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    • #131911
      phileine
      Participant

      Hi everyone

      I’m in a mess, very nervous about communicating with others about my situation but if I don’t get some help soon I will go under. Pleased to have found you.

      Issues I struggle with

      Is it abuse – i know he is controlling but is it abuse? Is it bad enough to leave a long marriage for (it is for me). Does it matter? Can I ask for help and refuge when it’s not that bad and lots of people have it much worse ?

      Lying and secrecy is really freaking me out, the fact that I have to be deceitful in doing this stresses me out so much I can hardly breathe. Ir is it the fear that he will catch me out and find out what I am doing and then lock me up for the rest of my life?

      I am permanently watched and monitored, so have very few and rare opportunities to actually pack a few things and leave. One coming up (detail removed by Moderator), am I ready?

      How do I prepare – I am very rarely on my own and he monitors my email account (not this one). I can’t make or receive phone calls without him knowing. And I can’t go anywhere again without justifying where I’m going (and he also knows where my car is and where my phone is because of tracking – we both have this and I can’t take it off without it being suspicious)

      After I have left, what next? I can go to a hotel, but what after that ? What will I live on – I have no independent income, it is all from our joint businesses? Where will I go ? I will be homeless.

      What will I say to our son (grownup and moved away from home). He adores his dad – will he ever speak to me again ? What will I say to anyone else, to the outside world my husband is a really great guy, helpful, kind, generous. No one will ever suspect seeing us together that we are anything other than a very happy and lucky couple.

      Have to log out now before he gets back

      Take care everyone

    • #131945
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi Phileine,

      I’m so glad you have reached out and managed to post on here. I can give you some ideas to help with your concerns.

      Coercive or Controlling Behaviour (CCB) is a form of abuse and for many ladies it’s the worst form because it is done in a very clever way, which is why most of us question if it’s abuse and start to think it’s us that is going mad! The legal definition of it is below

      “Controlling or Coercive Behaviour in an intimate or family relationship which causes someone to fear that violence will be used against them on at least two occasions; or causes them serious alarm or distress which has a substantial adverse effect on their usual day-to-day activities.”

      Is it bad enough to leave a long marriage? Only you can answer that. Anyone can leave a marriage if it no longer makes them happy, it does not have to be an abusive marriage for you someone to want to leave.

      From what you have described, I do not believe that you can properly plan an ‘escape’ to leave your husband. His close monitoring of you leaves you too open and at risk of him learning of your plans and either scuppering them, or harming you so that you cannot leave. Not all leaving can be done by plans, some do have to be done by opportunity.

      With regards to what you tell your son and other people… don’t worry about that side of things just yet. Just take one step of the journey at a time and deal with that immediate part.

      I will private message you with some further ideas of how you can leave.

      If neither of the options are for you then you may have to take the chance that is coming up and just leave and go to a hotel. Book a couple of nights there but don’t tell anyone where you are. You can let your son know you are safe and that you have gone away for a few days for whatever reason you wish to tell him, and he can let his Dad know you are safe (so your husband doesn’t report you to the police as missing.) You can then use this time to speak to Domestic Abuse support services, and/or the police, and get some further information. You may be able to seek emergency funding from the Council in the short term for some benefits until a proper settlement is done regarding joint finances and you get what you rightly deserve.

      Please don’t look at the situation as a ‘whole’ at the moment. Leaving is a journey and the path is not always clear from the start, but it does start to clear as you go along it, sometimes it takes unexpected turns – and these can be for the better.

    • #131948
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Further to the above. If you take the opportunity to leave then leave your mobile phone at home when you do and take a taxi. If he is tracking your phone and car then you will not be safe. I know that will be hard for you but if you take either of them you are defeating the object (unless you know how to turn the one on your phone off / delete the App and you know where the tracker is on the car and can remove it.) Don’t call the taxi company from your phone either as he could ring them (he’ll probably get the call history from itemised bills) and ask them where they have taken you to.

    • #131955
      TiaMaria
      Participant

      Hi there,
      I of course second all of the above, it is very good advice. Another option: do you have a friend you could stay with whilst you work things out? As they said above, leave anything with tracking behind.

      My heart goes out to you as I read what you have written. What is happening to you is terrifying and I would advise getting out of there as fast, and as safely, as possible. This abuse is very serious.

      I would definitely contact a domestic abuse helpline to get advice on how to leave. It could even be an option to get the police to come and escort you as you leave to ensure your safety – you may want to speak to them and see how they can help. You could ask to use a friend’s phone to do this.

      All the other questions: think about them later. Again, as said above, take this one step at a time.

      We are here for you. You are not alone.

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