m a bad wife. Part of the reason I volunteer at the school is for my children’s safety and wellbeing. My middle child only talks to me, her sisters and one of my friends. She may speak to one of my brothers when she’s in the mood.
At the moment, I’m worried about how I will manage after I’ve left. I don’t trust anyone to look after my children and keep them safe. I have tried so hard to get help for my daughter but all I get from doctors is that she’s shy and I’m paranoid and over protective. It makes me scared to think someone might her my daughter and she won’t tell anyone.
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