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    • #167731

      Hello this is my first post and I’m sorry, but it will be a long one. I am in a very long term partnership which in recent years I have realised is emotionally and verbally abusive. I have sought counseling which has helped build my self confidence but it has also taken the veil off my eyes and I find my situation increasingly untenable. But as a SAHM I am completely dependent financially.

      Despite my counsellor assuring me that I have experienced extreme abuse I do still question myself constantly.

      History

      Communication:
      I have to be able to pick up the phone to him immediately or he gets really angry. My heart sinks if I see a missed call (or usually 10 missed calls in 5 minutes) because this has in the past resulted in him screaming in my face in A very scary way. It doesn’t matter if my phone has had bad signal he doesn’t accept any excuses.

      I don’t feel allowed to have / express my personal opinion on anything – not even my personal feelings or experiences. I have on a few occasions called him out on how he scares me and he turns it back on me to say I have made him do it and when is he allowed to be angry?

      I have to agree with him on everything.

      I have to listen to him rant on about anything, yet if I rant about something I am a “negative person” or he shuts me down.

      Lack of appreciation

      I do everything around the house. I do not mind this since he works but he shows literally no respect or appreciation for anything I do. He has in fact said he doesn’t see why he should thank me for anything since I should be doing it anyway. He has called me needy because I ask if a meal I’ve cooked is nice. And what really hurt recently, was that he said that he would have achieved everything he has without me he would have simply got a cleaner. He carried on to say that he only used to say that I had contributed to his success to make me feel better. He frequently says I have an easy life and asks what I actually do (in a sneering and condescending manner).

      He has me walking on eggshells trying to anticipate what thing is not done that will set him off. I am pretty tidy and houseproud, but nothing is ever good enough.

      I am not allowed to clean while he is in the house. I once washed the floor late afternoon. He came back early. I asked him if he could please take off his shoes and his reply was “(detail removed by Moderator)”

      He often leaves his stuff lying around so I put it away. Then he will call out angrily “where is my x*x?” Often I can’t remember and will say “have you tried the xx?” and he will then have me running around the house to try and find it while he is getting angry, only for it to be in his car or something – he doesn’t apologise. He once even said “(detail removed by Moderator)”

      Other people

      I am constantly compared to other women unfavourably. He sees himself as a champion of women, yet he degrades me and berates me for being useless (I know I a not).

      He likes to tell me how he had plenty of opportunities to cheat on me at office parties but never did – like he’s some kind of saint. Yet when I have acted jealous on the odd occasion when he flirted all night in front of me with a friend – he had a go at me saying I was the one with the problem.

      I am constantly being told how everyone loves him and thinks he is a great guy and I inwardly think, but you are not great to me!

      Money

      Is not a problem, until it is. He is generous with money but I am always scared that a gift or holiday etc will be thrown back in my face at a later date. He has done this in past rants and it basically fuels his trope that he is the hard working provider and I do nothing all day.

      The cycle

      Yes, I am in the cycle of abuse. We have periods of calm but I can ever fully relax because I don’t know what will trigger him and I am sick of having to second guess what will.

      The dillema

      I still have feeling of doubt that this is as bad as I think it is. We have a child, so a split would be hard. I am also conscious that he could become very vindictive and try to turn everyone against me.

      He recently found out that I had confided in a friend. This did not go down well (he doesn’t like to think I have spoken to anyone and this has tarnished his reputation). I now have to hide my relationship with this friend.

      I know all of this sounds ridiculous! I know if a friend told me what I have related here I would be horrified and worried for her. But it’s a bit overwhelming. And I do now have a bigger internal strength to deal with it.

      Sorry for this very long rant. But I really needed to get this down today. Since we had a bad night last night and I have this feeling he’s going to kick off this evening.

      Thank you for listening.

      I am sorry to say that it has given me great comfort in recent months to read about the experiences of so many of you brave women. Thank you all for having the courage to share and I hope you all find solace, hope and a way out.

    • #167732

      I am now panicking that I shouldn’t have posted this since he could somehow find out. Or someone could see it and alert him to it. Which is completely irrational. But it’s wrong to be invisible isn’t it? That’s what I feel most of the time – to be seen and not heard. To have literally no voice. I need to find my voice again.

    • #167734
      Allornothing
      Participant

      Hiya, first off that sounds horrendous and you should not have to feel like that ever! Secondly, are you able to seek support either online or over the phone without him checking? I would suggest that you see if you have a local Women’s Centre near you, start trying to find support. Anywhere you find will be really good at checking with you how you want to communicate and when is best for you.

      I am not sure if others would agree, but I believe when we initially start thinking their behaviour is unacceptable, we then have to start educating ourselves, making ourselves stronger, be heard and be validated in your feelings which in turn will give you strength.

      It is easy for people to say just leave, but it is never that easy if only for the fear that we have in us and the way we freeze and live in fear of their reactions.

      Small steps, well done for posting on here as that is a massive step to take. We are all here to support you! xx

    • #167738

      Thank you Allornothing. I greatly appreciate your kind words and advice.

      I do feel like I’m going crazy sometimes and question whether it’s all in my head. But then when it’s written down I know it’s not right. Just the act of doing that helps (though triggering).

      I still see my counsellor, who has been excellent so I do feel stronger.

      You are right, knowledge is power. I have listened to several audio books on the subject which have been very helpful.

      It is a very scary prospect though I know he will never initiate it. I have actually asked him why he wants to be with me if he seems to dislike me so much, but he never has an answer for that.

      Have a great day

    • #167741
      SunshineLife
      Participant

      Such hugs to you – I feel that reading your post very triggering for me… I lived with the same for (detail removed by Moderator) yrs but he never had a job and financially abused me. There is help out there. I agree with AllorNothing – we are not going to say ‘leave’ but I will say you need to gain knowledge of how to leave safely. I have an IDVA through (detail removed by Moderator) but go on their website if you can. Look at all the resources on WA too. ((detail removed by Moderator))
      Look at Podcasts such as
      (detail removed by Moderator)

      We are here – get strong and cleverer than he thinks he is!

      xxxxx

    • #167775
      swanlake
      Participant

      That sounds difficult to think that you could be watched or reported even in an anonymous space like here.
      From what I can gather, sites like this one are all anonymous and don’t leave traces on computers. So we can get support without fear.
      Take very good care everyone.

      • #167781
        Lisa
        Main Moderator

        Hi swanlake,

        The forum can show up in your browser history but there are steps that you can take to protect yourself if this is a concern, for example if your abuser checks your devices. See our “Cover your tracks online” page for guidance.

        Take care and keep posting,
        Lisa

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