Scared confused and alone

[LozzyX]

Hi all

After what I thought was a positive step on (detail removed by moderator) contacting the national helpline , I now feel all alone again and I can’t do this…
The helpline advised me to contact my local WA branch … So finally had time away from office and home to do this today… It did help talking but all they could do was advise of their drop in service (which is during working hours) and signposted me to another charity for counselling

But I am so terrified and trapped now…. Things will kick off in a bad way any time now… I sounded calm and collected when i spoke to the local branch .. but I did say this is because I am in a busy public place on my lunch break so doing my absolute best to hold it all together…. But really inside I am screaming for help and feel petrified.

He is not physically abusive but the emotional and verbal abuse when he disagrees and really determined to get what he wants (money for his drug habit) it gets extremely tense … And it’s got to a really serious point with his addiction now that I am scared what else he might do … He’s already dragged my elderly mum into the situation

I said to the woman at local branch I really need help with actually planning how to leave …. I agree counselling will help but what about actually leaving . I don’t need refuge accom i am sure I can find somewhere to stay for a bit … So it meant they couldn’t really help … Unless I guess could try the drop in but will lose even more time at work (behind in my hours )

I feel I am running out of options and just got this awful churning in my stomach 🙁

[Twisted Sister]

Hi there LozzyX

I know the fear too that is sufficient to freeze you to complete inaction.

I would call the helpline for their safety and planning advice. If they are saying that this is what the drop-in service provides I am sure they will understand there are many that cannot come to a drop in but can get telephone contact.

Are you able to do some longer days to build your hours at work (and be away from him longer!)so then you would be some hours to get to the drop in where I’m sure they would safety plan with you, or what else are they there for, if not to help in such a situation and anything around keeping safe and the effects/practical advice and support for you?

Keep posting and stay safe use us and them to gather your strengths and make your choices.

Warmest wishes ts

[LozzyX]

Thanks twisted sister, I guess just having moments of panic now. Annoyingly due to what his behaviour has done for my mental health I really have fallen behind with my hours and it’s hard to make them back but I could knuckle down now and at least try make them up into credit this week to take a couple of hours off next week and go the drop in for some support … And if it all hits the fan before then I will call them for telephone support.

I am just starting to really feel panic setting in. And I’m exhausted . Last night I just slept from about 7pm I couldn’t wake up to start packing or anything , just slept and slept and struggled to wake up again for work today…hence always going in late and falling behind

My husband also makes me feel guilty if I work late which doesn’t help.

On top of all this (detail removed by moderator).. So that too has compounded things and my energy has just been totally zapped!

[Tiffany]

Be so very glad you don’t have children with this man. It would make it infinitely harder to leave – logistically and emotionally.

The stress of leaving will honestly probably make you unwell. It did for me. The only upside to this is that it is therefore totally justifiable for you to take sick leave to recover and sort things out.

Practically, you just find somewhere to live and move there. I rented a room from someone I met on the flatshare website Spareroom, because it was cheap and near work. Other people move in with family or friends temporarily (if he is keeping you from leaving by financial abuse, so you can’t get the money together for a deposit then you may have to do something similar).

If you can, then get your important stuff out the house before you leave. Can you start spiriting stuff away now? Have you got a friend with a garage or could you rent a storage space, or even keep things in your car? You could pretend you are having a clear out and move the stuff into your car boot, then just keep saying you haven’t had time to go to the charity shops and that is why it is still there. Obviously this only works if you have a car. But you could do the charity shop clear out ruse and then leave the stuff with a friend or in some kind of rented space – either your new living place, or a storage container. Once you have your vital stuff out and somewhere to live you just leave. It’s hard, but I found once I had sorted the practicalities that it was easier. I had somewhere to live. It would have been nuts not to go! Mad backwards logic, but it worked.

The other thing I clung to in this period was that it was ok to do what was best for me. I repeated it like a mantra until I started to believe it was true. Hope this all helps. You are doing ok. You can get out. It will happen. It will be ok. Just don’t tell him what is going on.

