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Hello and welcome. You’re in the right place. I think it may be helpful for you to contact the helpline especially if you’ve no one else to talk to. You know you can’t live like this anymore. I only fully realised what situation I was in after he attacked me. Prior to that he was manipulative, controlling, just plain evil. It took me being battered, going to court then reading and research to join the dots. I’m still not quite there yet but you definitely need advice.
I hope you can call them xx
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Hi
Thank you for your reply I was beginning to think no one was there either .
Oh I have been attacked strangled hot drinks thrown at me ect that doesn’t even hurt anymore. I just feel I am losing my mind I d.
I find this hard to put into words because maybe it is me everything I do is wrong everything I say is wrong I’m fat I’m ugly im old I’m a liar I spent the (detail removed by moderator) of marriage drifting deeper and deeper into myself . We married two months later his mum with (detail removed by moderator) moved in I took 24 hour care of her for two and half years which as been a nightmare I have (detail removed by moderator) myself and some days struggle to walk , he works away all the time then (detail removed by moderator) his mum got sectioned and my life as been unbearable .and in a weird way I feel lonely and lost because now I know he can treat me as he likes
I can’t explain but he cannot show any affection never ever held my hand doesn’t sleep with me he comes home maybe once every 6 weeks if I dare to say anything I’m fff needy we don’t have a sex life he says he’s tired he does work very hard and then he screams at me is that not enough after all what do I do nothing I’m lazy I do nothing apart from take take take .it appears to have a pattern when he has hurt me or been really disgusting he won’t say sorry EVER ( I always have to apologise and say it’s my fault)
Then he will buy me nice outfit ect the house is fully in his name and his ex wife whenever I do something wrong he removes all access to money car keys then tells me to get out he tells me that he hates me and why don’t I just get out.
When he buys me something I then get this bitterness and so d**n angry thrown at me everyday it’s like torture.
He is nothing like the man I met it’s like he was wearing a mask and as soon as we married bam I don’t have any independence I have no friends he tells me that’s because I’m vile
So a while ago I contacted the council they offered me a refuge I never took it however I have been on the waiting list for ages last week I got a letter offering me a bungalow well once I’ve passed all their checks .
They weren’t supposed to ever write here he found it I have been locked upstairs for two days but I managed to transfer the money from the joint account this time before he did.
Well now he is threatening to get me done by the police as everything is his he earns the money and I have no rights this weekend as been hell I have my dogs whom are the only thing I have and he noes days they are his and they are going he keeps screaming at them I tried to go down and get a drink he snatched the kettle told me I cannot use any electricity or gas or food bcos he pays the bills.
Now here is the weird bit I am petrified of leaving I cannot get my head round this at all I have nothing with him we don’t spend any time together ever when we do I end up in tears because he just puts me down I spend most of my life alone and crying but he is clever all his work colleagues everyone love him he portrays a totally different person because he earns a lot he will give them money pay for everything for them they all think I’m spoilt to death , so why am I so frightened to leave I wish I could explain it it-
Dear Tbear,
Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be.
Firstly, this isn’t you or anything you have done. He chooses to be abusive, it isn’t n********m. Abuse is thought about and calculated by the perpetrator, it isn’t a mental disorder. There is no justification for how he is treating you.
I am concerned that you have been locked upstairs for two days, you have mentioned very serious abuse. Abuse can escalate when a survivor tries to leave the relationship so your fear is not misplaced. If you feel at risk do call the police.
If it is safe to do so you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. It is available 24 hours a day.
Best Wishes,
Lisa
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TBear..welcome & firstly, we understand you, we know what your talking about. Be reassured that your not alone, and your talking our language.
If your read through some of the many posts regarding emotional physical and financial abuse you will find many ladies on here have been through this exact same type of abusive ‘relationship’.There a lot of help,out there, and it takes a bit of time to process what you have been through. Books and you tube regarding abuse and (detail removed by moderator) behaviour etc..loads of info to read…Pat Cravens The Dominator, Trauma Bonding, Hoovering,PTSD, are just some of the places that start to empower you about what’s been happening.
