Scared to leave

[clarityneeded]

Hi I am new here but have been reading the posts for a month now, just have not been brave enough to post. Im trying to leave a (removed by moderator) year marriage and have 3 children, no physical but emotional abuse. Reading the posts on here has helped me so much because I question myself all the time if this is normal behaviour. I can relate so much to what is being said and it helps me see that his behaviour has been abusive. I have always thought it was my fault his rages, silent treatment, control, twisting my words and have tried so hard to please him but he always moved the goal posts. I know everyone else thinks he is wonderful and I have kept this perfect image for him as well. It all came to a head last (removed by moderator) and we did try couples counselling, the counsellor called him out on his behaviour saying he was coercive, he hated her after that. With covid the counselling came to an end and I was glad as it was getting us nowhere, he would take things I said in the sessions and twist my words and I was only trying to be honest hoping that it would help save our marriage. Im having my own counselling and she says he is abusive and I am in touch with my local DA, I start the Freedom Programme next week. I feel constantly ill, stressed, anxious, stomach problems and lonely every emotion going and I worry so much that if I leave I will lose my kids because he is so manipulative, Im worried they will hate me for breaking up our family. How do you get the courage to leave, as I feel I am losing all fight in me. Sorry for the long post.

[Brudge123]

Hey Hun.

I’m not really sure what to say, except for your message really resonates with me. I’m in pretty much the same position. You’re not alone. Also, note absolutely everything. Keep a diary.

You won’t lose your kids. You will gain their respect. Even if it’s a process. You have to show them that you’re worth fighting for and that they can’t settle for a relationship like that.

Good luck and big hugs x*x

[Beautifulday]

Hi there and welcome to the forum! Youve made a brave step! I was reading for months before I finally plucked up the courage to post and so glad I did! Im stuck in a marriage I see no way out of but since June I’ve been trying to get my ducks in a row, I called womens aid who were brilliant! Its brilliant that you are starting the freedom programme! I was supposed to start but then couldn’t as its zoom and my H was home 🙁 .. keep reading books and researching on Google thats what I did! Knowledge is power. I also found a solicitor a good one and she gave me 30mins free advice, in that time I asked a lot, I would advise you to do the same just to see where you stand with regards to your home etc you will feel stronger and mine is now on standby ready for when the time comes. You can call rights of women for free advice also.

I know how you feel, like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but you’ve made a huge step coming here, they say you know deep down when something is not right , just try to focus more on yourself I know that is easier said than done, I try to go walking when I can, I try to also now have minimal contact with my H.

I’m trying to build up the strength to leave. I’ve broached the subject of not being happy and every time he has dismissed it, acted all nice afterwards like nothing was said. Then he will go the complete opposite and demand to know what is happening with thr house, call me names, say im kicking him out which I’m not then he’s back to being all nice again
My head is totally messed up. So if I can say anything its try to get your ducks in a row first get prepared make a plan so when that time comes you have everything sorted and feel stronger 🙂

[Lifebegins]

Hi Clarityneeded

I’ve now been out for a little while and like you, when I was still in the relationship I’d never thought I’d have the strength do it and I was getting the life and fight drained out of me more day by day. In fact, the week before I left I had no idea I was actually going to do it but looking back I had been preparing, speaking to WA, a solicitor, finding out my legal rights re: child/house/stopping harassment etc and the game changer for me, posting on here and getting much needed advice from women who shared the same experiences. I had no date/plan in my head – I was gathering information ‘just in case’.

Well ‘just in case’ happened. The verbal, emotional, coercive, controlling abuse ramped up and became physical too. I wasn’t black and blue but it was enough to really scare me and of course, it’s totally unacceptable and illegal although I minimised it. After a particularly scary incident, something that I read on here really resonated with me. Did I want this to be my life next week, next month, next year etc? Because I’d had many years of it and it never got better, it was getting worse. And more importantly how was this impacting my child being in the household and listening to this abuse and learning that this behaviour was ok (they never saw anything physical but heard plenty). So, after that really awful scary weekend, i decided this was no way to live and I finally got the help and support I needed to make the break. A hard thing to do but I knew that I couldn’t do it on my own. I can’t explain it any more as to why that moment made me leave other than I had just had enough.

Not all been hunky dory since but I’m really getting there now and there is nothing like feeling peace in your own home rather than being terrorised and walking on eggshells every day. And it’s so much better for my child not having to listen to that poisonous black cloud (my ex) spewing venom every day. I do not regret leaving him one bit.

There is a good thread by iliketea about what’s your red line. It’s different for everyone. And maybe you’re not quite ready yet. But it’s good to keep educating yourself, sharing on here and perhaps doing a little ‘just in case’ planning.

And definitely seek legal advice. My child is living with me at our home. My ex had to leave. So it doesn’t mean you lose your child or your home.

Keep strong 💪 xx

[clarityneeded]

Thank you all for your kind replies it really means so much knowing that someone understands how hard it is to leave. I talk to my sisters and they really cant see why I just don’t leave and to be honest I ask myself the same question. I do not think I love him anymore and there is a part of me which cannot forgive him for the way he treated me when my father was dying in hospital last year. He does make me feel powerless when he says things like ‘I have financially abused him for the last few years as I have only been working part time’, ‘Why should the kids leave me with’, ‘That if I don’t have an online divorce then I will get nothing off him’ etc The list goes on and on just too much to write. After this last rage at me financially abusing him I did contact a solicitor and she was amazing. She said that a judge would think that is ridiculous they will look at it like my contribution to childcare has meant I have sacrificed my career and pension so he could further his. Speaking to her made me feel better as I now know where I stand financially at least. I’m just waiting for that moment when I realise that’s it, but he does make it hard when he then changes all nice or feeling sorry for himself, I then feel full of guilt for going behind his back, I know its a cycle but he still makes me feel guilty. In the meantime I’m getting my ducks in a row and doing my just in case so I can be ready when I get the courage to leave. Thank you for the great advice.xx

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