[LozzyX]

Hi Tiffany

Thank you for your advice. Couple of things are easy like moving my important paperwork and spare bag of clothes to a relative’s that’s doable – we work opposite shifts so would do it then.

But other stuff hard to work out ..I pay all the mortgage and household bills.. so if I leave he will just default and it will wreck my credit rating and chance of ever owning home again I’m sure.

I could stay with family for a very short while…

But other issue is my dog. He has behavioural issues so can’t be temp housed with other dogs , and my only dog lover friend who he would be suitable living with cannot house him at the moment , not until after Xmas !!! So I was trying to hide my time until she can have him for a bit so I can move out stay with my family n know my dog is safe and looked after…

It just feels like too much… I know once the house is sold I’d be free to buy a small little house for me and the dog and I’ll be free and so so so much happier… It’s just how to get to that point is the difficult bit!

[LozzyX]

Also having a dog makes renting options really limited and I can’t afford to do that and continue paying the mortgage at same time … Urghh it’s just so annoying that it’s basically just financially I’m stuck… Tied to the house and also married to him

[freedomtochoose]

hello lozzy.
there comes a point, believe me, when you have to ditch home, work, dog etc as hard as it may be.
You will be safer in refuge. If you go to relatives they will probably not be able to cope and support you.
This is a harsh thing to be thinking but believe me the moment you are safe you will sleep better and be able to tackle all else.
I’m sorry to say this, but he is not physically agressirve now, but sounds like he will be.
If you are not safe, you can forget home, bank account, mortgage and all the rest of it. Let it all go now, and prioritise your safety and wellbeing.
Sorry to sound so harsh but that is how it is.
all best
ftc
x

[Tiffany]

That does make it harder, but it isn’t insurmountable. I would leave the paperwork and the bag of clothes at in a safe place to start with anyway, incase your planning doesn’t work out and you end up fleeing without a plan. Obviously you hope this doesn’t happen, but if it does, it is going to be easier if you have your ID, information on your accounts so you can cancel bills to limit the debt your partner wracks up in your name etc.

I would seek advice urgently on your legal position – Rights for Women, which is a legal aid helpline are probably going to give you the most accurate advice. The Citizens Advice Bureaux might also be able to help with advice on the financial side of things. Women’s aid can give advice more tailored to the domestic abuse side of things. And you can also go straight to a solicitor about how you go about divorcing him and separating yourself from him financially. Apparently most solicitors will do a free initial half hour consultation.

Practically, if you leave and the bills are in your name you can cancel them so that you don’t have to pay for them and it will be up to him to sort it if he wants heating/telly/electricity. Obviously the mortgage is more complicated and you will need advice. Also, if you have a joint bank account, make sure you also have a personal account. When you split you do not want your money in a joint account! But once you have gone you can get a joint account frozen so that he can’t put you into debt. You will need him to agree to take your name off the account, but you can freeze it without his consent, so he can’t put you in debt. The mortgage is harder and you will need legal advice on that one. But again if you end up in the unfortunate position of fleeing without a plan you can limit the damage a little.

There is at least one charity which fosters the dogs of people who are fleeing domestic abuse – maybe Google it, or call women’s aid about it and see if it is a suitable dog option?

It may be possible to have your abuser removed from the property too. Again, talk to Women’s aid and Rights for women. This would also involve the police.

In the meantime keep any evidence that you can safely gather that he is abusive. If he ever sends you abusive messages in writing – via text or email, then save them somewhere safe. Possibly worth setting up a secret email account for this. If he bruises you then photograph it and save the photos. If it is safe to do so then record verbal abuse. Talk to your GP about the abuse so they have it on record. This will all help if you need to prove abuse later on.

