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    • #49960
      Apples
      Participant

      HiThis is my first post on these boards having only recently realised the great extent to which I can identify with some of the subjects and posts on here.
      I have only fairly recently been able to recognise my experiences and treatment by my husband as being abusive although I am still battling g with self doubt and self blame and striving to please him – however i have read about the cycle of abuse and realised that the pattern of our relationship falls into this cycle.
      When I first met him he was kind and loving and I was quite besotted with him, as well as being intruiged. I was recently divorced and this man was everything my ex was not as well as being from a very different country and culture. Our sex life was amazing and we enjoyed each others company – we married and had a handful of children. Here began the problem…Giving birth meant I was tired and consumed with each child as they came along and our sex life soon dwindled. Now over the years I have noticed the pattern that when he has sex daily or several times a day he treats me very well and is kind and onsiderate, however if we do not have sex for more than one or two days he begins to become moody and hostile. He then begins to ignore me and pressure me into sex – if I continue to say no, for example, if I’m tired or ill, he will begin to be extremely histile, refuse to do anything in the house, complain about our lifestyle and ignore me and be hostile to our children.
      In these periods I feel like I am treading on eggshells, feel huge relief when he is at work and dread him coming home, fearing what mood he will be in. He has only ever punched me once about (detail removed by Moderator) years ago when our daughter was ill hence no sex (she was critically ill). Usually he will be verbally hostile, ignore me, undermine me, especially to the children and withhold money from me as well as sleeping all day. He also masturbates during the day time and at night in bed or on the settee in the evening and gets angry if the children disturb him and angry at me because, his justification is, that he is married and should not have to masturbate.
      We have discussed this in better days and his culture and Muslim religion (I am not muslim) have raised him to consider it his wife’s duty to be available for sex when her husband needs and when I have asserted my right to say no he finds this wrong and unreasonable.
      I often find myself letting him have sex just to appease him and because I know he will treat me better if I let him. The problem is he needs it once a day or preferably more and as a mother to five children, doing a degree and working, I Have other priorities. If I relent to let him have sex, I do not feel any pleasure and nor does he attempt to give me any, life has become all about him having his ‘needs’ met and everything else is secondary to these needs.
      Most mornings and evenings I have been pretending to be asleep and darent move as if I move near him he begins an hour long process of pressing himself against me and then, even though he thinks I’m asleep, having sex with me. If I complain or say no I know he will be moody and hostile all day so usually I just let him get on with it while he thinks I am asleep.
      So (detail removed by Moderator) ago a threatening situation arose – ive been under investigations for (detail removed by Moderator) which has meant hospital admissions and feeling very tired so we haven’t had sex for a week or so. I was then involved in a car crash which my daughter and I were hurt but nothing broken. (detail removed by Moderator) I was in hospital for a procedure which required sedation – on arriving home after this he left me alone and on his return told me, to cut a long story short, that he was waiting til my last scan this week and he has been planning to split up with me but did not see why he should leave our home and I should leave but he is kicking me out not the children.
      I was feeling more vulnerable than usual and this filled me with horror as I am the children’s primary carer, he has very, very little to do with them and does not have a close or stable relationship with them – they would be horrified to stay with him!
      However we are renting our home and to my dismay I found out only his name is on the tenancy agreement. I’m now terrified he can throw me out – he has also told me he has being recording when I sleep ( which I have been but only when the children sleep and are cared for, owing to my fatigue from my illness ). I am shocked as this is a man who contributes little to the finances of his children, does not socialise with them, contributes little to the house or family yet is suggesting I leave him with the children.
      In a week where I have had three hospital admissions abda car crash, I’m feeling unsafe, scared to confront him and scared of ky future and my children’s and my home being secure.
      In an ideal world he would leave us as I am use. To and enjoy looking after and organising the children on my own and we are all very happy until he comes home. However I feel he has all the rights and he is trying to exert them – I feel like an animal stuck in the headlights and don’t know what to do …. also bring a soft person I feel the guilt too. Any advice is so welcome and thank you if you have read this far x

    • #49966
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi there Apples,

      Welcome to the forum and I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through, your husband sounds incredibly selfish and it sounds like he is sexually assaulting you/raping you on a regular basis. I am so sorry to hear that on top of his abusive behaviour you are dealing with serious illness, exhaustion and now his threats to kick you out.

