Scared to leave, scared to stay

[little-miss-sunshine]

Hi everyone, I spoke to someone at women’s aid when I got a moment alone, and have realised again (I can’t seem to make it stick) that the man I’m with is manipulating and controlling me. It’s taken a real toll on my mental health and health in general.

I’ve spoken a bit to a relative who has asked me to come and stay for a while. I know that if I broke up with him I could probably stay there until I got myself back on my feet.

I’m just not sure I can do it, I haven’t got much confidence in anything. Just looking for a bit of support really, I’m scared and feel alone. I have no friends anymore. Thank you for reading

[Camel]

Hello, I’m glad you’re reaching out. Why not stay with your relative for a holiday and see how it goes? It’s a wonderful opportunity.

[little-miss-sunshine]

Hi Camel, thank you so much for replying. He said if I go then not to come back. I know he probably doesn’t mean it, just feeing really anxious about everything. I’m worried that I’ll regret it, but also every time I decide not to leave I regret it.

[Camel]

Of course he doesn’t mean it, it’s just another way they mess with our heads.

[Wants To Help]

Hi littelmisssunshine,

If you have somewhere to go for a little while please take that opportunity. If anything, it will give you some respite from the abuse and a chance to reassess your relationship when you are away from it, you need this break for your MH.

xx

[little-miss-sunshine]

Thank you both for replying, I’m going to go. He’s ignored me all day so I’ve had some time to get things together. Still scared but not feeling so bad now due to your support, thank you so much. I hope you are both ok and safe. Much love xx

[little-miss-sunshine]

Now he’s being super nice after ignoring me for days. Probably only because I’ve had to say I’m going today. He’s given several excuses for his behaviour, he even apologised. This is the bit I find so difficult because I still love the nice side. I think he thinks I’m not coming back, I don’t know how to feel

[Wheelgoround]

The abuse cycle is messing with our feelings and creating a sense that it is not as bad as we think, because they suddenly appear nice and apologetic when they realise we might go. Please remember it is all part of their tactics they will change tactics for a while and then abuse will start all over. That’s how we get trapped. Staying at your relative will allow you to take a break and use this distance to think more clearly.

Take care
xxxxx

[searchingforhope]

Please take the break and get some space and clarity. I know none of these situations are easy and in ways I envy you, if it’s just you and no kids to think of. But I think no matter what the particulars of who’s involved in the situation, these situations are horrendous and hard to see through and hard to see a brighter side and huge self doubt goes along side it.
Take the break, be kind to yourself. You deserve so much more. Everybody does. The manipulation is utter torture.
Why do we find it so easy to believe in others here but not in ourselves. Small steps, you’ll get there. You have already taken steps by contacting WA and posting here. You’re going in the right direction. You can do it.
Take care of you, you’re the only person who can.

[little-miss-sunshine]

Thank you so much for the replies and the good advice. You have all made me feel a lot less alone. I have gone to my relative’s house today as planned but just feeling guilty due to the love bombing and trying to put myself first. Plus he’s making a very convincing show of being upset and vulnerable. It has been nice to be away and talk to different people though.

I haven’t really said anything about him being abusive yet because I’m not sure they will believe me (he’s super charming to pretty much everyone else, I’m learning that a lot of them are like that) it also feels like I would be betraying him somehow?

I know logically this is all b******s but my stupid brain just won’t let go of all the ‘he said he’ll change’ ‘we can change him’ ‘don’t throw your life away’ talk.

I don’t have kids no, I’m so glad at this point. This is hard enough, I can’t even begin to know how hard it would be with kids involved. My heart goes out to all of you struggling with this and also doing the best you can for your kids. I’m so sorry and I hope things get better for you soon x*x

[searchingforhope]

Well done, that was a big move. just go easy on yourself. Take it day by day. It’s so hard to re-train the brain. I’m learning all the time. Take care of you x*x

[little-miss-sunshine]

Thank you so much, I’ll try my best! You take as well, much love x*x

[Hummingbird3]

Hi Little-miss-sunshine

I can really empathise here, because when it all kicked off with my ex, I had the exact same feelings. It wasn’t until no contact was forced through his bail conditions for physically assaulting my family that I started to realise the abuse. I still don’t “believe” it (I do, but can’t believe how he’s gotten away with it for so long undetected).

Space will be hard with all the hoovering and love bombing tactics. But just try and take the time to yourself to breathe.

Sending love x

[Takethelongroad]

Hi Little miss Sunshine

I’ve just seen your post and was wondering how you are.

Just to say that I’m in exactly the same situation as you, so it would be good to share some mutual support.

Hoping to hear from you soon.

[little-miss-sunshine]

Hi Takethelongroad,

I’ve been off here for a while because I did stupidly go back, and I’m back in the same position taking a ‘holiday’ at my relatives. He was lovely for a while, obviously, and it just went straight back into the same pattern.

I think I’m going to have to make the decision and make a clean break. It’s just all so hard, I don’t feel strong enough to do it as I’m also unwell. Feeling overwhelmed with everything. Just need to take it one step at a time I guess, as people have said. How are you doing? Hope you’re safe and ok xx

[Chocolatebar]

I totally get how you feel Little Miss Sunshine. I’ve been trying to get the strength to leave for years. Confidence is non existent and I’ve no idea how to tell him. He can be “fine” with others and semi normal with me at times and that makes it really hard to leave.
Hope you’re ok ..take care xx

[little-miss-sunshine]

Hi chocolatebar,

Thank you for the reply, I’m so sorry that you’re in a similar position. It makes it so much harder to be believed/get help when everyone is taken in by their charm. I have no confidence about what I’m doing at all, and manage to make myself believe he’s not abusive which means I usually back down and go back.

Everything is nice for a while, but I always regret it. I think about the future sometimes and I just couldn’t keep doing this.

Hope you’re doing ok today xx

[searchingforhope]

Hi @little-miss-sunshine

Your right, I’m like you, hard to push forward but when I think about the future, I don’t want to keep living like this.
I’m existing now. not living at all!

Hope you’re ok today x

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