Good luck.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi lozzy, dogstrust will happily take your especially if you mention the situation. They will let you visit too and they can even arrange to keep your pet until you get somewhere that allows pets. DT work alongside Claire’s Law and know how stressful things can get.
Hope this helps you a wee bit. Xx
IWMB 💕💕

[LozzyX]

Hi all … An update on my situation…

He knew he’d pushed it too far back in October and so has been charming and behaving himself lately .. until the odd alarm bell over last (detail removed by Moderator) weeks and then (detail removed by Moderator) found him in an absolute state out of his mind on drugs n booze , let family down massively (detail removed by Moderator)…

When came home (detail removed by Moderator) he asked if I’m leaving him and I said yes, that what he does makes me terribly unhappy and we both seem to make each other unhappy. He said ok that’s fine, he’s going to kill himself next week. Then went to bed all mopey feeling sorry for himself.

I didn’t even react. I’ve become numb to it all. So yes that’s how it’s ended (detail removed by Moderator).

My brother and his wife know I’m.leaving and I can escape to theirs if things turn nasty . I have some belongings packed and my.important papers , ID etc all sorted

Not yet sought legal advice… To be honest I’ve had so so much on
. My dad’s health has deteriorated very badly last (detail removed by Moderator) months so have had a lot on my plate…. But it’s taken the seriousness of my parents situation where I’ve needed my husband’s support the most , for him to still be so self centred and s****y , for.me to truly realise just how pathetic he is

I’ll.keep you posted on how it goes

Oh thanks too for advice on dogs trust such a relief to know. Also my brother has said my dog can stay with us there too and although it be a bit challenging with their dogs etc it still.is nothing compared to.living in this he’ll

[Autumnique]

Lozzy thank god you have family you can stay with. I know how you feel about the dog I have 3 and 2 are from abroad and until they came to me they had a life of hell and abuse. So it was hard to stay with relatives while I left him. Keep strong you can do this xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Lozzy, it’s good to hear from you, his threat of killing himself is an empty one and you reacted perfectly, gave him no feedback 🤗 my oh has been relatively nice since October too, he’s had a few moments, said a few hurtful things, they’ve washed over me, sometimes. I see what he’s doing now, this forum has helped open my eyes so much, and I’m so verra grateful to everyone who has spoken to me over the past few months. 💜💜

IWMB 💕💕

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Lozzy sorry to hear you are going through this at a time when you need extra support. You can’t rely on abusers for support as they lack empathy and only give when it suits them.
Have you talked through safety planning with WA. Be careful what you tell him as he could be unpredictable if he realises you are seriously considering leaving, especially with the drink and drugs. You will feel better once you are away from the negative energy.
Best wishes x

[LozzyX]

Thank you all of you for your support and advice

I haven’t sought exit advice yet as i stupidly convinced myself I would not be at any harm .. however I can see now really important to tread extremely carefully … I think there is a possibility he could flip…. He’s been switching between remorse and threats to kill himself then very agitated and argumentative in the night so this is quite worrying now . Will do absolutely everything in my power to stay safe

[KIP.]

Trust your gut. This is the most dangerous time for Women, when they try to end things. Threats of suicide is also very common. Yes, he’s getting desperate. Exactly like myex which ended in violence and his arrest. Regarding your home, a good solicitor can force the sale of the home using a court order and ask that his share of missed payments comes from any equity. Keep every shred of evidence you can. Paperwork, bank statements etc.

[LozzyX]

He did say (detail removed by Moderator) he has no where to go so he wouldn’t be moving out, if I wanted to leave our marriage it is me who has to go.

I am so regretting not filming him now from (detail removed by Moderator), passed out on the floor fully clothed and totally out of it .. it would be evidence . It stresses me out when I am at work or with my parents what he could be doing during this sort of stupor , burn house down with him and our dog in it ?!

The other things he has been doing lately are leaving his keys in front door so I am locked out , apparently always by accident , so I am left banging the door for ages and trying to call him to let me in … Usually takes 10-15 mins for a response but worried if one day it will be no answer at all – I suppose this can very easily be sorted with a new type of lock so I will be doing that asap – this may be a trigger for him though as I think now he does this to bide him time to hide any drug use before I can get in the house – signs of drug use have been returning for past few weeks and then hard evidence (detail removed by Moderator) (so wish I took photos now)

Sorry this is perhaps turning into a long rambling post I just feel the need to get all my thoughts out now before I head to work, very shattered not much sleep!