      I recommend ringing the national domestic abuse helpline which is open 24 hours, it is staffed by wonderful women who will be able to help you put a plan in place. There is also an organisation called Rights of Women who should be of help, as well as CAB and I’d also contact your local council about housing, because one option would be to leave him when he is not expecting it and going into either a council property with your children or a private property where you are supported by housing benefit depending on your situation.

      See what the other ladies say but I would also consider going to the police (after you have sorted out housing) to report him for sexual assault/rape. It will help to have noted down the times he does it and any details to be used as supporting evidence. Also log it with your GP and seek their support.

      It is absolutely awful how you are being treated, he is completely in the wrong and you should not have to live like this and do not deserve it at all so please seek all the help you need.

    • #49969
      KIP.
      Participant

      That sounds so much like my ex. It’s not about the sex it’s about that fact that you are saying no to him. My ex used to pester me for sex for hours, keeping me awake when he knew I was exhausted. Then he couldn’t perform. It’s about the control he has over you more than the actual act of sex. Can you move out with the children and take a tenancy in your own name. Do not tell him you’re doing this as they become more dangerous when they know we want to leave. You have more rights than you think. He will lie and use the children to keep you there but you have an absolute right to walk away and have no contact with this man. He can use a third party. He has punched you once which is illegal in itself but will use the Fear this causes you to control you. Even the threat of violence is powerful. Ring the helpline number on here but I would secretly be looking for somewhere with my children. Abusers are liars so check out the true facts with a solicitor and with women’s aid and CAB. Abuse always gets worse. I escaped that life and you can too. The rape crisis helpline is a great source too x

    • #50169
      Apples
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your replies – haven’t been able to answer as life a has been tough and he has been making verbal threats to make my life harder than I can imagine – intermittently sending nice messages in between when he is at work but being very hostile when face to face at home.
      I have looked into his behaviour and have realised that what I think is going on is coercive control – the cycle of abuse applies 100% and he goes from being needy and insecure to very hostile and threatening, as well as manipulating my children against me and finding out that he has told them I am attention seeking after my car accident last week in which I was injured.
      I’ve also found out he is doing some form of ‘black magic’ and have been advised by a friend who reads Arabic that it is a form of a curse with the intention to bring harm to the house.
      I’m very low right now with being severely anaemic, several hospital admissions, a blood infection from an emergency cannulation on the roadside (from the crash) and yet am being threatened that I will lose my home, no financial help or help with the children and ongoing hostility, walking on eggshells when he is around …. I have rang helpline but call backs never get through and I can’t figure why. I am reading about my rights etc but it takes so much courage to bring this to a higher level ie the police. I just want a quiet life with my children who are my world but at the same time a line had been crossed. . Feeling very confused, scared and stuck right now 😥

    • #50170
      Apples
      Participant

      Just to add – I have also been to my GP and told her my situation so it’s on my records so making very small steps which feeling as I’ll ad I do is all I can cope with now but I’m so scared of what he has up his sleeves in terms of the threats he is making – I feel like he is being advised by someone who only has his side of the story and is encouraging him to be as mean as possible.

    • #50174
      KIP.
      Participant

      The meanness comes directly from him. He knows exactly what he is doing. He is a dangerous abuser. Keep trying the helpline or find your local women’s aid. Read ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. These men don’t change. I got no sympathy or help when I was sick. In fact he actually saw my weakness and abused me more.

    • #50199
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      Hi Apples,
      Sorry to hear about all your troubles. You must be exhausted. I find the nervous tension so tiring, worrying about what he’s Upto all the time. That’s part of the reason I’m still with mine. I’m putting my plans together to leave bit by bit. I think The other ladies are right you need to keep reaching out to the helplines and organisation who can give you the help and advice and support you need. 5 children are tiring, so is anaemia, so is worrying about what he’s doing. Have you got any family or friends who could help? Even if you can only tell them about your anaemia having a little help so you can rest might help. Take care

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