31st January 2019 at 12:22 pm #71643StargirlParticipant
Hi, I posted once before a few years back when I was concerned that the put-downs, insults and aggressive behaviour I was experiencing by my partner was abusive. A few years have passed and we are now married (the illness of a family member brought this about) After research, I am certain that his personality is that of a n********t and I have become so scared for my situation that I am now too afraid to leave.
(detail removed by moderator) I discovered on his computer several videos of him in various sex acts with different girls dated from last year when we were married. He tried to say that they are from before our relationship but the clothes he had in the video were bought while with me. There is a whole other life that he is living and I have no idea who he is. I’m terrified of him and his irrational and unpredictable behaviour. He says if I try to leave him he will just get a better lawyer and I’ll lose everything. I don’t know what to do.
31st January 2019 at 12:45 pm #71644KIP.Participant
You’re going to need support. Start with women’s aid. Get good legal advice. If you can watch YouTube videos about narcissism. Then leave quietly when allyour ducks are in a row. As soon as He sense you’re leaving he will throw everything at you to discredit you. To make you look insane and to make himself look like the victim. So start keeping every piece of evidence you can. Give it to trusted friend. Abusers are liars. It comes naturally to them. Mine was a liar cheat and covert n********t. He was already talking to friends and family behind my back because he knew he was going to be exposed and wanted to keep his followers. Get an STI test too asap.
31st January 2019 at 4:55 pm #71667IwantmebackParticipant
Hi, as distasteful as it is, can you copy the videos and again send to another email account or someone you know and trust. Have you spoken to anyone at WA yet. If you can’t get through on the national helpline try your local one instead. Local ones tend to use a specific solicitor who specialise in DA. His threats of getting a better lawyer man nothing. Facts speak for themselves and no better lawyer can change the facts. Can you or have you journalled his behaviour, mind and include dates and times and where. Could you go to your doctor too and let them know what is happening. I agree about getting checked for sti, he’s being totally reckless and disrespectful to you. Also listen very carefully to what he accuses you of, it’s generally seen as a confession to what they are doing.
Good luck and keep posting.
2nd February 2019 at 9:51 pm #71782EbonyRavenParticipant
Hi, how terrible for you, that must have been a huge shock. Don’t let his big talk intimidate you. He wouldn’t have any idea of what sort of lawyer he needed, because he would never admit, that he’s abusive. You already have the advantage there.
Things are not as bad as they paint it for us. He wants you to be scared, so he tries to make everything sound harsh and difficult.
The ladies are wise, keep any evidence and record what you can. xx
5th February 2019 at 3:59 pm #71915StargirlParticipant
Thank you so much for your advice.
I have, since posting, found a secret email account with countless explicit messages to other girls, as well as a second phone. He has said this is my fault for ‘snooping’ and ‘smothering him’ so he feels he has to keep secrets from me as I don’t let him live my life. He also says I’m ‘not sexy’ and his behaviour is what all men do.
I know I have to leave but he ensures that I pay most of my disposable income each month to him so I have very little left now. He also sold my car and although I have use of a car, it’s not in my name or insured by me.
Tried women’s aid but couldn’t get through. Feeling a bit exhausted with all the lies and revelations and just want a better life somehow.
5th February 2019 at 11:39 pm #71929IwantmebackParticipant
You will get a better life, that is the future you have to look forward to once you’re away from his abuse. How dare he accuse you of snooping and try to blame you for his behaviour. You are not responsible for his behaviour in any way, he is 100%. If he wants to see other women, talk to other women, live his life, that’s fine but he cannot expect you to be waiting at home and accept his behaviour. He is so deluded if he thinks that’s acceptable behaviour. He has no respect fir you at all, does he. You are sexy, you are a beautiful woman, you are strong and full of life, don’t let him make you believe his evil wicked words. His opinion counts for NOTHING, he counts fir NOTHING!
Can you stop paying money to him, use your money for what you need only. Only do this if you feel safe to do so. You’ll know best what he is capable of.
Try WA again, you can leave your name and a safe time for then to call you back. There’s also local WA organisation in some towns. Have you spoken with your doctor too, let them know how his behaviour is affecting you. Have you journalled his behaviour, took pictures of his correspondence. I’m so sorry if I’m coming on so strong. I’m so angry fir you that he thinks he can treat a lovely lady like this. Good luck and I hope you get free of him soon.
6th February 2019 at 10:11 am #71933FlowerchildParticipant
Darling stargirl, even if he were the perfect husband in every other way, the fact that he threatened you with a clever lawyer and losing everything is enough reason alone to divorce him, don’t you think?
Meanwhile, on top of everything, you’re being financially abused. That is a common way an abuser will try to cut your legs out from under you and force you into dependency.
You can fix this one so easily. Set up a new bank account with a different bank and have your salary/wages paid into it. Do internet banking on a device you know for sure he has never touched (Many abusers are clever at installing malware which can track your every keystroke and allow them to take control of your device remotely.)
Sign up to paperless banking so no statements come through the letterbox. Have your card and PIN sent to your work address so they cannot be intercepted. Set a PIN and password you have never used before and if you must write them down somewhere, don’t take them home with you.
Decide on an amount that is fair for you to contribute to a joint account for bills and do it by direct debit – only if he is doing the same. Joint accounts are an abuser’s playground!
Now you have control over your finances. Watch that joint account like a hawk and ask that bank to alert you if he applies for any loan or credit card in your name. They will do this to force debt on you, forging your signature if need be.
Watch him with the post in case he is already intercepting letters addressed to you linked to loans or credit cards in your name that you know nothing about.
You need to be making an escape plan – don’t tell him! – and things may escalate when he spots that you are taking back control.
Don’t hesitate to dial 999 if he scares you with threats or gets shouty. He doesn’t have to even touch you for it to be assault; just put you in fear. Did you know?
6th February 2019 at 11:58 am #71935PasturesnewParticipant
Flowerchild is right.
My ex-husband was financially abusive. I discovered he was starting to take quite regular amounts from the joint account. I never found out what he did with the money; he was always evasive. A couple of days after I’d filed for divorce, I froze the joint account. He was livid and accused me of stealing his money! He borrowed money from anyone who’d lend it to him, including the woman he left me for. Fortunately, I always had my own account with a different bank – he knew nothing about passwords, account numbers, etc.
I did end up with some debt but am gradually paying it off through sheer hard work. I hope to get my share of the divorce settlement soon and I’ll easily be able to pay off the debt completely. Then it’ll be no more credit cards for me. And any man I might meet in the future will get no details of anything financial of mine – ever.
I wish you well with your escape plan. We have only one life and we are entitled to live it and be happy and free.
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