[Autumnique]

Hi Lozzy. Does he have any claim on the house? My ex didn’t do i was told to lock the doors when he leaves the house or change the locks when he left the house and ring 101 to tell them the situation in case he tried to get back in. My ex genuinely had nowhere to go either which was why I wasn’t going to leave until his next pay day but it got too bad so I left before. The police told me it was his problem if he was out on the streets. I do have a kind heart and didn’t want this for him but I’m afraid I had to xx

[LozzyX]

Sadly he has a huge claim to the house so uses this as a threat when he needs money etc but obviously he knows now I’d jump at chance of selling it so he changed tactic a couple months ago and went behind my back asking my parents for money instead .

[LozzyX]

The other tactic he uses to extort money from.me is debts to his drug.dealer.. that he is oh so scarry when he wants his money.. but this too shall now backfire on him as the guy is constantly hanging around with him like they are best mates now … So to hell with him … If he was so worried what would happen with getting into these debts he shouldn’t do it .
But I guess that’s addiction… He has taken out such a large loan recently too and promised this really was his wake up call.. so I am very disappointed to realise now that even that , plus lowering himself to asking my parents and family.members for.money, and risk of losing me, all of this hasn’t stopped him

He again threatened suicide (detail removed by Moderator)but I think he knows this threat isn’t working… Will do my best to get through to helpline later before I get home in case there’s anything that can advise at this stage

[LozzyX]

…sorry me again! The other thing I don’t get is when he really needs to control himself he can .. he can go to work and act fine, has a very well respected job… I mean what is that all about?!

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Lozzy, it’s like a functioning alcoholic, they can do normal when they have to. Keep strong you’re doing this. 💜
IWMB 💕💕

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Lozzy this must be exhausting for you having to deal with all this abusive behaviour and go to work.
Have you considered calling the police next time he threatens suicide, it might seem like an empty threat but some survivors exs actually did it . Let the police deal with it. He is emotionally and financially abusing you, and locking you out of your house and making you wait is out of order.
Also you can see how much control he has with his abuse as he can go off to his good job. Reminds me of the shock I got hearing
my ex chatting away and laughing on the phone as if nothing was wrong, after 5 days of total silent treatment and looking at me like a piece of sh.. Then I realised it was controlled and totally directed at us and wasn’t cos he was depressed or paranoid. Best wishes x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, I’ve just remembered that my solicitor said if he works they can financially afford to rent a place of their own. You can get an interim exclusion order which comes from a judge, ask about getting one. It puts him out of the house with the help of the police if needs be, doesn’t matter if he’s got a huge investment in the house.
Keep posting, keep getting the knowledge
IWMB 💕💕

[Iwantmeback]

My daughter recently got her boyfriend banned from seeing her and coming in to her street, this came after he kicked the door in that much she couldn’t open it to get out. Yours is locking you out, it’s against the law, have you been to your doctor. Let them know how his behaviour is affecting you, it’s another form of evidence, keep going you’re doing so well. It took me months to pluck up the courage to do that
IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

He’s running up debt in the marriage which you will be half responsible for. Get some good legal advice. At least legally separate finances. You won’t win with an addict. He loves his drugs more than even himself. Yes he can control himself. But he chooses to abuse you. Have you noticed how he only gets abusive when there are no witnesses. It was shocking for me to realise that he plans and chooses to abuse me because it gives him pleasure.

