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[GinAndTonicLostMary]

I’ve identified controlling and coercive abuse in our relationship and I want to leave. Well, I want him to leave. But that’s for another time.. At the moment I’m querying whether some things are actually considered abuse or if it’s in my head. So online monitoring.. he doesn’t have access to my social media or phone however he watches when I’m online and questions me. For example if I go to bed and then he sees I’m online, the next morning he will ask me why I told him I was tired if I just wanted to be on my phone, and either say he’s worried I’m talking to other men or that it’s clear I’d rather spend time speaking to my friends. Is this monitoring? Also, he never doesn’t know where I am, who I’m with or what I’m doing. I’ve always sort of accepted it as being “his anxiety”, but now I’m a bit like hang on a minute, this has been going on for years! He doesn’t track me but he will text and ask, he will comment on how long I’ve been. Nights out with friends are becoming impossible as the next day he’s unbearable with his attitude towards me and the constant put-downs and accusations of cheating.
I’m exhausted and don’t know where to go for help, for reasons I won’t disclose here getting local support for this is tricky.

[Lisa]

Hi GinAndTonicLostMary,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[AloneWolf]

It sounds like controlling behaviour to me. Similar to my ex, he always had to know where I was and if I was gone too long I would know about it. If I went out with friends (not very often!) I would always leave earlier than I wanted to ‘to keep the peace’. Although it never mattered, whatever time I got back, he would find some problem with it. But of course he could go out whenever and wherever he wanted to and i was ‘nagging’ if i asked any questions or asked him to come home a bit earlier, or do anything with me. I used to play games or read a book on my phone to help me get to sleep, because I had to go to bed the same time as him and I wasn’t always tired that early. I would get exactly the same accusations as you get.

[GinAndTonicLostMary]

Thanks for the replies. He doesn’t work and doesn’t have friends or a social life, he only leaves the house a few times a week to shop and it’s been this way for years. I got a job (I was previously WFH) earlier this year and he says I’ve changed lots (I think my confidence has just been boosted) and he doesn’t like that I go to work. Says that I must hate family life as I choose to go out and spend all my time at work. Says I’m unavailable on weekdays (I work part time and get home late afternoon) and it’s just a lie. The constant accusations, although he says he’s not accusing me he “just worried that I might be doing that”, are just relentless. It’s every single say. If I leave work 5 mins late I get “you’re out late, what kept you? Are they paying you for the overtime” and if I don’t just compliantly keep the peace the argument/silent treatment will go on for days.

[Author]

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