You can then begin your personal journey to freedom, each journey is different.
Dragonfly suggests ringing WA a good Advice they are experts ….things like counselling and ways to slowly move forward. Support is what you need practical and emotional.
Keep posting and start to read & talk about..about your real experience. We are here for each other just get it out on this s forum we are here, your not alone, life can change for the better, have hope and think about a better future life free from abuse.
Hugs
Cx
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Hi everyone thank you so much for your responses I’m sure it will get clearer in time , he has been on and on all day texting telling me how I’m a nothing ect ect ect and how horrible I am I eventually snapped and screamed at him through the door I just couldn’t take anymore I gave him the money back hoping this would stop him that’s all that matters but no till eventually I felt I was cracking up and just screamed that yes he’s right yes I’m all those things he has his money now leave me alone I felt sick and that I just needed him to stop . He then had taped me on his phone telling me that’s how crazy I am and he was getting the police to remove me . I’m still here it has all quietened down he has now done the how I can’t be trusted and he doesn’t want to see me again GOOD but I know him this won’t stop I feel weak and angry at myself for letting him win again but I literally cannot Cope with it I am weak .
I so want to take the councils offer but does this seem ridiculous I have no energy to even step outside this house let alone run then I panick how will I manage without a penny or any furniture what about bills I now have debts in my name I don’t have the money to pay for them I have a car but it’s on finance I cannot pay for it I haven’t worked for 3 years since looking after his mum I now am unable due to disability and severe depression I’m scared of the world -
hi hun
sending u massive hug, welcome to this site, u will meet so many lovely ladies who will share their story and try support u as much as they can, these men really can make u feel like you are mental, i remember the early days of my abusive partner, i just couldnt understand what was happening, it really can be frightening, these men really do push every button possible toget a reaction from us and act like they are the inoccent one, i personally would stop giving him any reaction, my ex wound me up mto ex and kept pushing and pushing his limits, in end i found only way to saurvive was to give no reaction, he was going to beat me up either way so i just took it as there was no way out, i got to point where i so no point in defending as he beat me up more , abuse they just shout endless, if u reply u get more and if u stay quiet u still get anyway and it confirms they are right, by staying quiet they think they are winning but by replying they get infused even more. Towards the end i played him at his own game, i took the abuse as bad as it was and i never let him know i was planning my escape, towards the last month i slip out was leaving end of month, he did two weeks nice treatment to make me think we could make it work, i knew it was trick and there was no more chances and just watched, the last two weeks were horrific and thats why i left at last min by chance not planned as my kids were away, that was my weakness getting kids out with me.
If u have a place offered at refguee , i urge u to take it, u will get a lot of support, u willthink clearera nd a support worker will guide u, u may feel there is no way out, we all felt like this but there truly is light at the end of the tunnel.
Sending u love , you can do this , if you can try and log abuse with gp so there is a record somewhere, it may help u later. As for telling police u r mental by recording u, do not allow him opportunity to record u again, but im sure police will be intrested to hear your side how u r been abusedd and locked up. MY ex tooi after beating me up phoned police to say I had beaten him up but he was been kind and decided not to take things further…. again these are all tricks and mind games of there, if he did call police that is your way out, if anything i would dare him to call police if you are so mental as longa s your safety is safe, do not take strangling lightly, mine used to choke me till i was about to collapse, now i am out i can see the seriousness of it, at the time i was just like im still breathing so im ok
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Hi Tbear i so hope u find it in you to take the councils offer which is the greatest fear leaving or living for the rest of ur life as you are now, there is help and support out there once u have left. He wants u to beleive u totally dependant on him, but once ur free u would be entitled to benefits ect join if u can a local support group and keep using the forum , i know it dosent feel like it right now but you are the strong one not him!!
Love and hugs thinking of you xx
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