[LozzyX]

Thanks for the advice and frankly the kick up the a** I need…

Thank goodness for this forum and you wonderful people, I do feel I get that little bit stronger each time there’s trouble

Due to advice from you when I first joined a few months ago I have been keeping a journal . Not been so good at keeping daily log lately but still recording all the little incidents, issues , creeping red flags for a while now , and I’ve just sat here tonight , whilst he sulks in bed, and I’ve read through it and I cannot Arie with the evidence !!!! It is there staring back at me..
My mind actually blanked out a lot of it I actually forgot the more scary bits… He’s never hit me but he’s been aggressive and left me very shaken at times so yes… There is a real risk he could turn extra nasty

So now it’s time to really pull myself together and get the hell out … He will use our dog as a weapon but I’ll do all I can to keep him safe to

And yes, also thank you to your advise I did mention. To the Dr that it. Was largely due to the relationship as to why I’m depressed (have been on anti depressants for many months now) and that the mental health service I was referred to couldn’t help as they said it was relationship issues and recommended relate !!!! But I told Dr it’s women’s aid support I need not relate to fix our marriage. So she got what I was saying , not sure tho if she made any record of it.

Ok so my initial thoughts are when he is next at work (won’t say when but pretty soonish) , although he has been known to be sick quite often so it’s never definite, but when he’s at work I’ll take that chance and just leave me n the dog , leave a note that we will do everything through my solicitor ( I need to get one ! ) … I won’t tell him where I am – he doesn’t know where my brother lives thankfully they moved a while ago and as he pays no interest in them he’s never been to their new home and be is very c**p at knowing places anyway! … So yes my plan will be to flee… I feel pretty bad doing it that way… But just need to.keep reading my journal to remind me why it has to be this way.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Lozzy just a wee reminder that WA have their own solicitors. X
IWMB 💕💕

[LozzyX]

Well things are not going quite to plan. He’s not at work as had hoped, and took me by surprise as he is now very remorseful , I know I know , seen so many posts in here now to know they can all be very sorry, very upset and promise to change. He seemed so genuine. I have been with him for many years and never seen him like this. I was so honest I did say yes I am leaving him … He just broke down no violence at all… He begged me for another chance. But he knows now my boundaries and if they are ever crossed I am gone, not a threat it’s a promise – well that was in my.moment of weakness and still feeling love for him .

I am still planning to leave ready for his next big mistake and I’ll be gone whilst he’s at work/out.

I’ve ordered a new lock for the door which he has not argued against , so I can no longer be accidently locked out

I’ve basically laid down the law to him and what is what and he is accepting all of it .. and I have so much fire in my belly now to just up and go if he ever treats me so bad again and he really knows it now

I will still seek legal advice etc now as obviously the odds are stacked against this ever having a happy ending. I guess during this calm period it bides me a bit more time to leave in a more planned /safe way.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Lozzy, it’s been during this time of calm that I’ve been doing my planning and organising. I just don’t have the energy when he’s wicked. I will say though that the longer he’s being nicer, it’s getting more difficult for me to remember the scary times, even when I read what he’s done. The body truly does forget.(I’ve just downloaded that onto my kindle). I’ll probably need a situation to remind me🤔
I’ve also told my oh I’ll leave but when I’m ready to and not before, I think he thought I was messing, how little he knows me.
It’s definately better to do the planning when you’ve more time, but be prepared to feel really guilty about doing so as well.
IWMB 💕💕

[LozzyX]

IWMB I know what you mean about guilt I was getting flashes of guilt in the night but then reality kicked in again.

I think the emotional abuse has always been there and was never enough to make me leave, however this has ramped up and now along with the financial mess for so long now along with drug addiction is a huge wake up call for me.

It has just dawned on me that the mess he is in and the criminal activity of having a dealer dropping gear Round our house , not only jeopardises his job but mine too and I cannot have that (detail removed by moderator).

He has pulled rug from under me so many times and sadly it will happen again I just know it … So I am going to get my things and start to prepare to leave , perhaps maybe tell a few family members so it helps me go through with it and to have the support … Also in new year I have a friend who should be able to provide temporary foster home for my dog… I know that bit probably seems daft in midst of all this but I love my dog so so so much and it is paramount he is well looked after while i sort myself out.

Thank you IWMB for all your support and sharing your own experiences and thoughts at this time , and thank you all on this forum for the advice it has helped me so much x*x

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