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Hi, me again, i’ve posted a few times and really grateful for your replies, even if I haven’t replied, sorry, the days are a blur of exhaustion as the abuse is getting worse. This is emotional abuse but it is definitely changing. Can anyone give tips on how to respond, what to do, I just need to get through the next few weeks? I’ve contacted my IDVA but shes busy and said she cant talk this week, I do see a counsellor but she’s good but doesn’t have domestic abuse experience specifically. I am seeing a solicitor soon, appointment booked but not sure how to get through this as it is escalating even though he doesn’t know anything about my plan to end this.
This morning the kitchen was a bombsite, I’m trying to get kids ready and myself ready to get out of the door by a certain time. I got back late the night before with one child. Nothing was cleared up from the day before, or breakfast, dirty laundry every where, food out, it was a mess, litter tray full. I just said it would be nice if he could tidy up a bit because it makes it easier in the morning (I wasn’t angry, I didnt nag, just a question) and he went mad and started saying i was bullying him, over and over again, in front of the children. This has been his reaction for the last few days whenever I speak, he accuses me of abusing him, even if Im asking a question like is there any milk? Then he said he was ill and I didn’t care. Was the first Id even heard of it. On and on that I am abusing him, I should be careful, he’s going to record me, he even did the other day. I’m wondering if its something to do with the news and Caroline Flack.
Problem is I’m suddenly asking myself am I an abuser? Is this all my fault? Help! I don’t know how to get through this with young children, nowhere to go, no friends to land on. I just need to get through a few more weeks. How do I? I try to walk away but have young kids, so its not that easy in our house to get away from him. The crazy weather makes it hard to get out, I dont have a car. Any tricks on speaking to someone like this, he’s doing it in front of my kids so it makes it hard, I don’t want them to absorb that I am an abuser and a bully so I feel I have to protest but then that gives him more to accuse me of.
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He is abusing you quite severely. I had decades of this in front of my children stuff. If I walked away he would follow me, screaming and frothing at the mouth and banging doors. If I tried to defend myself he got up in my face, increasing it, poking me hard on the breasts whilst the children stared round eyed in the background. Blank out what he says as he is saying it, it is b******t, with no foundation. Write every incident down. Because you will forget, that is how the mind works to protect us, we quickly learn to pass it over. Expect an onslaught of caring or normal behaviours from him which will make you SO relieved and you will breathe a sigh of relief and be totally loved up until he does it again. This is how the cycle of abuse goes.
You must make a plan to escape. Keep trying to get advice locally. (Or online). Tell your doctor and get a written record on your medical file. Ask to see the local DV officer at the police station. Confide in a trusted other person. Focus on money and start putting some away of possible. Imagine him behaving like this to some one you love- is is right or wrong? Is it abuse?
I hope this helps. You do not have to take this.xx -
My husband and kind of acknowledges he had a fiery temper to start with but he says he has calmed down over the years and now I am the one who has the problem.
He is opinionated, doesn’t listen, speaks over me, walks out on me, insists I have to listen to him but won’t then listen in return. I eventually flip – and so I am the one with the problem.
I have learned that whatever he is accusing me of is probably what he himself is guilty of.
Read “why does he do that”. You will recognise a lot I am sure!
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@Cecile – I didn’t know about the DV officer at the police station, IDVA never mentioned it. Can I go in and talk to them? Sometimes I wonder if I should call them and I say it out loud and he laughs at me and says they won’t be interested “What are you going to do? Tell them you were complaining again?” And then I think ok, they’re probably busy with serious physical violence situations and I don’t want to waste their time with a “domestic spat”… what do you think? Should I just go and ask them? When it’s not a crisis situation?
@headspinning – yes! Exactly the same! I have flipped and then he acts like his vindicated, he sort of calms down like I’ve given him a fix! It’s really really weird… and frightening. -
Yes please speak to your local domestic abuse police. They can help you with options. Like a non molestation order or an occupation order. It’s good to let them know he’s escalating in case you need to ring them or he makes up c**p if you have to call them. Apart from not being in his company there’s not much you can do to prevent his abuse. Definitely keep a journal and if you can record it secretly. I did and it was used in court.
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Evan Stark is the guy who first wrote about coercive control- the aspects of domestic abuse through which the abuser exercises abuse and control by not just violence but enforced rules, cognitive control/mind control, using other tactics, use of isolation, degrading and depersonalisation alienation of the victim. What you are experiencing is this in early form it would seem from what you have said. It is very serious.
Stark also talked about women having a safe place to go to to stay sane, like a room, or a journal, or a walk, or a corner, or an online communication. Here the abuser cannot access her and is never present and this is the safe spot. If you cant identify one, then create one. A secret journal can help you write down your thoughts and maintain your identity. What seems strange and overpowering from these violent idiots is actually just thuggish playground bullying behaviours inflated to grown ups size. Much like giving a toddler a machete, it is very dangerous. Please read ‘why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft and have a look at YouTube on coercive control topics. Make sure your online presence is secure and inaccessible. Start lining up your ducks, go to the police, women’s aid, GP. If its written down it is real. xx -
Thank you @Cecile. I read the Lundy book a few weeks ago and felt physically sick. It was all so true. I can’t quite believe I’m living this nightmare. I’m going to see if I can see the domestic abuse advisor at the police tomorrow. I feel because I haven’t had to call the police when it comes to endimgbit no one is going to believe me and my diary of incidents – how do they know I haven’t made it all up? I’ve got recordings. I have been to the GP. Maybe it’ll be ok. It’s beginning to consume everyday life. I can’t think straight most of the time, especially when he’s around. The crazy making is something else. I laughed out loud this evening at him, it was so crazy, he didn’t like it. I should be careful I guess.
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